I have made the comment numerous times that I relate too well to music. That being stated here, I wanted to clarify my earlier post in regards to Mr. Flirt saying I seemed unhappy etc. Reba McEntire did a song titled Is there Life Out There? years ago and this is the best way I can describe how I feel about my life. I love my family, would never leave it but hell what else is there? For those of you that don't listen or know country music I am adding the lyrics.
Is There Life Out There
She married when she was twenty.
She thought she was ready.
Now she's not so sure.
She thought she'd done some living.
Now she's just wonderin' what she's living for.
Now she's feeling that there's something more.
Chorus:
Is there life out there.
So much she hasn't done.
Is there life beyond her family and her home
She's done what she should
Should she do what she dares
She doesn't want to leave
She's just wonderin
Is there life out there
She's always lived for tomorrow
She's never learned how
To live for today
She's dyin' to try something foolish
Do something crazy
Or just get away
Something for herself for a change
Repeat chorus
There's a place in the sun that she's never been
Where life is fair and time is a friend
Would she do it the same as she did back then
She looks out the window and wonders again
Repeat chorus twice
8/29/08
8/16/08
Our meeting
Why the need to walk? Driving would have been much better. Being outside was akin to trying to breathe through a soaked goose down comforter - the hot air was so thick I could not draw it deep enough into my lungs and the humidity suffocated me. At least I'll get some relief once I get in there. Or so I had thought. But something was wrong. As the door lazily swung open the icy blast I was counting on did not pursue it. What the Hell? Where is the rickety clunk of the air conditioner? Where is the relief? Why doesn't he have the air on? Intolerable!
The wait was unbearable; the music was so soft that the fly buzzing around the dingy window was deafening, the water cooler was empty, the freezer bare of any ice chips, the air was heavier inside than out, even the flowers were wilting (not that that made any difference). As the seconds ticked into minutes our meeting steadily grew closer yet that did nothing to soothe away the discomfort the day had already wrought.
Finally the time came to enter that back room. Any hopes of finally escaping the heat diminished as the heavy door quietly opened. Despite the frantic spinning of the ceiling fan, the heat was unyielding. Thankfully the gossamer dress was no barrier to the only relief to be found - sitting upon the shiny metallic stool normally reserved for him, coolness was felt instantaneously. As the last hint of cool metal whimpered into a clammy stool beneath my overheated body the door eased open and he sauntered in as though the air conditioner was running full blast; as though I had not just sweat out 15 pounds in this infernal sauna, but that was fine, I could play calm and collected too.
"How's it going?" He actually asked me.
"Not so well, I am not so sure about this you know."
"It's ok, it's normal to be nervous. Should we get started then?" He said, offering his hand to help me up.
Wow, nothing like getting right down to business huh. I noticed his hand was cold when I placed my palm in his. Feeling his cool skin sent a shock through me. Surprised I looked into his eyes and as his full lips spread into a grin I felt my knees weaken. Standing there so close to him I could smell the spicy scent of his aftershave, God it smelt delicious. Chuckling he extracted his hand from mine and placed it on the small of my back, pulling me a little closer to him. My heart skipped a few beats and I could feel the telltale signs of desire between my legs. I don't know how we had lasted this long. . .
Gingerly he reached his left hand behind my head and skillfully pulled the clip from my hair. He did it so gently that I barely noticed the weight easing from my shoulders as my hair settled along my back. His head dropped closer to mine, I could feel his cool breath on my lips as I moistened them with my tongue. He entwined his fingers in my hair, slowly brought my face closer to his and lightly kissed me. His lips were cool to the touch, firm yet soft. He was soon pressed against my body, I could feel the heat radiating off of him.
"Mmm" I groaned as I stepped away "I am sorry, it's just too damn hot for this" I told him. To my surprise he grinned in a wicked way, chuckled and said "God how I was hoping you'd say that." Quickly he stepped towards his desk, immediately I felt a damp air where his body had been. Curiously I watched as he stooped down, opened the mini fridge door and withdrew a glass bowl of ice. Now I knew why the ice had been gone from the refrigerator and why his skin and lips were so cool to the touch. But how was ice going to make me chance my mind? Did he expect me to take an ice bath or something? I sure hope not because that's not going to happen, I thought.
