interested

I've been told I'm too abrasive, sometimes I'm too judgemental. Like I said, Mom told me I would end up killing any man that ever tried to control me. . . . She probably wasn't too far off. I am to independent for my own good most of the time.

I need someone who will stand up to me when I'm being too aggressive. A man that will look at me and yell back "I messed up again so effing what! Are we REALLY gonna fight about which shelf I put the beans on? Show me where they go, I'll try to remember next time." Instead, what I have is someone that says "fine, ok" or "whatever" and leaves it at that.

I need someone to stand up to me, and to be the first one to stand behind me, supporting me. Someone that will push me when I get tired and yet hold me when I fall. Someone to embrace my success and nudge me to do better when I fail. I need someone to listen to my ramblings, help me sort it all out. Someone that will stand back and let me cause a rumble with the asshole that shoved his way past our kids; or to be there, prepared and able to intervene if I've bitten off more than I could chew.

I'm the kind of lady that will stubbornly yell down at the over sized, egotistical husband of my best friend because he's an abusive prick and she can't stand up for herself. (Yes, that is a true story *sigh*) I'm the kind of stubborn, proud lady that won't tolerate an egotistical sexist man or his lame ass ideas. And when I blow my temper over such a person; I need a man that's willing to watch me dig my own grave and yet block the path to it before I'm thrown in.

I don't know if any of this makes sense. I'm still struggling with it all myself. But I do know, what I have . . . it's not what I need. Right now, I have a man that is willing to let me rule the roost. He doesn't fight for what he wants or believes in (unless I'm just not either of those). . .

*sigh* In the beginning of the year, when I told him I wanted him to move out, I wanted a separation he simply said ok. OK??? Really? When I told him this really told me that he was fine with ending the marriage, he didn't have much to say about it. I asked him what else I should think, he didn't know. So I decided to work on it. I've tried to talk to him about our issues, he won't interact in the conversations. How many one-sided convo's can a person have?

When I told him I wasn't happy, he said I needed to get in counseling. Then I told him I had a crush on someone else, that it scared me I felt this way, and that I couldn't help but have a crush on someone that made me feel important/happy; he asked me who it was and left it at that.

I know that I'm not perfect in ANY way at all. I've made plenty of mistakes myself. But if the role was reversed, if he was telling me he wasn't happy and had a crush - I'd be scared. I'd be asking what I could do to make things better. I'd ask him to get in marriage counselling with me. I'd want him to tell me what was behind the attraction, how I could improve, what we could do to get our life back. I'd want to know how serious the crush was, how worried I should be, if there was any hope. I guess I'd talk to him is what I am saying.

I think one of the reasons I'm having such a hard time is a direct result of my father's relationship with me. He never did and never will care enough about me, as his daughter, to be interested in my life, in me. He was never there for me when I was a child. Every time I've had a problem and tried to talk to him about it, I got very little response from him. I finally gave up. I figured if I had to tell my own father that he should be kicking my ass for having had sex with a boy at 14 - well then my father just wasn't meant to be a Dad. That was the pivotal moment, when I knew I'd never be enough for him. My marriage is turning out that way.

I'm sure that my relationship with my father has helped shape my outlook on life. After all, if I meant enough to him, he wouldn't have let me cut him out of my life would he? That being the case, he is letting me (if not guiding me) in cutting him out of my life now.

*sigh*

This isn't sounding the way I want it to sound. I know I can't make my father be the kind of dad I want him to be. And I know a lot of who he is is a direct result of the way his father was while he was growing up. But then I think, my father had to have known the sting of not knowing his own dad - he had to have felt the pain from not "being enough" - if this was the case, why would he be that sort of father?

OMG I'm still not conveying this the way I want to. . .

He doesn't care enough to fight for us. If he did, would he really just say OK when I said I wanted a separation? If he did, would he really be so willing to let me walk away? And why doesn't he care enough?

That's still not exactly what I'm trying to say but it's close enough. It's been a long, LOOOOONG weekend. Despite wanting to converse with people I missed, I'm just going to head to bed. Maybe the beer will put me to sleep. I should take an ambien, hmmm maybe a few will do the trick. . .

surprised

I have to let you know too that I was rather surprised to see the note you left me last night. After waiting for you all day, I found it and it was comforting.

