Fricken A.
So I decided I am getting a tattoo for my birthday this year. I'm going to get a "stargazer lily" with a dragonfly on my right calf. I want it to go the length of my calf, and I want it to take up most of the outside of my calf. Well, he's the artistic one in the family. And I wanted him to have a part in it so I asked him to design it for me. I sent him a TON of pictures of the type/style of lily I want and the way I want the dragonfly to look. (I don't like the dragonflies that look like they were flattened in a book, I want it to appear to be flying.) I told him the colors I want and asked him to incorporate mine and the kids first initials, one hidden in each petal (i.e. the way the petal lays, the shading of the color etc).
He said ok and went to work on it. But every design he came up with was what he wanted or thought looked good. I explained I wanted it bigger, I wanted it taller, I wanted it to "stand-up" from ankle to almost knee length - still he did not want to hear what I was saying. Grrr. This is how it is with everything. I finally just told him not to worry about it, to just forget I asked.
I mean, it's a permanent marking on my body - it should be something I love. Something I want to be on me forever. Not something I settled on. I want it to "show off" on my leg. I want it out there.
I'm so fricken annoyed that he won't listen to me. I explained that I liked the designs, but could this or that be done to make it more of what I am looking for - he got mad. And when he gets mad the discussion is over. There is no talking things over. There is no fighting about it. There is no explaining different points of view and coming to a compromise. It's just over. That's how it is with everything. I can't stand it anymore.
I know this is just a stupid tattoo design. But it's so much more. This is how he interacts with me. This is the basis of our issues. And when I try to explain that to him, he shuts down. So how am I supposed to fix this?
His point was I said he had creative freedom over the design, that's why he didn't listen to me. When I explained "Just because I say you have creative reign doesn't mean I get no input. That's like going to an architect saying I want a 3 bedroom house now design me one. The architect is going to ask questions, figure out the clients likes/dislikes etc. Their not going to say ok here is what I designed you have to like it and use it." He didn't like that analogy and once again the conversation was ended.
God I am so tired of him not talking to me. I just ... I just... I don't know. I want it all to stop, everything. I don't want to feel this way anymore, I'm tired of hurting over him not talking to me, I'm tired of it all.
1/21/10
Big Weekend - A short story
The kids were so excited; it was their first weekend with their dad. I was even more excited then they were as this was my first weekend all to myself in eons. I'd bought the trailer two months ago, right after he had moved back to his parents place. Since it's on a lot in Nevada, I hadn't been able to get there that often. I'd considered bringing it to ID but with the upcoming travels taking the kids to and from his place, I figured I could have a place to crash and eliminate some mileage on my truck. Lord knows it's not getting any younger.
Coming out of my room with my laptop, duffel bag, and sweater flung over my shoulder; my pillow and purse under my other arm; I walked into a shower of chaos. Shirts were flying across the hallway along with a lone tennis shoe, some brushes, make-up kits; you name it the kids were tossing it to each other. Amused with their enthusiastic desire to hurry up and pack, I set my stuff down and began the directing process. Soon enough I had 5 duffel bags packed into the car, ipods on, gameboys in hands, and stuffies snuggled up; all the kids were tightly buckled up and we were on the road. The excitement bounced off of all of us as we jammed to the radio.
As the day grew longer, the kids settled down and my thoughts tuned in to my upcoming weekend. I'd brought the 3 latest Sookie Stackhouse novels, my own iPod, beach towel, suntan oil, and my fluffy pillow to keep me entertained. I'd also brought my camera, laptop and sweater - while I wasn't planning on actually working, I was hoping to capture some wildlife shots. I was pretty sure I'd brought everything I needed...oh wait... "Hey baby girl, do you see Mommas cell in her purse?" I asked the oldest. She rummaged around for a while, every second my heart sank further until she smiled triumphantly and said "Yup Momma - here it is. Did you need me to call someone?" It always amazed me how considerate she was. "No sweetie, I just wanted to make sure I had it. Thanks babe." She flashed me another grin, rolled her eye a bit, shook her head and went back to her iPod. Like mother, like daughter I guess.
Finally as the sun was setting we pulled into the lot the trailer sat at. I smiled, thinking again that I made the right decision having the local Merry Maid come here and get the trailer ready for me. After all the excitement, I knew I'd be sleeping soon. The kids bounded out of the truck and into the trailer. They all wanted to see where I'd be staying and why they couldn't stay with me until they saw just how small the inside really was. Yes, I am a devious mom - I got the smaller trailer to avoid this very conversation. The trailer was my retreat; a place for me to get away and recenter; to be me not mommy, not an ex-wife, just me.
Just as we finished up the grand tour we heard the gravel crunching as a car approached. This was the part I was dreading most. I hadn't seen him in a few months now, we've only talked about 2 times since he'd left, and there was still so much that needed closure... Closing my eyes, I took a quick breath and counted to 10 before herding the kids outside.
As soon as they saw him they all ran over to him squealing with delight; once again the doubt pierced through my heart. Had I made the right choice? He hugged them all, kissed them and looked to me and smiled, as if this was a normal event. My heart shattered again, I turned and walked back in the trailer to dry my eyes, calling out that I was getting their jackets. How could he be so impervious? So much for a peaceful night, I thought to myself.
When I left the trailer again for the second time I saw the kids were getting all buckled up in his car. I ran over, hugged and kissed each of them. I tossed the jackets in the trunk, slammed it shut and stepped to the side of his car. He approached me and I asked him to call me as soon as they got to the house, he said he would. We stared at each other awkwardly - we'd been kissing and hugging each other goodbye for just about fifteen years, how were we supposed to say goodbye now? Unable to stand the awkwardness a min longer I gently put my hand on his cheek, looked him in the eye and told him to drive as safe as he could. Then I said bye. I turned and walked to the step of my trailer to watch them drive off.