It took him two steps to return to me. He set the bowl down on the stool and withdrew two ice cubes from it. With a piece of ice in each hand he touched the cube in his right hand to my lips and put the other to his own. The ice felt heavenly. I stood there letting him trace the cube across my lips. As he sucked the other cube into his mouth I parted my own lips and licked the droplets from it. The crisp cold drop was exquisite. I opened my mouth further so he could give me the cube but instead of putting it in my mouth he bent his head to mine and kissed me again. His cold tongue caressed my own as I licked at the melting ice cube in his mouth. Greedily I grabbed him by the waist and sucked the cube into my own mouth. He kissed my cool lips as I let the icy water drip down my throat. As the ice cold droplets slid down my throat I noticed the other ice cube he had been holding as he slid it along my throat, chasing its water trail with soft sucking kisses. The ice cube slowly slipped down the deep neckline of my dress, he lapped up the trail it left behind with his warm tongue. As the ice crested the top of my breast he lost control and it plummeted to its resting place, snugly between my breasts. The cold was exquisite after the heat of the day - I could feel it snake down my stomach to my left thigh.
Undeterred he grabbed another ice cube and began to trail it along the other side of my throat while the first cube lay to rest, melting and slowly cooling my body. He took his time kissing and licking at the watery trail the ice left on my skin. I began to squirm in anticipation. His free hand found the zipper at my back and slowly tugged it down while he played the ice across my exposed skin. As the zipper slid down to my lower back the new ice cube he was using fell to rest again snugly between my ample breasts. This time, however, he followed its decent - his mouth hot on the already cooled skin. His tongue, darting around the ice cube, dislodged it and brought it into his mouth while he slipped my dress off my shoulders.
To his surprise, I was not wearing a bra beneath my dress. He took his time teasing my nipples erect with new ice cubes, following the cold with his warm tongue. As the arctic water met my nipples he would tease them ever harder, watching as the puckered tighter only to soothe them with his hot tongue. Quickly they were taut with desire, my legs were wobbling with temptation and any sense of hesitation had fled my mind without a second thought. I put my shaking hands on his shoulders and told him I was feeling a bit dizzy. He chuckled and guided me towards his desk where I was able to lean against it and attempt to gather my wits while he proceeded in pulling my dress over my hips, letting it pool around my feet on the bare floor.
He stood arm's length away and continued to trace the ice cubes along my body. I watched his eyes glimmer as the ice glazed over my stomach. Shocked at his audacity I grabbed hold of his hand as he brought the ice further up my inner right thigh. That's when he took half a step closer and kissed me. His tongue played with mine; I was barely conscience of him pushing me back on the desk and wiggling his way between my thighs until he produced yet another frigid ice cube. He traced lines on my inner thighs slowly working his way closer to my quivering center while his tongue teased my nipples and my fingers played in the light stubble on his head. Ever so slowly he licked his way south following the trail the ice had left moments ago. I lost any sense of inhibitions. He traced an icy trail over my stomach, stopping long enough to suck the water from my belly button. Continuing his downward path the ice cube outlined the apex of my thighs, dampening the downy hair with frigid water until his mouth warmed it as he licked up the trail. Grabbing more ice cubes he squatted down, eye level with my most intimate parts he slid the cubes over my thighs. As I began to shiver with anticipation he brought an ice cube to my center, freezing my throbbing core with the icy water and warming it again with his hot tongue. I hissed in shock as he slowly pushed the cube inside me. He stood, kissed me and saved himself from the lashings of my tongue while his fingers assured the ice cube stayed in place. Soon a trickle of frigid water began to seep from me and he bent down to lap it up. The contrast of his hot, soft tongue compared to the arctic jewel within me was exquisite. He sucked it out of me and took his time warming my core. His tongue caressed and teased me. Just as I could feel myself contracting around his tongue he rose again.
Again he filled me with a freezing rock. Allowing just a few trickles of water to cascade out of me he teased my already taut nipples with another ice cube, cooling them only to warm them again with his hot mouth. Just as the ice within me melted I felt him plunge his cock hard into me. I almost screamed with the sheer pleasure of hot and cold. He stood there motionless for a moment while I flexed against him. As I gained my composure he began pumping in and out, slowly at first. The cold from the ice was barely discernible the more he plunged into me. Eventually he brought me to a quivering mess. I couldn't think let alone talk. It wasn't until I had finally stopped flexing around his shaft that he finally looked deep into my eyes, smiled and plunged deep within only to quiver and throb against me. Throwing my head back I screamed out in complete abandon. I had never felt this way before and only prayed I would feel it again.