Ohhh I should warn you. I tried real hard not to ask your buddy - But I couldn't resist the temptation any longer. So I asked him if he knew where you were, thought you were gonna be there today. Haha he was no help anyway. Said he didn't know and you two hadn't talked in a few. (I hope everything if ok there.)

I work til late this week so I will be on around 5:30 pm this week. Hope to see you then ;)

~Me

Wish List

So, I lied. I put money down as my wish list item on that last blog. Well I didn't lie but I changed my mind. My wish list item is a new journal. Lol. I know, I have 500 journals. How many can one person have right? Call me lame, there's just something about putting a ball point pen to paper. Call me a romantic. . . I don't know. I just love it.

Granted I get a lot more accomplished with the PC. But there is this certain appeal of pen and paper. I love to hold the pen, watch it caress the paper and see the thoughts just flow. There's something about the smell of the paper, it reminds me of being in school as a kid - like the beginning of the school years. You know, when you were so full of excitement and wonder, nerves and anxiety, curiosity and determination, innocence and ignorance. Yea, you remember the days.

So yea, my wish list item is a new journal.

Sucker

Meh, I am a sucker for these things. Since I don't feel like doing the mass email forward thing, I thought I'd post it here. If you're not interested, don't read it. It's one of those "forward it to everyone but replace my answers with yours" kinda things.

Gotta answer with one word:

Your cell phone: Quiet

Significant other: Obligated

Your hair: Frizzy

Your mother: Broken

Your father: Cheater. . . or Dying (sigh)

Your favorite thing: Music

Your dream last night: Wild

Your favorite drink: Depends

What room are you in: Bedroom

Your hobby: Writing

Your fear: Besides failure? Quiet

Where do you want to be in 6 years? Happy

Where were you last night? Home

Something that you aren't: Secure

Muffins: Meh

Wish list item: Money

Last thing you did: Blog

What are you wearing: Reg

TV? Off

Your pets: Stinky

Friends: Mhmm

Your life: Stuck

Your mood: Contemplative

Missing someone: Terribly

Drinking: Yes

Your car: Surviving

Something you're not wearing: Smile

Your favorite store: Hastings

Your favorite color: Purple (deep/dark purple ;~} )

When is the last time you cried? Yesterday

Who will respond? idk

Where do you go to over and over? Jack

Three ppl who email you regularly: Mom, bro and Case

Favorite place to eat: Arbys

Favorite place you'd like to be right now: Secure

In another's eyes

Wow "in another's eyes" so much to be said

I'm someone who loves her enough
to walk away from you
I'd never cheat
and I would never lie
In anothers eyes

In anothers eyes
I can do no wrong
And he believes in me
and his faith is strong
I'd never fail
or even compromise
in another's eyes

In anothers eyes
I'm afraid that you can't see
This picture perfect portrait
That they paint of me
They don't realize
And I prey they never do
'Cause everytime I look
I'm seeing you
In anothers eyes

In anothers eyes
Staring back at me
I see a sinkin soul
tryin desperately
To turn the tide
beofore it turns in anothers eyes

And what they don't see
Lord it's killing me
It's a blessing and a curse
that love is blind
'cause in anothers eyes
I'm araid that I

Ok it's not the complete song, but it's close. And it's soooo close to how I feel atm

Flaws

Wow so I should figure out all Jack's flaws etc. Figure out those and it may make me realize what I really want.

Jack - tell me your flaws. Please!

School kid crush

This is just lame. I feel like a school girl with a crush. I'm waiting to hear from him. Everytime I think it'll be him my stomach tightens up UGH!

Contemplating

Since I made that last entry in here, I can't seem to get it out of my mind. Being here at work, alone, makes it even worse. And in all fairness, it's not just that entry I can't get out of my mind. It's him. Yes I know I said that last entry was fictional and it was/is for the most part. Hmmm maybe that's why it's stuck with me so much- it has a base of reality to it.

The dream I had in that entry, well the entire entry, was an actual day dream I had had while I worked late that night. There is a guy, and we do talk a lot. He has/does threaten to "come visit" me when I'm not expecting it. So those things were also true. And every time he makes those threats I do get excited, scared and obsessed with the thoughts of him coming to see me.

And that dream, wow!!! It was about him By far, it's not the first one I've had either.

The guilt is starting to consume me though. I know I'm not "cheating" on him with this guy, at least not in the physical sense. There is a fine line though with the emotionality of it all and I am getting dangerously close to that line. He's told me he would leave me alone, all I had to do was tell him to go and he would be gone (yea, that line was a direct quote, shoot me) and I know I should tell him to go. I just can't. Well I can. . . . I don't want to. That's the scary part.

