From A Table Away

I bet you’d never guess
who I saw tonight
Guess you didn’t see me in those
low dim lights
I knew who she was
By the ring still on her hand
Sure looked like you wanted to be her man

So I guess that means that things are better
Must not be so bad at home
I thought it looked like you were leavin’
But it don’t
And I heard you tell her you still love her
So it doesn’t matter what you say
I saw it all
From a table away

I thought she was pretty
She’s nothing like the things you said
The woman you described
Couldn’t even turn your head
The two of you look lost inside a world all your own
Like you couldn’t wait to get her alone

So I guess that means that things are better
Must not be so bad at home
I thought it looked like you were leavin’
But it don’t
And I heard you tell her you still love her
So it doesn’t matter what you say
I saw it all
From a table away

And I heard you tell her you still love her
So it doesn’t matter what you say
I saw it all
From a table away

Yes you’re gonna stay
A table away

~Sunny Sweeney

Easy to love

She made it easy to love you,
God knows I didn't want to...
you're the secret I can't tell;
what should be a fairytale
is Heaven and Hell

I know I'll only ever be second-rate;
not even the miles which separate
shall affect our fate
while you let her dictate
this life you hate...

She made it easy to love you,
God knows I didn't want to...
now you're the secret I can't tell...
what should have been a fairytale
has become Heaven and Hell

Your touch upon my skin
would be no less than a cardinal sin
but this ache within
you've clearly awakened...

She made it easy to love you...
only God knows I didn't want to
I hate that you're a secret I can't tell...
what could've been a fairytale
has become my own personal Hell...

The passion riddles my sigh...
weary; I've begun to question why
I must continue to deny
this need to have you nearby...
how did my life become this lie?

She made it easy to love you...
God knows I didn't want to...
you've become the secret I won't tell,
I wish you were my fairytale
instead of this Hell

My body burns in defiance...
despite my reticence,
you've worn down my hesitance...
it's become too hard to hide in silence
when all I want is your decadence...

It was too easy to love you...
God knows I didn't want to...
you can't be the secret I'm can't tell
because now I want the fairytale...
all of Heaven without the Hell

I just want to feel the quake of your embrace...the strength of your caress...the burn as the sin begins...

I'm fully aware you'll never be there...you'll never care...and you'll never see the real need...

But it's a chance worth taking......a heart worth breaking...

She made it easy to love you
I didn't want to...
now you're a secret I can't tell...
and we'll never know the fairytale...
we're forever stuck between Heaven and Hell...

I'll only ever be second-rate...
not even the miles which separate
will affect our fate
while she still dictates
this life we hate...

"My Secret Fantasy is to have 3 men at once Mr. Clean to clean the house, Uncle Ben to cook, and Jack to have a good time with"

Mr. Clean did a great job in the kitchen and bathrooms, Uncle Ben... well I cheated and used spanish rice instead ;) And Jack, his butt was a no show. =(

I am hoping he's ok and nothing happened on his drive over here. I wish he would have at least called. It would have saved a lot of worrying on my part.

Somehow I need to get him out of my system. But I just can't seem to. I have such a great time chatting and hanging out with him. Sure it'd be great to have more but I know that won't ever happen. I just hate how he makes me feel... well I like to feel that way, I just hate that it's him making me feel this way because I know there's not a chance in hell anything would ever come out of this.

Tired and sad

I hate this time of night, no one else is awake...
sleep is no where in sight.
That's when my thoughts begin to churn, the pain sets in...
hollow promises burn.

______________________________________________

I don't know why I'm so annoyed. It shouldn't get to me the way it has. I should be happy, I was happy only moments ago. Today was a great day, all things considered. But then I had to remember him asking if I was mad because he wasn't rushing up here. As if his inability to support the monsters, his eagerness to be so far from them and their anguish over his departure aren't enough reason for me to be mad. Grr. It really really angers me that he doesn't see what he's doing to them.

Then, in an attempt to cheer myself up and (hopefully) make Oscar smile - I flubbed up and only made things worse. Which really gets to me. =( You know how you just want to share a happy moment and make someone dear to your heart smile? Well that was what happened. But then I found out it didn't make him smile... and now I'm sad. Even the thoughts of Jack coming by tomorrow are no comfort.

I just wanted a happy day. That's all. Was it really too much to ask for???

I'm tired, I want to sleep... fricken A! I just want to sleep...

When You Need My Love

Two in the morning, telephone rings
Somehow I knew who it was
Cause baby it's always the same ol' thing
When you need my love

You say it's over again and again
This time you've had enough
Girl I know you've been fighting with him
When you need my love

Oh I wish I could just say no
And get you out of my heart
It must be nice to have someplace to go
When your world falls apart

He'll call tomorrow with the same ol' line
And you'll forget about us
And I'll be lonely until the next time
When you need my love

Oh I wish I could just say no
And get you out of my heart
It must be nice to have some place to go
When your world falls apart

And someday someone's gonna be true
And baby when she does
Then I wonder what you're gonna do
When you need my love

Yea then I wonder what you're gonna do
When you need my love
When you need my love
Yea what are you gonna do?