As the dust settled again, I was aware of the chill from my tears. They just left and I missed them already. I didn't know how I'd make it through the next three days. Going inside the trailer I took a quick account of the food I had and would need to get. Thanking the kindness of the maids I quickly brewed up a cup of hot cocoa and sat down with my first book. However, after reading the same page for the tenth time I decided I'd try playing on my laptop for a little while then head to bed.
Surprisingly there was very little in the way of emails. I did notice Steve had sent me one. His emails always made me smile. To be honest, he always made me smile. Steve was such a sweet, kind, honest, open man. We'd been planning to meet for a while but hadn't really had the time, I couldn't wait for that day to come. I was very anxious to finally meet him. After reading over his daily account, I pounded out a quick reply telling him we'd made it to Elko safely; the kids had left already; and that I was thinking eagerly of our meeting - I sent off the email and instantly felt better,
I decided one more cup of cocoa and a second attempt at the book would be possible. While I was pouring the hot water into the mug of cocoa I hear my email ding, indicating I had another message. I smirked to myself thinking how wonderful it'd be if it was Steve but figured it'd be a spam message. Yet, sitting at the table I glanced at my laptop out of curiosity and was floored - IT WAS STEVE!!!
Hey babe, while I'm ecstatic you guys made it to Elko safely; I'm sorry you're suffering so much. (Don't deny it, I know it's killing you having your babies gone. And I know that encounter with him had to have been pretty awkward for you. So yes, YOU ARE suffering) I wish I was there right now to wrap my arms around you until the pain subsided. I'm also thinking of our meeting eagerly. Well I have more research for my presentation so I better go. Think of me!! Steve P.S. You didn't tell me your daily answer yet!! What color?
Steve, (I responded) I won't try to deny it. It hurts, a lot. But I will get through it. Hmmm having your arms around me does sound tempting! Good luck on the pres. not that your super smart butt needs luck. =p Sweet dreams, Me. P.S. Minty green with small brown polka-dots =) P.S.S. If you're not busy, we could always plan to meet somewhere this weekend. I'm pretty close to you here in Elko. I'm parked in the campgrounds for now - I hope to find a permanent lot while I'm here this weekend. But I would gladly forget that search to come meet you somewhere.
After sending off the reply, I shut down the laptop and crawled into my bed. It had been a busy day and I was certain I'd pass out soon.
** More to come later. Sleeping pill is making it hard to concentrate and I have to send out one more email before sleeping
Coming out of my room with my laptop, duffel bag, and sweater flung over my shoulder; my pillow and purse under my other arm; I walked into a shower of chaos. Shirts were flying across the hallway along with a lone tennis shoe, some brushes, make-up kits; you name it the kids were tossing it to each other. Amused with their enthusiastic desire to hurry up and pack, I set my stuff down and began the directing process. Soon enough I had 5 duffel bags packed into the car, ipods on, gameboys in hands, and stuffies snuggled up; all the kids were tightly buckled up and we were on the road. The excitement bounced off of all of us as we jammed to the radio.
As the day grew longer, the kids settled down and my thoughts tuned in to my upcoming weekend. I'd brought the 3 latest Sookie Stackhouse novels, my own iPod, beach towel, suntan oil, and my fluffy pillow to keep me entertained. I'd also brought my camera, laptop and sweater - while I wasn't planning on actually working, I was hoping to capture some wildlife shots. I was pretty sure I'd brought everything I needed...oh wait... "Hey baby girl, do you see Mommas cell in her purse?" I asked the oldest. She rummaged around for a while, every second my heart sank further until she smiled triumphantly and said "Yup Momma - here it is. Did you need me to call someone?" It always amazed me how considerate she was. "No sweetie, I just wanted to make sure I had it. Thanks babe." She flashed me another grin, rolled her eye a bit, shook her head and went back to her iPod. Like mother, like daughter I guess.
Finally as the sun was setting we pulled into the lot the trailer sat at. I smiled, thinking again that I made the right decision having the local Merry Maid come here and get the trailer ready for me. After all the excitement, I knew I'd be sleeping soon. The kids bounded out of the truck and into the trailer. They all wanted to see where I'd be staying and why they couldn't stay with me until they saw just how small the inside really was. Yes, I am a devious mom - I got the smaller trailer to avoid this very conversation. The trailer was my retreat; a place for me to get away and recenter; to be me not mommy, not an ex-wife, just me.
Just as we finished up the grand tour we heard the gravel crunching as a car approached. This was the part I was dreading most. I hadn't seen him in a few months now, we've only talked about 2 times since he'd left, and there was still so much that needed closure... Closing my eyes, I took a quick breath and counted to 10 before herding the kids outside.
As soon as they saw him they all ran over to him squealing with delight; once again the doubt pierced through my heart. Had I made the right choice? He hugged them all, kissed them and looked to me and smiled, as if this was a normal event. My heart shattered again, I turned and walked back in the trailer to dry my eyes, calling out that I was getting their jackets. How could he be so impervious? So much for a peaceful night, I thought to myself.
When I left the trailer again for the second time I saw the kids were getting all buckled up in his car. I ran over, hugged and kissed each of them. I tossed the jackets in the trunk, slammed it shut and stepped to the side of his car. He approached me and I asked him to call me as soon as they got to the house, he said he would. We stared at each other awkwardly - we'd been kissing and hugging each other goodbye for just about fifteen years, how were we supposed to say goodbye now? Unable to stand the awkwardness a min longer I gently put my hand on his cheek, looked him in the eye and told him to drive as safe as he could. Then I said bye. I turned and walked to the step of my trailer to watch them drive off.
As the dust settled again, I was aware of the chill from my tears. They just left and I missed them already. I didn't know how I'd make it through the next three days. Going inside the trailer I took a quick account of the food I had and would need to get. Thanking the kindness of the maids I quickly brewed up a cup of hot cocoa and sat down with my first book. However, after reading the same page for the tenth time I decided I'd try playing on my laptop for a little while then head to bed.