I want more, no not in the physical aspect - although hmmm some of my dreams would be. . . . no, nevermind. I want more of the . . . I'm not sure how to explain it. For one thing I want to know him better. What makes him tick? That sort of thing. I know he had kids - he does what's right by them too; I admire that. At the same time, I regret knowing it. Knowing he's like that just brings to mind all the ways he hasn't done right by our family, which makes me feel more guilty because of this that's happening between (hmm I need to give him a name to differentiate between the two of them, how about I call him Jack - it seems fitting since he appears to be a Jack-of-all-trades)

So where was I?

Oh I know Jack has kids and he does right by them. This just reminds me of how he hasn't done right by our family. Then I start to feel the guilt because of this thing between Jack and I is getting dangerous.

I feel too much for Jack. No, I'm not in love with him. But it could very easily turn that way. I want my marriage to work. More than anything I want it to work; I know I should tell Jack to go. There are just so many things broken in my marriage and I can't be the only one working on fixing them. He's 'sposed to be getting some counseling; he hasn't gone yet and it's been nearly a year. I don't think he sees how this prevents me from trusting him. He already lost my trust with all his lies. Reassuring me he would get into counseling and then not doing it - that's just one more lie. At least to me it is. I can't believe a word he says. Yes, I know I'm not the most innocent party here now that this thing is happening with Jack. But in my defense, I'm not cheating and I don't plan on it ever. Yes, I'm getting emotionally invested in Jack - but it's not serious yet. And as long as we keep it on the flirtatious side it won't get that way. I know I said I want more; who ever gets everything they want? If that was the case my marriage wouldn't be in shambles now. Besides (time to be immature here) I'm not the one that lied . (Yes, I sank that low) I'm not the one that continued to lie; risked my job, home and the well-being of my children for a cheap thrill. And no, I can't seem to just forgive and forget.

I should get into counseling. He's my husband. I should be able to forgive him. But knowing that he doesn't trust me (this is way before Jack came into the picture so shut it! Scroll down and read all the earlier entries if you want proof); he can't talk to me - when will it end? Especially if he's not getting the help he needs?

Growing up, my father cheated on my mother in every sense of the word. I could never ever do that to my marriage. I would just end the marriage if it ever came to that point. It's just; I was already contemplating ending the marriage before Jack and I started talking. Jack gives me a sense of hope. Not the hope that he and I could become something - I'm not that kinda girl; I have to figure one relationship out before I could jump into another one. Jack gives me hope that I am trustable, that I can have a relationship that's not full of lies. Jack reminds me of how happy I used to be before my marriage went to Hell in a handbag. That's probably the attraction? I know there is definitely an attraction there. And that has me scared. I don't want to feel like I have no choice but to end my marriage because of whatever this thing is with Jack and I.

*sigh* I just need a vacation from life.

Random day dream

I didn't think his threats were serious. Never in a million years would I have expected it. Granted his threats had me nervous. Only I was more nervous of the aftermath; how would life continue as it had been, you know, that sort of thing. I mean just the thought of his threats had me trembling. And that's how he found me. . . .


It had been a long, exhausting week. The kids were more demanding then usual, my workload heavier then ever due to the office closure - yea, the one I had to work through. I hadn't been sleeping well. Whenever it was time to sleep, thoughts of his threats would creep into my mind. I wanted to talk to someone about it, but what would I say? And why should I have taken the threats seriously anyway?

After everyone else had gone home for the holiday break, I breathed a sigh of relief. It would be nice to have some quiet time, alone. Still his threats were in my head. Hoping to drive them out, I flicked on my speakers. That was a mistake. Music has always been a catalyst to my moods and my mood was already in a dark place. For once, I was actual welcomed the quiet so I switched the speakers off again. Only . . . it wasn't quiet that met my ears.

Music was coming from the backroom. Too exhausted to take the extra 5 steps to flip on the lights; I walked down the dark hallway to turn off whoever's speakers were left on.

"Of course the music is in the last office. Why would it be in a closer office" I thought to myself. Without turning on the lights, I entered the office and crossed the room. As I reached out to turn off the radio the blood in my veins turned to ice.

"Aww don't do that" he whispered.