ETA: This is a creative writing.
The wait was unbearable; the music was so soft that the fly buzzing around the dingy window was deafening, the water cooler was empty, the freezer bare of any ice chips, the air was heavier inside than out, even the flowers were wilting (not that that made any difference). As the seconds ticked into minutes our meeting steadily grew closer yet that did nothing to soothe away the discomfort the day had already wrought.
Finally the time came to enter that back room. Any hopes of finally escaping the heat diminished as the heavy door quietly opened. Despite the frantic spinning of the ceiling fan, the heat was unyielding. Thankfully the gossamer dress was no barrier to the only relief to be found - sitting upon the shiny metallic stool normally reserved for him, coolness was felt instantaneously. As the last hint of cool metal whimpered into a clammy stool beneath my overheated body the door eased open and he sauntered in as though the air conditioner was running full blast; as though I had not just sweat out 15 pounds in this infernal sauna, but that was fine, I could play calm and collected too.
"How's it going?" He actually asked me.
"Not so well, I am not so sure about this you know."
"It's ok, it's normal to be nervous. Should we get started then?" He said, offering his hand to help me up.
Wow, nothing like getting right down to business huh. I noticed his hand was cold when I placed my palm in his. Feeling his cool skin sent a shock through me. Surprised I looked into his eyes and as his full lips spread into a grin I felt my knees weaken. Standing there so close to him I could smell the spicy scent of his aftershave, God it smelt delicious. Chuckling he extracted his hand from mine and placed it on the small of my back, pulling me a little closer to him. My heart skipped a few beats and I could feel the telltale signs of desire between my legs. I don't know how we had lasted this long. . .
Gingerly he reached his left hand behind my head and skillfully pulled the clip from my hair. He did it so gently that I barely noticed the weight easing from my shoulders as my hair settled along my back. His head dropped closer to mine, I could feel his cool breath on my lips as I moistened them with my tongue. He entwined his fingers in my hair, slowly brought my face closer to his and lightly kissed me. His lips were cool to the touch, firm yet soft. He was soon pressed against my body, I could feel the heat radiating off of him.
"Mmm" I groaned as I stepped away "I am sorry, it's just too damn hot for this" I told him. To my surprise he grinned in a wicked way, chuckled and said "God how I was hoping you'd say that." Quickly he stepped towards his desk, immediately I felt a damp air where his body had been. Curiously I watched as he stooped down, opened the mini fridge door and withdrew a glass bowl of ice. Now I knew why the ice had been gone from the refrigerator and why his skin and lips were so cool to the touch. But how was ice going to make me chance my mind? Did he expect me to take an ice bath or something? I sure hope not because that's not going to happen, I thought.
It took him two steps to return to me. He set the bowl down on the stool and withdrew two ice cubes from it. With a piece of ice in each hand he touched the cube in his right hand to my lips and put the other to his own. The ice felt heavenly. I stood there letting him trace the cube across my lips. As he sucked the other cube into his mouth I parted my own lips and licked the droplets from it. The crisp cold drop was exquisite. I opened my mouth further so he could give me the cube but instead of putting it in my mouth he bent his head to mine and kissed me again. His cold tongue caressed my own as I licked at the melting ice cube in his mouth. Greedily I grabbed him by the waist and sucked the cube into my own mouth. He kissed my cool lips as I let the icy water drip down my throat. As the ice cold droplets slid down my throat I noticed the other ice cube he had been holding as he slid it along my throat, chasing its water trail with soft sucking kisses. The ice cube slowly slipped down the deep neckline of my dress, he lapped up the trail it left behind with his warm tongue. As the ice crested the top of my breast he lost control and it plummeted to its resting place, snugly between my breasts. The cold was exquisite after the heat of the day - I could feel it snake down my stomach to my left thigh.
Undeterred he grabbed another ice cube and began to trail it along the other side of my throat while the first cube lay to rest, melting and slowly cooling my body. He took his time kissing and licking at the watery trail the ice left on my skin. I began to squirm in anticipation. His free hand found the zipper at my back and slowly tugged it down while he played the ice across my exposed skin. As the zipper slid down to my lower back the new ice cube he was using fell to rest again snugly between my ample breasts. This time, however, he followed its decent - his mouth hot on the already cooled skin. His tongue, darting around the ice cube, dislodged it and brought it into his mouth while he slipped my dress off my shoulders.