Surprisingly there was very little in the way of emails. I did notice Steve had sent me one. His emails always made me smile. To be honest, he always made me smile. Steve was such a sweet, kind, honest, open man. We'd been planning to meet for a while but hadn't really had the time, I couldn't wait for that day to come. I was very anxious to finally meet him. After reading over his daily account, I pounded out a quick reply telling him we'd made it to Elko safely; the kids had left already; and that I was thinking eagerly of our meeting - I sent off the email and instantly felt better,
I decided one more cup of cocoa and a second attempt at the book would be possible. While I was pouring the hot water into the mug of cocoa I hear my email ding, indicating I had another message. I smirked to myself thinking how wonderful it'd be if it was Steve but figured it'd be a spam message. Yet, sitting at the table I glanced at my laptop out of curiosity and was floored - IT WAS STEVE!!!
Hey babe, while I'm ecstatic you guys made it to Elko safely; I'm sorry you're suffering so much. (Don't deny it, I know it's killing you having your babies gone. And I know that encounter with him had to have been pretty awkward for you. So yes, YOU ARE suffering) I wish I was there right now to wrap my arms around you until the pain subsided. I'm also thinking of our meeting eagerly. Well I have more research for my presentation so I better go. Think of me!! Steve P.S. You didn't tell me your daily answer yet!! What color?
Steve, (I responded) I won't try to deny it. It hurts, a lot. But I will get through it. Hmmm having your arms around me does sound tempting! Good luck on the pres. not that your super smart butt needs luck. =p Sweet dreams, Me. P.S. Minty green with small brown polka-dots =) P.S.S. If you're not busy, we could always plan to meet somewhere this weekend. I'm pretty close to you here in Elko. I'm parked in the campgrounds for now - I hope to find a permanent lot while I'm here this weekend. But I would gladly forget that search to come meet you somewhere.
After sending off the reply, I shut down the laptop and crawled into my bed. It had been a busy day and I was certain I'd pass out soon.
** More to come later. Sleeping pill is making it hard to concentrate and I have to send out one more email before sleeping
Yet again....
So we have a "behavioral plan" with one of the kids - you know the deal, you do so many expected things you get a star and after X amount of stars you get a reward. Well the big reward was the kid got to have 40 mins of just daddy and kid time. The kid did really good last night and was looking forward to playing with him all day today. He however decided they were going to make dinner together. When I explained to him that our kid was supposed to be picking the activity he got pissy with me. I don't know why. I'm tired of trying to figure it out.
I want to tell him so badly that his reaction leaves the impression that he really doesn't value the kids ideas, that it feels like he is just "going through the motions". I can't even explain it properly, how can I expect the kid to?
And I know what it is. He wants to be able to play his game, but if he has to play with the kid for 40 mins and make dinner then he won't be able to play as much as he wants. Or at least that's how it feels. And I'm sure that's how the kid feels. My heart broke when the kid started to cry and tell him that making dinner wasn't the game plan - playing football was. He didn't listen, told the kid "I'm sorry I need help with dinner so that's how we're spending our 40 mins"
Grrrr
I want to tell him so badly that his reaction leaves the impression that he really doesn't value the kids ideas, that it feels like he is just "going through the motions". I can't even explain it properly, how can I expect the kid to?
And I know what it is. He wants to be able to play his game, but if he has to play with the kid for 40 mins and make dinner then he won't be able to play as much as he wants. Or at least that's how it feels. And I'm sure that's how the kid feels. My heart broke when the kid started to cry and tell him that making dinner wasn't the game plan - playing football was. He didn't listen, told the kid "I'm sorry I need help with dinner so that's how we're spending our 40 mins"
Grrrr
1/20/10
Too much ........too fast
I've felt this void, this bubble of neglect envelop me for such a long time that now... now when anyone shows me a shred of interest I clamp to that person like someone drowning would grasp a life jacket.
Going down the list:
Jack, I'm all too ready to sleep with him in real life. And I shouldn't be. He is in a committed relationship as am I. Who cares if neither of us are happy.... God how he makes me happy. We can go days without talking - days were I am stealing myself against him, then he says something to me and I melt along with any resolve I may have built up.
And Willy, he's so sweet and all about pleasing the woman. While I am loving this attitude now - seriously!! I'm not that naive. I know things change once the boys get what they're after. Prime example: him.
Finally, there's Clark. I'm still trying to find his faults. Yes you all have them. Jack's are he's tempermental and easy to read. Willy, he lays his affection on too strong, while he doesn't lay it on at all. Clark though.... hmmm. Clark is honest, which is refreshing! I think his biggest downfall is being too eager to please. Why can't boys be easier to read????
Going down the list:
Jack, I'm all too ready to sleep with him in real life. And I shouldn't be. He is in a committed relationship as am I. Who cares if neither of us are happy.... God how he makes me happy. We can go days without talking - days were I am stealing myself against him, then he says something to me and I melt along with any resolve I may have built up.
And Willy, he's so sweet and all about pleasing the woman. While I am loving this attitude now - seriously!! I'm not that naive. I know things change once the boys get what they're after. Prime example: him.
Finally, there's Clark. I'm still trying to find his faults. Yes you all have them. Jack's are he's tempermental and easy to read. Willy, he lays his affection on too strong, while he doesn't lay it on at all. Clark though.... hmmm. Clark is honest, which is refreshing! I think his biggest downfall is being too eager to please. Why can't boys be easier to read????
1/15/10
Musings
Work was on the boring side today. You'd think my first day back in 3 days and I'd be swamped with catch up work. I wasn't. I mean I had some, but about halfway through the day I was out of work.
It was nice to get in this morning and have the boss lady yell at me for being out so long. Hmmm who doesn't like to feel needed though. It's sad, I want that feeling from him so badly that I reach out for it eagerly whenever anyone else offers it. *sigh* I guess the boss man needed a file though, even boss lady couldn't find it. I was starting to get worried that maybe I'd messed up the files. So when he came in today I asked him what file was lost. Hehe turns out they're both just blind. It was right where it should have been. And I didn't mess it up. Yay me!
