The kids were so excited; it was their first weekend with their dad. I was even more excited then they were as this was my first weekend all to myself in eons. I'd bought the trailer two months ago, right after he had moved back to his parents place. Since it's on a lot in Nevada, I hadn't been able to get there that often. I'd considered bringing it to ID but with the upcoming travels taking the kids to and from his place, I figured I could have a place to crash and eliminate some mileage on my truck. Lord knows it's not getting any younger.
Coming out of my room with my laptop, duffel bag, and sweater flung over my shoulder; my pillow and purse under my other arm; I walked into a shower of chaos. Shirts were flying across the hallway along with a lone tennis shoe, some brushes, make-up kits; you name it the kids were tossing it to each other. Amused with their enthusiastic desire to hurry up and pack, I set my stuff down and began the directing process. Soon enough I had 5 duffel bags packed into the car, ipods on, gameboys in hands, and stuffies snuggled up; all the kids were tightly buckled up and we were on the road. The excitement bounced off of all of us as we jammed to the radio.
As the day grew longer, the kids settled down and my thoughts tuned in to my upcoming weekend. I'd brought the 3 latest Sookie Stackhouse novels, my own iPod, beach towel, suntan oil, and my fluffy pillow to keep me entertained. I'd also brought my camera, laptop and sweater - while I wasn't planning on actually working, I was hoping to capture some wildlife shots. I was pretty sure I'd brought everything I needed...oh wait... "Hey baby girl, do you see Mommas cell in her purse?" I asked the oldest. She rummaged around for a while, every second my heart sank further until she smiled triumphantly and said "Yup Momma - here it is. Did you need me to call someone?" It always amazed me how considerate she was. "No sweetie, I just wanted to make sure I had it. Thanks babe." She flashed me another grin, rolled her eye a bit, shook her head and went back to her iPod. Like mother, like daughter I guess.
Finally as the sun was setting we pulled into the lot the trailer sat at. I smiled, thinking again that I made the right decision having the local Merry Maid come here and get the trailer ready for me. After all the excitement, I knew I'd be sleeping soon. The kids bounded out of the truck and into the trailer. They all wanted to see where I'd be staying and why they couldn't stay with me until they saw just how small the inside really was. Yes, I am a devious mom - I got the smaller trailer to avoid this very conversation. The trailer was my retreat; a place for me to get away and recenter; to be me not mommy, not an ex-wife, just me.
Just as we finished up the grand tour we heard the gravel crunching as a car approached. This was the part I was dreading most. I hadn't seen him in a few months now, we've only talked about 2 times since he'd left, and there was still so much that needed closure... Closing my eyes, I took a quick breath and counted to 10 before herding the kids outside.
As soon as they saw him they all ran over to him squealing with delight; once again the doubt pierced through my heart. Had I made the right choice? He hugged them all, kissed them and looked to me and smiled, as if this was a normal event. My heart shattered again, I turned and walked back in the trailer to dry my eyes, calling out that I was getting their jackets. How could he be so impervious? So much for a peaceful night, I thought to myself.
When I left the trailer again for the second time I saw the kids were getting all buckled up in his car. I ran over, hugged and kissed each of them. I tossed the jackets in the trunk, slammed it shut and stepped to the side of his car. He approached me and I asked him to call me as soon as they got to the house, he said he would. We stared at each other awkwardly - we'd been kissing and hugging each other goodbye for just about fifteen years, how were we supposed to say goodbye now? Unable to stand the awkwardness a min longer I gently put my hand on his cheek, looked him in the eye and told him to drive as safe as he could. Then I said bye. I turned and walked to the step of my trailer to watch them drive off.
As the dust settled again, I was aware of the chill from my tears. They just left and I missed them already. I didn't know how I'd make it through the next three days. Going inside the trailer I took a quick account of the food I had and would need to get. Thanking the kindness of the maids I quickly brewed up a cup of hot cocoa and sat down with my first book. However, after reading the same page for the tenth time I decided I'd try playing on my laptop for a little while then head to bed.
Surprisingly there was very little in the way of emails. I did notice Steve had sent me one. His emails always made me smile. To be honest, he always made me smile. Steve was such a sweet, kind, honest, open man. We'd been planning to meet for a while but hadn't really had the time, I couldn't wait for that day to come. I was very anxious to finally meet him. After reading over his daily account, I pounded out a quick reply telling him we'd made it to Elko safely; the kids had left already; and that I was thinking eagerly of our meeting - I sent off the email and instantly felt better,
I decided one more cup of cocoa and a second attempt at the book would be possible. While I was pouring the hot water into the mug of cocoa I hear my email ding, indicating I had another message. I smirked to myself thinking how wonderful it'd be if it was Steve but figured it'd be a spam message. Yet, sitting at the table I glanced at my laptop out of curiosity and was floored - IT WAS STEVE!!!
Hey babe, while I'm ecstatic you guys made it to Elko safely; I'm sorry you're suffering so much. (Don't deny it, I know it's killing you having your babies gone. And I know that encounter with him had to have been pretty awkward for you. So yes, YOU ARE suffering) I wish I was there right now to wrap my arms around you until the pain subsided. I'm also thinking of our meeting eagerly. Well I have more research for my presentation so I better go. Think of me!! Steve P.S. You didn't tell me your daily answer yet!! What color?
Steve, (I responded) I won't try to deny it. It hurts, a lot. But I will get through it. Hmmm having your arms around me does sound tempting! Good luck on the pres. not that your super smart butt needs luck. =p Sweet dreams, Me. P.S. Minty green with small brown polka-dots =) P.S.S. If you're not busy, we could always plan to meet somewhere this weekend. I'm pretty close to you here in Elko. I'm parked in the campgrounds for now - I hope to find a permanent lot while I'm here this weekend. But I would gladly forget that search to come meet you somewhere.
After sending off the reply, I shut down the laptop and crawled into my bed. It had been a busy day and I was certain I'd pass out soon.
** More to come later. Sleeping pill is making it hard to concentrate and I have to send out one more email before sleeping
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