To his surprise, I was not wearing a bra beneath my dress. He took his time teasing my nipples erect with new ice cubes, following the cold with his warm tongue. As the arctic water met my nipples he would tease them ever harder, watching as the puckered tighter only to soothe them with his hot tongue. Quickly they were taut with desire, my legs were wobbling with temptation and any sense of hesitation had fled my mind without a second thought. I put my shaking hands on his shoulders and told him I was feeling a bit dizzy. He chuckled and guided me towards his desk where I was able to lean against it and attempt to gather my wits while he proceeded in pulling my dress over my hips, letting it pool around my feet on the bare floor.
He stood arm's length away and continued to trace the ice cubes along my body. I watched his eyes glimmer as the ice glazed over my stomach. Shocked at his audacity I grabbed hold of his hand as he brought the ice further up my inner right thigh. That's when he took half a step closer and kissed me. His tongue played with mine; I was barely conscience of him pushing me back on the desk and wiggling his way between my thighs until he produced yet another frigid ice cube. He traced lines on my inner thighs slowly working his way closer to my quivering center while his tongue teased my nipples and my fingers played in the light stubble on his head. Ever so slowly he licked his way south following the trail the ice had left moments ago. I lost any sense of inhibitions. He traced an icy trail over my stomach, stopping long enough to suck the water from my belly button. Continuing his downward path the ice cube outlined the apex of my thighs, dampening the downy hair with frigid water until his mouth warmed it as he licked up the trail. Grabbing more ice cubes he squatted down, eye level with my most intimate parts he slid the cubes over my thighs. As I began to shiver with anticipation he brought an ice cube to my center, freezing my throbbing core with the icy water and warming it again with his hot tongue. I hissed in shock as he slowly pushed the cube inside me. He stood, kissed me and saved himself from the lashings of my tongue while his fingers assured the ice cube stayed in place. Soon a trickle of frigid water began to seep from me and he bent down to lap it up. The contrast of his hot, soft tongue compared to the arctic jewel within me was exquisite. He sucked it out of me and took his time warming my core. His tongue caressed and teased me. Just as I could feel myself contracting around his tongue he rose again.
Again he filled me with a freezing rock. Allowing just a few trickles of water to cascade out of me he teased my already taut nipples with another ice cube, cooling them only to warm them again with his hot mouth. Just as the ice within me melted I felt him plunge his cock hard into me. I almost screamed with the sheer pleasure of hot and cold. He stood there motionless for a moment while I flexed against him. As I gained my composure he began pumping in and out, slowly at first. The cold from the ice was barely discernible the more he plunged into me. Eventually he brought me to a quivering mess. I couldn't think let alone talk. It wasn't until I had finally stopped flexing around his shaft that he finally looked deep into my eyes, smiled and plunged deep within only to quiver and throb against me. Throwing my head back I screamed out in complete abandon. I had never felt this way before and only prayed I would feel it again.
ETA: This is a creative writing.
8/13/08
Quirks
Just a few quirks about me:
1. I get panicky when I have tangles in my hair
2. I cut my left baby toe off when I was in my adolescent years (it was stitched back on but I still have phantom pain in it)
3. I'm not a strong swimmer but I love to swim. My swimming lessons were cut short when I had the toe stitches lol
4. People that fall asleep at a drop of a hat annoy me.
5. I love eye contact during the most intimate times.
6. I'm so stubborn that I will finish a book even if I hate it - might take me a few months but I finish it.
7. I am as afraid of the quiet as a child is of the dark.
8. I have what's called sleep paralysis.
9. I've finally realized my self worth!
1. I get panicky when I have tangles in my hair
2. I cut my left baby toe off when I was in my adolescent years (it was stitched back on but I still have phantom pain in it)
3. I'm not a strong swimmer but I love to swim. My swimming lessons were cut short when I had the toe stitches lol
4. People that fall asleep at a drop of a hat annoy me.
5. I love eye contact during the most intimate times.
6. I'm so stubborn that I will finish a book even if I hate it - might take me a few months but I finish it.
7. I am as afraid of the quiet as a child is of the dark.
8. I have what's called sleep paralysis.
9. I've finally realized my self worth!
Sultry
Today, oh hell yesterday/today - still awake, anyway I was feeling kind of under the weather. I wasn't feeling sick or anything like that, maybe just a bit depressed. But then some stranger told me I have "very sultry" eyes. WOW! I have never been told that before. Nor had I ever thought that about myself so it was extremely nice to hear that. Thank you again stranger!