I decided while I was writing up the service requests; I want another tattoo. Random thought I know, when aren't my thoughts random... Seriously though, the shirt I wore today has a deep U shaped neckline and my breasts peek above the shirt a little bit so while I had my head bent over the service requests I had an eye full. No, I wasn't checking my own chest out. And it's not my fault I have a large bust. I'm not sure what exactly I want to get, just know I want a tattoo on my left breast. I'm thinking maybe a guardian angel... Whatever I get can't be gaudy as I want to be able to wear my shirts with the deep neckline's without having to cover up the tattoo. Hmmm I'm thinking maybe an angel... I know I want some filigree line thing I designed on my ankle/foot, and I want a iris on my upper thigh/hip. I can't wait to get that one. I want it to look similar to this except I want my kids first initials in the flower too. So that leaves me with wondering what to get on my breast... I was tempted to start drawing something, that's how I designed the one for my ankle/foot but I was at work so I decided against it. Yes, I was tempted to draw on my skin. Something about the milky white skin on my breast (yes, I have an olive complexion, but my breasts are whiter than the rest of me =p). I'm not sure why I like to draw on myself as much as I do but I love to.
Things between him and I are still whatever they have been. He still doesn't talk to me; I still don't trust him. I don't know what else I can do to fix things. I know I still love him; sometimes though, I wonder if I'm still in-love. Without the trust it's hard. I'm calling a "professional" Monday morning. I've come to the conclusion that while I want a divorce right now, I know I haven't tried everything in my power. This is that last ditch effort. I can't make him talk to someone like he promised me he would. I can only control what I do. That being said, talking to a professional should help me in the long run. I need to find a way to be happy again, with or without him. Boss lady told me I need to find a way to be alone again, I guess this is my first step.
I'm tired of feeling this way.
What really confuses me, no it frustrates the hell out of me... What really frustrates me is there are some really nice people in this world that make me feel the way I wish he would make me feel. How is it they can manage that? Jack, we haven't talked much lately, but he really makes me notice what I'm missing in my marriage. And, I'm dubbing him, Clark - my closet bad boy/hero, but Clark really hammers home everything that seems to be wrong. Granted I get flirty with both of them, well I get flirty with everything - it's my defense I guess, keeps things light and the distance I want to keep stays in place. Despite the flirts though, they both seem to see what he is so blind to. I don't know if he's blind or just doesn't care. The latter seems more accurate these days. While I love to talk with both Jake and Clark, they make me melancholy. I don't want to feel this way anymore...
I want it to stop... I just want everything to stop...
It was nice to get in this morning and have the boss lady yell at me for being out so long. Hmmm who doesn't like to feel needed though. It's sad, I want that feeling from him so badly that I reach out for it eagerly whenever anyone else offers it. *sigh* I guess the boss man needed a file though, even boss lady couldn't find it. I was starting to get worried that maybe I'd messed up the files. So when he came in today I asked him what file was lost. Hehe turns out they're both just blind. It was right where it should have been. And I didn't mess it up. Yay me!
I decided while I was writing up the service requests; I want another tattoo. Random thought I know, when aren't my thoughts random... Seriously though, the shirt I wore today has a deep U shaped neckline and my breasts peek above the shirt a little bit so while I had my head bent over the service requests I had an eye full. No, I wasn't checking my own chest out. And it's not my fault I have a large bust. I'm not sure what exactly I want to get, just know I want a tattoo on my left breast. I'm thinking maybe a guardian angel... Whatever I get can't be gaudy as I want to be able to wear my shirts with the deep neckline's without having to cover up the tattoo. Hmmm I'm thinking maybe an angel... I know I want some filigree line thing I designed on my ankle/foot, and I want a iris on my upper thigh/hip. I can't wait to get that one. I want it to look similar to this except I want my kids first initials in the flower too. So that leaves me with wondering what to get on my breast... I was tempted to start drawing something, that's how I designed the one for my ankle/foot but I was at work so I decided against it. Yes, I was tempted to draw on my skin. Something about the milky white skin on my breast (yes, I have an olive complexion, but my breasts are whiter than the rest of me =p). I'm not sure why I like to draw on myself as much as I do but I love to.
Things between him and I are still whatever they have been. He still doesn't talk to me; I still don't trust him. I don't know what else I can do to fix things. I know I still love him; sometimes though, I wonder if I'm still in-love. Without the trust it's hard. I'm calling a "professional" Monday morning. I've come to the conclusion that while I want a divorce right now, I know I haven't tried everything in my power. This is that last ditch effort. I can't make him talk to someone like he promised me he would. I can only control what I do. That being said, talking to a professional should help me in the long run. I need to find a way to be happy again, with or without him. Boss lady told me I need to find a way to be alone again, I guess this is my first step.
I'm tired of feeling this way.
What really confuses me, no it frustrates the hell out of me... What really frustrates me is there are some really nice people in this world that make me feel the way I wish he would make me feel. How is it they can manage that? Jack, we haven't talked much lately, but he really makes me notice what I'm missing in my marriage. And, I'm dubbing him, Clark - my closet bad boy/hero, but Clark really hammers home everything that seems to be wrong. Granted I get flirty with both of them, well I get flirty with everything - it's my defense I guess, keeps things light and the distance I want to keep stays in place. Despite the flirts though, they both seem to see what he is so blind to. I don't know if he's blind or just doesn't care. The latter seems more accurate these days. While I love to talk with both Jake and Clark, they make me melancholy. I don't want to feel this way anymore...
I want it to stop... I just want everything to stop...
1/10/10
Circles
Hmm my head hurts now. Spent a long time talking to, umm I'll call him Willy, cuz he's sweet like candy. =p Anyway, spent a long time talking to Willy tonight. Boy he talks me in circles! I can't talk to him and carry on other convos at the same time. At least not completely. In any event, it was nice to talk. He's really sweet, albeit a little devious. (Yes, you Willy!)