~Darryl Worley

If only

I was listening to some music, just random iTunes playlist and these popped in my head so here they are:

The arms that held me
seemed so empty...
Yours were the ones I sought;
my ploys you fought...
I've grown tired of the lonely;
If only...

___________________________________________________

I know you can't be here; I should just go.
Why do I let you affect me so? You shouldn't have this effect on me.
Do you even realize the brands have burned so deeply?
I would give everything, if only I had anything...

I want more

I've tried to find
some clever way to express this wish.
Quite clearly put, it's rather astute.
Alas there is no wit-ical manner
through which to hide in all this banter...
so I have to settle
for the plain and simple,
which I know you abhor.

I... want... more...

empty

This void is all consuming...it's swallowed my breath...possessed the heart that once hammered against my chest...words that once filled my thoughts have become vapors of half a notion...

deprieved...

...of a connection with another person, on more than just the physical aspect... I was cast out on my own... to make do with what I had... for so long... that it just came second nature. I wasn't worth the effort, expense or energy... Just deprived...."

a need

I've been feeling this compulsion to write, it's similar to that drive I'd have to light up a cigarette... My fingers itch with the need to pick up a pen, almost literally. However, lately my thoughts have been on tornado speed; focusing on one thought long enough to actually capture its essence and commit it to paper ...(or the computer) is damn near impossible....

Part of Undo It By Carrie Underwood

"...everything got out of hand, and I let it slide
now I only have myself to blame
for falling for your stupid games...

you stole my happy
you made me cry
took the lonely and took me for a ride
and I wanna...undo it
you had my heart, now I...
...see everything you lack
boy, you blew it
you put me through it...

...all your things, well i threw 'em in the trash
and I'm not even sad
now you only have yourself to blame
for playing all those stupid games
you're always gonna be the same
oh no, you'll never change...

...you want my future
you can't have it
I'm still trying to erase you from my past
I need you gone so fast..."

If that's how it turns out (revised)

What's become will be...
everything left unspoken will continue to scream late into the night...
and those words shouted to the heavens are to remain unheard...
it is what it is...
Despite all my protestations... beyond my fears...
i was yours for the taking...
Looking back now... through the tears...
we never stood a chance...
It's too late to learn from our destruction...
the pain you brought was plain as day...
that bump in the night couldn't have shouted it any louder...
hoarse from the pleas left unanswered...
the scars on my heart wrought this decision...
That's how it turned out

Note to self...

"Change only happens when the pain of holding on is greater than the fear of letting go..."

Lines from a song

"...'Cause maybe tonight it could turn into the rest of our lives... Are you ready to cross that line put your lips on mine...Do you wanna try...Are you ready to...Say goodbye to all these rules...maybe make a little magic...Don't wanna go to far just take it slow...maybe make a little magic in the moonlight..."

Hmm don't recall the name of the song though :(

I want...

to know where to find a real bad boy that can be a real good man....

A little bit stronger

I love this song so I thought I'd share it...


A little bit stronger
by Sarah Evans

Woke up
late today,
and I
still feel
the sting of the pain.
But I
brushed my teeth
anyway,
I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face.
I got a little bit stronger.

Riding in
the car to work,
and I'm
trying to ignore the hurt.
So I
turned on the radio,
Stupid song made me think of you, I listened to it for minute,
but then I changed it.
I'm getting a little bit stronger,
just a little bit stronger.

And I'm done hoping
that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels,
spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking,
that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days,
I get a little bit stronger.

It doesn't happen over night, but ya
turn around and a months gone by,
And you realize
you haven't cried.
I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer.
I'm busy getting stronger.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done
with how it feels,
spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking,
that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days,
I get a little bit stronger.

I get a little bit stronger.

Getting along without you baby,
I'm better off without you baby,
How does it feel without me baby?
I'm getting stronger without you baby.

And I'm done hoping
that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels,
spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking,
that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay,
Even on my weakest days,
I get a little bit stronger.

I get a little bit stronger.

I'm just a little bit stronger.
A little bit,
a little bit,
a little bit stronger.

I get a little bit stronger.

A conversation...

with my 4 yr old around 3 am one morning a few weeks ago. She'd become tangled in the sheets and needed a hand dislodging herself so she could make it to the potty before my sheets became soaked.... On the return trip she asked me " why does it have to be bedtime." I grumbled back "cuz it is honey" as I tried to find the bed without having to fully open my eyes. She asked "because God is tired?" :)

FYI

I feel the need to disclose: I filed for the divorce back in May.... It's all said and done... or at least filed and signed.