Well I am going to try and sleep again, I hope y'all had a great night.
Well I am going to try and sleep again, I hope y'all had a great night.
8/12/08
Crazy eights
I know according to the title of my blog this is supposed to be solely blogging about the things I think of while trying to sleep and I haven't been doing that lately - oh well. Maybe I will change the title and or description. . . .
8 Things I am passionate about. . .
1. My children - I could cheat and list each one separately but where's the fun in that?
2. My marriage
3. My extended family (parents, siblings etc)
4. Writing
5. Reading
6. Photography
7. Improving the richness of my life (not monetary)
8. Finding out who I am
8 Book I have read and enjoyed. . .
1. The Harry Potter Series
2. Just about every book of James Patterson's - except the last 2 yrs worth
3. The Marked series by P. C. Cast - awesome series
4. The Septimus Heap series by Angie Sage - kind of like LotR and Wheel of Time books but for teens
4. The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants series
5. Touch the Dark series by Karen Chance - best vampire series yet, yes better than the Ann Rice ones
6. Grimm Memorials series
7. Mary Balogh's Slightly series - only romance novels I enjoy, I've read them all twice so far
8. Loads of Tami Hoag's books
*I told you I was passionate about reading ;O)
8 Words/Phrases I say often
1. Seriously!
2. I don't care
3. Knock it off or go to your room
4. lol - that's typed a lot but it counts :O)
5. Are you still on WoW?
6. I love you!
7. NO!
8. Thanks
8 Things I want to do before I die - in no specific order
1. Watch my children graduate, marry and become parents themselves
2. Sky dive
3. Finish writing a book and get it published
4. Spend a New Years Eve at the big apple
5. Go on a cruise
6. Own a house
7. Go to Italy
8. Visit all of the USA capitals in an RV (I know crazy huh)
8 Things I learned this past year
1. I have learned a lot about who I am this past year
2. Being 30 isn't all that bad
3. To let go of my inhibitions
4. My kids are going to be ok in life
5. That even those closest to you can hurt you in such away the hurt can never be undone
6. Certain people are unable to change for the best and it's best to keep my distance from them
7. Who my true friends are and are not
8. That I can do the right thing no matter how wrong it seems at the time.
8 People I want to tag
1. Um as in tag you're it? I don't know. I stick to myself a lot but if you wanna do this and share your answers feel free to let me know and I'll check them out. I love to see how I compare to strangers - yet another random factoid.
2. If tagging someone means something else let me know please. Obviously I am lost lol. I'm still learning things about the blogging world and haven't ventured out much.
8 Things I am passionate about. . .
1. My children - I could cheat and list each one separately but where's the fun in that?
2. My marriage
3. My extended family (parents, siblings etc)
4. Writing
5. Reading
6. Photography
7. Improving the richness of my life (not monetary)
8. Finding out who I am
8 Book I have read and enjoyed. . .
1. The Harry Potter Series
2. Just about every book of James Patterson's - except the last 2 yrs worth
3. The Marked series by P. C. Cast - awesome series
4. The Septimus Heap series by Angie Sage - kind of like LotR and Wheel of Time books but for teens
4. The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants series
5. Touch the Dark series by Karen Chance - best vampire series yet, yes better than the Ann Rice ones
6. Grimm Memorials series
7. Mary Balogh's Slightly series - only romance novels I enjoy, I've read them all twice so far
8. Loads of Tami Hoag's books
*I told you I was passionate about reading ;O)
8 Words/Phrases I say often
1. Seriously!
2. I don't care
3. Knock it off or go to your room
4. lol - that's typed a lot but it counts :O)
5. Are you still on WoW?
6. I love you!
7. NO!
8. Thanks
8 Things I want to do before I die - in no specific order
1. Watch my children graduate, marry and become parents themselves
2. Sky dive
3. Finish writing a book and get it published
4. Spend a New Years Eve at the big apple
5. Go on a cruise
6. Own a house
7. Go to Italy
8. Visit all of the USA capitals in an RV (I know crazy huh)
8 Things I learned this past year
1. I have learned a lot about who I am this past year
2. Being 30 isn't all that bad
3. To let go of my inhibitions
4. My kids are going to be ok in life
5. That even those closest to you can hurt you in such away the hurt can never be undone
6. Certain people are unable to change for the best and it's best to keep my distance from them
7. Who my true friends are and are not
8. That I can do the right thing no matter how wrong it seems at the time.
8 People I want to tag
1. Um as in tag you're it? I don't know. I stick to myself a lot but if you wanna do this and share your answers feel free to let me know and I'll check them out. I love to see how I compare to strangers - yet another random factoid.