It helped to ease my irritated mood he put me in though. He decided once again the stupid game was more important. Someday I'll learn. I just don't understand, how can he spend so much time researching and committing to the game when he won't even do half as much for me. Yea, after being married for so long things become habit. If he'd just take a moment and really listen to me, try to understand. . .
One of my better friends asked if maybe he was trying to find some common ground - or maybe she was asking me if I could find some common ground? Whatever. I just know when it comes down to it, if your spouse is barely talking to you it's time you found that common ground. And you better hope you find it pretty quickly. When you don't talk, what else is there? And do one-sided convo's really count as "talking"? What about talking about the inconsequential "crap"? Does that count?
Sorry this is garbled. I'm still going in circles, probably triangles myself now.
It helped to ease my irritated mood he put me in though. He decided once again the stupid game was more important. Someday I'll learn. I just don't understand, how can he spend so much time researching and committing to the game when he won't even do half as much for me. Yea, after being married for so long things become habit. If he'd just take a moment and really listen to me, try to understand. . .
One of my better friends asked if maybe he was trying to find some common ground - or maybe she was asking me if I could find some common ground? Whatever. I just know when it comes down to it, if your spouse is barely talking to you it's time you found that common ground. And you better hope you find it pretty quickly. When you don't talk, what else is there? And do one-sided convo's really count as "talking"? What about talking about the inconsequential "crap"? Does that count?
Sorry this is garbled. I'm still going in circles, probably triangles myself now.
1/6/10
Slapped in the face
Ever since I can remember, I've been a very guarded person. I've always had a problem letting my guard down. Each and every time I've ever let someone get close to me, they've let me down.
First example, and probably the I've built walls around myself, my father. We've always had a rocky relationship. One minute he wants to be a dad, the next he doesn't even acknowledge my existence. Yea that makes for a real secure girl. But so what boo hoo right. I just learned not to trust people with things that matter the most to me. And that worked for a long time.
Until I finally let him close to me. He was my best friend, he promised he'd never break my heart, I would never have a reason not to trust him. When I said "I do", I did. I gave him my all. I trusted him, talked to him and loved him with every ounce I had. Now I feel like he took all that I gave and slapped me in the face with it.
I almost wish he would've just cheated on me. At least then I'd have a reason to feel this resentment. At least then I could understand why he was being so distant. I don't think I could forgive it, but I don't know. . . it's at least something concrete. But all this, what we've turned into. . .
Since March of last year, I can count the "serious" talks/heart-to-hearts we've had on my fingers. And even before then, things weren't the best. I can't handle the lies. With every lie he's told me I've felt myself build another layer around my heart. Now, we don't even talk anymore. I come home from work and put on my iPod. I mean, I've tried to talk to him. About 2 weeks ago I tried for the last time. We were in bed and I told him I wasn't happy, that I hadn't been happy in a very long time. I said other things to, explained how I thought my depression was coming back and I had ben having suicidal thoughts again along with a few other things, and that it all scared me tremendously. I explained that the only thing keeping me holding on was my own selfish, stubborn streak - I couldn't walk out on my kids like that, I'd never do that to them. After all this talking (by talking I mean I was doing the talking) he simply told me "maybe you should see a counselor then you'll feel better."
For fuck's sake! I understand these are very good reasons someone should go see a counselor, and I get that he's not qualified to "shrink me" but don't I at least get the right to have some genuine concern. Some honest talking. Is it too much to ask for? Who doesn't try to ask their wife why they aren't happy? Who just says ok go talk to someone else and leave the convo at that?? And this is supposed to reassure me that he's still invested in the marriage.
*Sigh* I know that sounds like I was just trying to get some attention. That's not what the case was. It's just . . . wow, yet again I laid my heart on the floor and it was stomped on. After that, I can't even bring myself to talk to him, at least not about the important stuff. Well actually we really don't talk at all anymore. And he seems to be ok with that. =( He stopped talking to me about the important things in the end of 2008, I'm so tired of having one-sided conversations. I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to be let down again. And yes, I know life isn't perfect - I get that I'm going to be let down time and again. But I don't have to expect that on a daily basis from the one person that's supposed to cherish me. I shouldn't have to wonder if I'm being fed a lie once again or not. And that's what I'm getting at.
I've started wishing I could go back and tell him no rather than "I do". For over a year now, when I've tried to have a serious convo with him all I get are mhmm's and ok's; I want someone to interact with me and not just on an intimate level. Is that too much to ask for?
I was talking to my boss earlier today about this, she told me I should just file the paperwork. And I know it's going to come to that, I'm scared and sad. I go through this constant battle in my head every hour of everyday "is this really what I want?" "is there really no other way?" "what about the kids?" "have I really tried everything?" "can it ever get better?" Even sitting here now, crying once again - after I said I didn't want to cry anymore - he looks at me and then looks away. Is that really love?
I mean, is that really a healthy relationship? And how do I make it better when he won't talk to me, won't give me what I need? And it's not a matter of being to needful or unreasonable expectations. I just need him to be interested, involved with me more than just for sex. I need to feel like I mean more than that to him. I need him to be an active part in all aspects. Is that really too much???
I'm so tired. . . .
First example, and probably the I've built walls around myself, my father. We've always had a rocky relationship. One minute he wants to be a dad, the next he doesn't even acknowledge my existence. Yea that makes for a real secure girl. But so what boo hoo right. I just learned not to trust people with things that matter the most to me. And that worked for a long time.
Until I finally let him close to me. He was my best friend, he promised he'd never break my heart, I would never have a reason not to trust him. When I said "I do", I did. I gave him my all. I trusted him, talked to him and loved him with every ounce I had. Now I feel like he took all that I gave and slapped me in the face with it.
I almost wish he would've just cheated on me. At least then I'd have a reason to feel this resentment. At least then I could understand why he was being so distant. I don't think I could forgive it, but I don't know. . . it's at least something concrete. But all this, what we've turned into. . .