Quietly I cursed myself for not taking those extra steps, the last couple of seconds to turn on the lights and for leaving the back door unlocked. He must have heard me because he chuckled.

Slowly I turned around to face him. As sure as the sun was setting, he stood not 3 feet in front of me.

"Well" he said expectantly. I didn't know how to respond or even if I could.

"Hey, are you OK?" he asked. No! I wasn't OK. My knees were buckling, my breath was screaming to be released and my heart felt like it was pounding its way out of my rib cage. I knew I had to sit down or I'd collapse and I couldn't let that happen with him here. Taking a step back to put more space between us, I bumped into the desk. He must have sensed my insecurities.

"It's me. You're all right, I promise." He coaxed as he closed the gap between us in two strides.


All day I had fought against the cold yet as soon as he was before me I felt as though I were in an inferno. My skin tingled, his scent singed my lungs and my mouth was parched.

I closed my eyes as he reached his hand toward me.

Lowering his forehead to mine, he gently pushed the hair that had strayed from my clip behind my ear. I could feel his breath against my lips as he whispered "I'll leave, just tell me to go and I am gone."

I knew he was being sincere. "Just say the damn word" I heard my brain scream. "Just two little letters, one small word, come on say it. Tell him to go. . . . "

A hot tear slid down my cheek as I opened my eyes to look in his. Defeated, I knew with a certainty that I couldn't utter the word. He must have known it to.

All that bantering, all those moments stole to share with him, all the hopes; ideas; threats; encouragement; desire - it was all there consuming the six inches between us. It pulled at me, yanked at my heart and quickened my breath.

I closed my eyes to try and slow my racing heart when I felt his lips press against mine. Instantly my hands were pulling at his broad shoulders. I needed him closer. My breasts became swollen with desire and that tell-tale warmth spread from my center. My body was ready, it had been waiting for this exact moment for what seemed an eternity. Although my mind was protesting, my body was on auto-pilot.

He pulled me against his chest as his tongue tickled the insides of my lips. His hand pressed me tighter to him and his knee eased its way between my thighs. Briefly I became aware of the dampness I knew he'd soon discover. He quickly drove that thought far from my mind as his hand sought out my breast and began to caress it.

Gasping for air, I threw my head back. He trailed wet kisses down my throat, tracing the edge of my V-necked top. Desire had me riding higher on his thigh while he pulled my neckline further down. After he freed my full breast from my shirt, he lifted his head to meet my stare. Slowly he peeled back my bra all the while daring me to stop him with his eyes.

His thumb slid over my nipple a few times before he began pulling at it with his forefinger and thumb. Barely able to restrain myself I gasped again. He seemed to take this as a sign of encouragement because his tugs got harder. His pinching drove my hips to reaction - the harder he pinched, the more my hips would grind down on his thigh.

Chuckling he pushed his leg further between my thighs. My skirt had risen to the bottom of my ass. He took no time pulling it up over my hips with his free hand. The flimsy panties I had on were soaked. I knew I had to have him in me.

Frantically I pulled at his belt. "Damn him for wearing so much" I thought as I finally yanked his buttons apart.

His hot mouth soon covered my breast as he shoved me back further on the desk. Then his fingers were pulling at my panties, ripping them down my legs. He nibbled at my taut nipple and fumbled with his own jeans.

I felt his hand slide up my thigh as he licked his way back to my mouth. Softly he kissed my lips while his fingers explored my damp center. His tongue gently pressed it's way into my mouth as his fingers eased into me. This drove me to the brink of insanity. Soon his fingers were pumping in and out of me. His tongue darted in and out of my mouth, matching the rhythm of his fingers.

Wrapping my legs around his wait I pulled him closer to me. I couldn't take the aching between my legs any longer. I had to have him in me. Arching my back I pushed his head toward my breast.

Gripping my waist, he thrust himself deep within me. With every thrust into me he bit at my nipple and sucked on it as he withdrew. Waves of pleasure crashed over me as he drove inside harder and faster.

Just as I began to climax he looked up at me and said "I love. . . "


BEEEEEEP, BEEEEEEEP

A car was frantically blasting its horn outside my office window, startling me awake.

While I had slept it had gotten dark outside. Once again my wild thoughts got the better of me. Now I had to go home; whining kids, demanding husband, throbbing ache deep inside of me and absolutely no work to show for it.




*this is purely a fictional work - something that came to me while I worked late tonight*