2. If tagging someone means something else let me know please. Obviously I am lost lol. I'm still learning things about the blogging world and haven't ventured out much.
Quite revealing
You've caught me. . . I am an internet quiz junkie. Not sure what it is about them but I really love to take them. So anyway there was this one test I just took about "how much are you willing to sacrifice for sex" or something like that. After taking it and reading my results, wow I think it sums up most of what I wrote about this morning quite well.
You have an average sex-drive. You would sacrifice your private collection for it, because sex and a relationship is worth more to you than a silly set of objects. You are passionate in a relationship, but you don't push your partner. (Hmm that was news to me, I never considered myself passionate about a relationship but after thinking about it for a while yea I guess I am. And no, I don't push that boy for more than what he's willing to give.) You are not perfect either, you might slip up, (the only slip ups I have had are all mental) but you always come back. You probably have a few good friends you love very much. I have a few select friends that I love tremendously! I'm not very trusting - I don't trust many people to handle (in an emotional sense not physical) me without hurting me and I've been burned enough times not to want to do that again. Therefore I keep the friends I have close to my heart and very cautiously allow anyone else to get close enough. I think that's one of the reasons I love the internet so much and prefer Txt messaging over actual talking.
P.S. To those of you that I Txt with, don't be offended. I even prefer Txting with my mom over talking and she and I are super close. I'm just not a phone kinda gal. Although, I admit a nice deep voice can do wonders to my nerve endings. . . Mmmm
You have an average sex-drive. You would sacrifice your private collection for it, because sex and a relationship is worth more to you than a silly set of objects. You are passionate in a relationship, but you don't push your partner. (Hmm that was news to me, I never considered myself passionate about a relationship but after thinking about it for a while yea I guess I am. And no, I don't push that boy for more than what he's willing to give.) You are not perfect either, you might slip up, (the only slip ups I have had are all mental) but you always come back. You probably have a few good friends you love very much. I have a few select friends that I love tremendously! I'm not very trusting - I don't trust many people to handle (in an emotional sense not physical) me without hurting me and I've been burned enough times not to want to do that again. Therefore I keep the friends I have close to my heart and very cautiously allow anyone else to get close enough. I think that's one of the reasons I love the internet so much and prefer Txt messaging over actual talking.
P.S. To those of you that I Txt with, don't be offended. I even prefer Txting with my mom over talking and she and I are super close. I'm just not a phone kinda gal. Although, I admit a nice deep voice can do wonders to my nerve endings. . . Mmmm
What a trip
I have to share this little tidbit too. For the second time in 3 hours I was told to tell my boy how lucky he is if he didn't already know. (Ok it's actually three times cuz Mr. Flirt said it the first two times.) That makes me feel a little lighter, not so panicky. I guess I'm doing something right after all. If nothing else I should be content with the passion I feel for life and my kids, right.
I've been up for 48 hours now. Time to seek some physical comfort in my boy's arms. Happy slumbers and Carpe Noctem!
What's missing
I was just signing off the cpu to head to bed but I know I won't be able to sleep til I get this down. Talking with Mr. Flirt tonight he pointed out that he's noticed that I don't seem "happy" in my current condition. He is accurate in that assessment. When I tried to explain it to him my thoughts became so jumbled up that I could not sort them out in a coherent manner. He seemed to be under the impression that I am "torturing" myself by remaining in this condition and I do not want him to think that because it's so not the case.
When I entered into this condition I was a lot younger, at the time I felt everything was there. The main aspect being a friendship I had never had before this boy came into my life. And I loved this boy desperately for everything he was and meant to me. At that age I didn't stop to think about passion. Oh who am I fooling, at that age I could not even begin to describe passion and what it would bring to my life or what I would miss from its absence. As time has passed everything I already had continued to grow, deepen and strengthen.