Since March of last year, I can count the "serious" talks/heart-to-hearts we've had on my fingers. And even before then, things weren't the best. I can't handle the lies. With every lie he's told me I've felt myself build another layer around my heart. Now, we don't even talk anymore. I come home from work and put on my iPod. I mean, I've tried to talk to him. About 2 weeks ago I tried for the last time. We were in bed and I told him I wasn't happy, that I hadn't been happy in a very long time. I said other things to, explained how I thought my depression was coming back and I had ben having suicidal thoughts again along with a few other things, and that it all scared me tremendously. I explained that the only thing keeping me holding on was my own selfish, stubborn streak - I couldn't walk out on my kids like that, I'd never do that to them. After all this talking (by talking I mean I was doing the talking) he simply told me "maybe you should see a counselor then you'll feel better."
For fuck's sake! I understand these are very good reasons someone should go see a counselor, and I get that he's not qualified to "shrink me" but don't I at least get the right to have some genuine concern. Some honest talking. Is it too much to ask for? Who doesn't try to ask their wife why they aren't happy? Who just says ok go talk to someone else and leave the convo at that?? And this is supposed to reassure me that he's still invested in the marriage.
*Sigh* I know that sounds like I was just trying to get some attention. That's not what the case was. It's just . . . wow, yet again I laid my heart on the floor and it was stomped on. After that, I can't even bring myself to talk to him, at least not about the important stuff. Well actually we really don't talk at all anymore. And he seems to be ok with that. =( He stopped talking to me about the important things in the end of 2008, I'm so tired of having one-sided conversations. I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to be let down again. And yes, I know life isn't perfect - I get that I'm going to be let down time and again. But I don't have to expect that on a daily basis from the one person that's supposed to cherish me. I shouldn't have to wonder if I'm being fed a lie once again or not. And that's what I'm getting at.
I've started wishing I could go back and tell him no rather than "I do". For over a year now, when I've tried to have a serious convo with him all I get are mhmm's and ok's; I want someone to interact with me and not just on an intimate level. Is that too much to ask for?
I was talking to my boss earlier today about this, she told me I should just file the paperwork. And I know it's going to come to that, I'm scared and sad. I go through this constant battle in my head every hour of everyday "is this really what I want?" "is there really no other way?" "what about the kids?" "have I really tried everything?" "can it ever get better?" Even sitting here now, crying once again - after I said I didn't want to cry anymore - he looks at me and then looks away. Is that really love?
I mean, is that really a healthy relationship? And how do I make it better when he won't talk to me, won't give me what I need? And it's not a matter of being to needful or unreasonable expectations. I just need him to be interested, involved with me more than just for sex. I need to feel like I mean more than that to him. I need him to be an active part in all aspects. Is that really too much???
I'm so tired. . . .
1/4/10
let me go
Let Me Go by 3 Doors Down
One more kiss could be the best thing
One more lie could be the worst
And all these thoughts are never resting
And you're not something I deserve
In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
And this seems real to me
You love me, but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
You love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go, just let me go
I dream ahead to what I hope for
And I turn my back on loving you
How can this love be a good thing
And I know what I'm going through
In my head there's only you now
And this world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
And this seems real to me
You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
You love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go, just let me go
And no matter how hard I try
I can't escape these things inside
I know, I know
When all the pieces fall apart
You will be the only one who knows, who knows
And you love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go, just let me go
(you don't know who)
You love me but you don't
You love me but you don't
(you don't know)
You love me me but you don't know who I am
(you don't know)
You love me but you don't
You love me but you don't
(you don't know)
You love me but you don't know who I am
Yea, I can relate to song way too much in way too many ways =(
One more kiss could be the best thing
One more lie could be the worst
And all these thoughts are never resting
And you're not something I deserve
In my head there's only you now
This world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
And this seems real to me
You love me, but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
You love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go, just let me go
I dream ahead to what I hope for
And I turn my back on loving you
How can this love be a good thing
And I know what I'm going through
In my head there's only you now
And this world falls on me
In this world there's real and make believe
And this seems real to me
You love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
You love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go, just let me go
And no matter how hard I try
I can't escape these things inside
I know, I know
When all the pieces fall apart
You will be the only one who knows, who knows
And you love me but you don't know who I am
I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don't know who I am
So let me go, just let me go
(you don't know who)
You love me but you don't
You love me but you don't
(you don't know)
You love me me but you don't know who I am
(you don't know)
You love me but you don't
You love me but you don't
(you don't know)
You love me but you don't know who I am
Yea, I can relate to song way too much in way too many ways =(
Temptation
I was asked today if I thought things were truly over with him and I; I really do. It kills me to think/feel that but I just don't think I can ever trust him again. After every lie he's ever told me, resentment has built so thickly that I can't seem to get past it.
Jack gave me his number today and I am so tempted to call him. I just want to be done with all this BS between him and I. And no, not just so I can pursue Jack. I've wanted to be done for a long time now. I'm just scared I guess. And I don't want to leave him high and dry. Granted he was the reason we moved here. But he doesn't have any family out here. Despite my anger, hurt and resentment - he'll always be my best friend.
I'm sad that I know things are over with us. It breaks my heart. And yet, everyday I wanna scream out that I am just done. Why am I holding on? Why am I afraid to break free? Will I ever get past that???
Jack gave me his number today and I am so tempted to call him. I just want to be done with all this BS between him and I. And no, not just so I can pursue Jack. I've wanted to be done for a long time now. I'm just scared I guess. And I don't want to leave him high and dry. Granted he was the reason we moved here. But he doesn't have any family out here. Despite my anger, hurt and resentment - he'll always be my best friend.
I'm sad that I know things are over with us. It breaks my heart. And yet, everyday I wanna scream out that I am just done. Why am I holding on? Why am I afraid to break free? Will I ever get past that???
1/3/10
Unable to focus
So I've had this idea in my head for a few days now and it's just not going away. Maybe if I write it down I'll be able to get it out of my head. Then again, maybe it won't but what will it hurt to share my fun "creative" side. Yes, it's one of those things =)
As soon as I punched the little plastic card in the key slot, I could feel the stress of the day ease from my shoulders. Someway or another things would work out the way they were meant to but until then, I had this moment and I was going to make the most of it. The door swung open easily, the cooped up heat blasted my face, it felt good to be here.
Turning toward the door, Sammy smiled over at me which caused about twenty butterflies swarming my stomach. I shut the door as he greeted me "Hey babe, I'm just about done here what would you like to do?"
"Hmm a hot shower would be nice. I'm really cold. Don't rush off for me, play for a while while I go take a shower."
"You sure babe? I could come help you if you want" He teased.
"I'm sure I can manage hun"
"Aww, what if I can't?"
"You silly man. Just sit there and do what you're doing. I'll be quick I promise!"
Because it was Sammy, I knew not to take his teasing lightly and I just wanted to unwind a little so I rushed across the room and shut the door before he could get up. He wouldn't try to come in once I had the door shut, it was comforting to know he knew me so well. I cranked up the hot water, brushed my hair out and setting the towel on the edge of the counter I got under the stream of water without a second thought. It felt good to stand there and let the water heat me up. As the bitter cold disappeared, my body became heated knowing how close Sammy was. I'd waited too long for this moment to come and the tension from waiting felt like bricks in my stomach. I finished my shower in record time, briskly dried off with the towel and then wrapped it around my hair as I stepped out of the shower to dress.
As I got out of the shower I realized that in my haste, I'd forgotten to grab my bag. There was no way I could ask Sammy; I wanted this moment to be worth the wait. I tried to buy myself some time by blow drying my hair. There was a chance Sammy would fuss over how long I was taking, but I needed to figure out what to do.
With my hair dry, I pulled the door open a bit to peak out at him - thankfully he was preoccupied. Looking around I noticed my bag, across the room next to his feet. A small groan escaped as I almost gave up the notion of "the right moment" but then I saw one of Sammy's shirts on the bed and grabbed it up before I could change my mind. Maybe I can still salvage this moment I thought as I slipped into the shirt.
Hoping I could reach him without his noticing me I quickly walked up behind him and wrapped my arms around his shoulders. His body was warm against mine. As he started to turn toward me I kissed his cheek and asked what he was doing.
"Oh I'm just in this group but I can leave it. I was just waiting for you."
"No, you're fine. I wanna watch."
"You sure? I really don't mind. I came to be with you, I can do this anytime."
"I'm sure. I like to watch you"
He chuckled but agreed to finish his group, I noticed his cheek was turning pink - I loved that about him. But I didn't want to think on it much so I turned my eyes to the monitor and watched his group. He felt so warm I began to rub my hands over his shoulders, gently massaging them. Hearing him sigh and feeling him begin to fidget, I knew this wasn't a wise decision.
"One sec hun, lemme grab something. I'll be right back" I said as I crossed to the bathroom and grabbed my brush off the counter. I wasn't sure if he'd like it, but I loved it and thought it'd be a safer choice then rubbing his shoulders. Returning to him, I began to brush the end of his hair - gently working my way to the top of his head where I stroked the brush through the full length of his hair. Despite the length of his hair, this task didn't take up nearly as much time as I hoped it would.
Getting impatient with the brush, I started brushing my fingers through his hair. I teased him a little about how jealous I was that his hair was longer than mine. I was sure he was pretty relaxed as I was able to turn his head by his hair. Oh to hell with waiting, I thought.
I ran my hand down his left arm as I whispered in his ear "I missed you today" and then I kissed his earlobe. My other hand found it's way over his shoulder and down his chest while I kissed his neck, licking that little spot behind his ear. He groaned again and began fidgeting some more which made my smile. I knew he wouldn't want me to right then, but I just couldn't wait any more.
Circling around to the front of him, I straddled his lapped and kissed his bottom lip. He pretended to ignore me, but the bulge in his lap made it all too clear he wasn't ignoring me. I kissed his jaw, his neck and whispered "I know you're busy and all but I lied. I'm tired of waiting" next to his ear.
Before I'd finished whispering, I felt one of his hands on my bare thigh as the other snaked up my back, under my hair to grasp my neck. He held me by the back of my neck, turned his face to mine and kissed the breath from me. Wrapping my legs around him, he grabbed me around the waist and stood up to set me down on the desk.
He had the shirt off of me as I regained the ability to breathe. Cupping my breast in his hand he rolled his thumb over my nipple and began to kiss a trail down my neck. Frantically I pulled him free of his pants, I had to have his skin against mine. As I took him in my palm I heard the air hiss from his mouth. Softly stroking him, he looked up at me and I smiled as I pulled him closer to me. A low groan escaped his clasped lips causing me to worry, it felt like he was ok but he looked pained.
As the worry deepened I let him go. He continued to stare at me with that pained look. The heartache I knew I'd have to deal with seized me. I gripped his waist to try and keep him next to me as I reached my free hand to his cheek.
"Hun? Are you ok?" I asked just above a whisper.
"No, I'm not. All this waiting you made me do. . . it's . . . I'm not sure I can. . . " Damn it, don't you dare cry now I told myself as he tried to explain to me what was wrong. I made myself let go of him as the tear started to slip out. I knew I had to say something but I couldn't find the words so I lowered my head in the hopes he wouldn't have noticed the tear.
To my horror, he pulled my chin back up and kissed me. His finger eased into me while I tried to comprehend what had just happened. It didn't take him long to realize I was well primed for him. He gripped my waist, looked me in they eyes and pulled me onto him. Gasping for breath, I grabbed hold of his shoulders for support. He chuckled as he felt my climax. His grip on my waist tightened as I tightened around him.
As my body began to relax against his; he smiled, wiped the tear from my face with his thumb and explained "Not sure I can wait for you to do that." Overcome with pleasure I pulled his face to mine and kissed him, sucking his tongue into my mouth as I tightened around him he tensed and I felt him shudder with the release I'd just felt.