However at this junction in life I have become almost painfully aware that something was missing. It took me a while to unravel my thoughts and process what I felt I was lacking. It's not actually me though, or that boy per se. There is just a missing piece to the puzzle. . . .
Within the last year I began to feel like I was constantly hyperventilating. At first I thought it was just the dread of turning 30, but that wasn't it. I started doing some soul searching and really examined my life. My life is actually so rich with love, examining this was what finally brought my attention what was missing. Being a mom is the most rewarding feeling in the world for me. I love my monsters with a ferocity that I could not feel towards anything else. They are what get me out of bed everyday, they keep me grounded and give my life the direction it was lacking. It was while I was exploring my love for them that I realized what it felt like to experience passion in it's fullest glory.
This discovery brought about my realization of what was missing. I am an avid reader and have read about passionate lovers many times, I used to believe it was just another glorified way of describing love. But after realizing the passion I feel for my children I have realized I was wrong and that is what I need, lack. That boy and I have grown, but as "friends" not so much lovers. I want to feel the carnal passion in the most intimate aspects of my life. I need to be more than a companion, a friend. I want to be called angel, and feel like I'm the driving force for someones existence. I crave that feeling and to reciprocate those same desires.
Anyway I'm not torturing myself, I just need some help. Someone to understand and guide me so to speak. And yet while I ache for this I know my boy will not be able to be that "someone". Here is where I am stuck and feel imprisoned. Our relationship is nearly perfect in every other aspect and I think that is what keeps me here. I doubt I could have everything I have with this boy in addition to passion. I'm not a perfectionist. I can continue as I have the past 12 years. It just makes me wonder if I could have it all, is that possible? Or would I not have to sacrifice some other aspect just to gain the passion? I am not ready for that kind of sacrifice. . . Not yet anyway.
I just wish I could trade lives with someone for a day so I could feel that passion. And then I wonder, had I waited; not been so eager to get on with life. . . Maybe had I actually taken the time to experiment, to test the waters so to say, then maybe I would have experienced this passion and it would not be such a big deal to me now. I'm just afraid I will never get the chance to know a passion like this and that terrifies me. . .
8/11/08
Chaos
It is 2:30 in the afternoon and here I sit, still awake. I tried sleeping a few times throughout the night typically sleep evaded me.
Two nights ago an idea for another creative entry drifted through my mind as I was slipping off to dreamland so yesterday I started committing it here. I was working on it a good portion of the day a few minor hiccups here and there as the exhaustion sank in until finally the thoughts got tangled somewhere between my mind and fingertips. And then there was a certain flirt, Mr. Flirt to you (he knows his name), that helped constipate my thought process lol. I was managing to push past most of the exhaustion and pound some of the words out until he sidetracked me with all that banter back and forth! (Ssh, he doesn't need to know that I secretly love it when he sidetracks me. We get along great so it has never bothered me when he strikes up a conversation - he could even do it more often and I wouldn't care. . . ) Just as I managed to get some organization back in the dusty grey matter hiding deep within the recesses of my head, he really threw me for a loop.
We were talking about how temperamental his phone is, apparently he has to hold it in a very precise location to get or send Txt messages. I know! My thoughts exactly. In fact I even told him I wasn't too sure I wanted to know said location. Smugly, I thought my wise ass comment had stumped him - no luck. He threw a curve ball that collided with my tummy and hasn't been dislodged yet. Fine I'll tell you what he sent back to me . I cannot quote it word for word because it has since been deleted but it was along the lines of no not the same place I would put you because if I put it under me it wouldn't get a thing. True Mr. Flirt and I are only friends, but yeah that Txt really sent me on a brand new roller coaster ride. Since then I haven't been able to get my thoughts back in order. Every time I attempt going back to that creative blog I can only think of his comment. Ugh!
Ha see Mr. Flirt, I told you that I would be up while you slept, blogging and thinking of your Txt. Did I know how to call it or what? Well my reaction to that Txt was pretty strong so that wasn't even a question of a doubt for me lol.
And I guess I should admit that I've sent him some flirty Txts before too. I doubt though that any of our exchanges have ever caused (at least he's never indicated it has) this much chaos. Why in the world did this one? Hmmm. . . Maybe it effected me so much because I was already in an *aroused* state due to the entry I had been working on. He bluntness probably didn't help matters, or my overactive imagination. And I know my fucking insomnia did not help at all.
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