As soon as I punched the little plastic card in the key slot, I could feel the stress of the day ease from my shoulders. Someway or another things would work out the way they were meant to but until then, I had this moment and I was going to make the most of it. The door swung open easily, the cooped up heat blasted my face, it felt good to be here.
Turning toward the door, Sammy smiled over at me which caused about twenty butterflies swarming my stomach. I shut the door as he greeted me "Hey babe, I'm just about done here what would you like to do?"
"Hmm a hot shower would be nice. I'm really cold. Don't rush off for me, play for a while while I go take a shower."
"You sure babe? I could come help you if you want" He teased.
"I'm sure I can manage hun"
"Aww, what if I can't?"
"You silly man. Just sit there and do what you're doing. I'll be quick I promise!"
Because it was Sammy, I knew not to take his teasing lightly and I just wanted to unwind a little so I rushed across the room and shut the door before he could get up. He wouldn't try to come in once I had the door shut, it was comforting to know he knew me so well. I cranked up the hot water, brushed my hair out and setting the towel on the edge of the counter I got under the stream of water without a second thought. It felt good to stand there and let the water heat me up. As the bitter cold disappeared, my body became heated knowing how close Sammy was. I'd waited too long for this moment to come and the tension from waiting felt like bricks in my stomach. I finished my shower in record time, briskly dried off with the towel and then wrapped it around my hair as I stepped out of the shower to dress.
As I got out of the shower I realized that in my haste, I'd forgotten to grab my bag. There was no way I could ask Sammy; I wanted this moment to be worth the wait. I tried to buy myself some time by blow drying my hair. There was a chance Sammy would fuss over how long I was taking, but I needed to figure out what to do.
With my hair dry, I pulled the door open a bit to peak out at him - thankfully he was preoccupied. Looking around I noticed my bag, across the room next to his feet. A small groan escaped as I almost gave up the notion of "the right moment" but then I saw one of Sammy's shirts on the bed and grabbed it up before I could change my mind. Maybe I can still salvage this moment I thought as I slipped into the shirt.
Hoping I could reach him without his noticing me I quickly walked up behind him and wrapped my arms around his shoulders. His body was warm against mine. As he started to turn toward me I kissed his cheek and asked what he was doing.
"Oh I'm just in this group but I can leave it. I was just waiting for you."
"No, you're fine. I wanna watch."
"You sure? I really don't mind. I came to be with you, I can do this anytime."
"I'm sure. I like to watch you"
He chuckled but agreed to finish his group, I noticed his cheek was turning pink - I loved that about him. But I didn't want to think on it much so I turned my eyes to the monitor and watched his group. He felt so warm I began to rub my hands over his shoulders, gently massaging them. Hearing him sigh and feeling him begin to fidget, I knew this wasn't a wise decision.
"One sec hun, lemme grab something. I'll be right back" I said as I crossed to the bathroom and grabbed my brush off the counter. I wasn't sure if he'd like it, but I loved it and thought it'd be a safer choice then rubbing his shoulders. Returning to him, I began to brush the end of his hair - gently working my way to the top of his head where I stroked the brush through the full length of his hair. Despite the length of his hair, this task didn't take up nearly as much time as I hoped it would.
Getting impatient with the brush, I started brushing my fingers through his hair. I teased him a little about how jealous I was that his hair was longer than mine. I was sure he was pretty relaxed as I was able to turn his head by his hair. Oh to hell with waiting, I thought.
I ran my hand down his left arm as I whispered in his ear "I missed you today" and then I kissed his earlobe. My other hand found it's way over his shoulder and down his chest while I kissed his neck, licking that little spot behind his ear. He groaned again and began fidgeting some more which made my smile. I knew he wouldn't want me to right then, but I just couldn't wait any more.
Circling around to the front of him, I straddled his lapped and kissed his bottom lip. He pretended to ignore me, but the bulge in his lap made it all too clear he wasn't ignoring me. I kissed his jaw, his neck and whispered "I know you're busy and all but I lied. I'm tired of waiting" next to his ear.
Before I'd finished whispering, I felt one of his hands on my bare thigh as the other snaked up my back, under my hair to grasp my neck. He held me by the back of my neck, turned his face to mine and kissed the breath from me. Wrapping my legs around him, he grabbed me around the waist and stood up to set me down on the desk.
He had the shirt off of me as I regained the ability to breathe. Cupping my breast in his hand he rolled his thumb over my nipple and began to kiss a trail down my neck. Frantically I pulled him free of his pants, I had to have his skin against mine. As I took him in my palm I heard the air hiss from his mouth. Softly stroking him, he looked up at me and I smiled as I pulled him closer to me. A low groan escaped his clasped lips causing me to worry, it felt like he was ok but he looked pained.
As the worry deepened I let him go. He continued to stare at me with that pained look. The heartache I knew I'd have to deal with seized me. I gripped his waist to try and keep him next to me as I reached my free hand to his cheek.
"Hun? Are you ok?" I asked just above a whisper.
"No, I'm not. All this waiting you made me do. . . it's . . . I'm not sure I can. . . " Damn it, don't you dare cry now I told myself as he tried to explain to me what was wrong. I made myself let go of him as the tear started to slip out. I knew I had to say something but I couldn't find the words so I lowered my head in the hopes he wouldn't have noticed the tear.
To my horror, he pulled my chin back up and kissed me. His finger eased into me while I tried to comprehend what had just happened. It didn't take him long to realize I was well primed for him. He gripped my waist, looked me in they eyes and pulled me onto him. Gasping for breath, I grabbed hold of his shoulders for support. He chuckled as he felt my climax. His grip on my waist tightened as I tightened around him.
As my body began to relax against his; he smiled, wiped the tear from my face with his thumb and explained "Not sure I can wait for you to do that." Overcome with pleasure I pulled his face to mine and kissed him, sucking his tongue into my mouth as I tightened around him he tensed and I felt him shudder with the release I'd just felt.
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