Contemplating

Since I made that last entry in here, I can't seem to get it out of my mind. Being here at work, alone, makes it even worse. And in all fairness, it's not just that entry I can't get out of my mind. It's him. Yes I know I said that last entry was fictional and it was/is for the most part. Hmmm maybe that's why it's stuck with me so much- it has a base of reality to it.

The dream I had in that entry, well the entire entry, was an actual day dream I had had while I worked late that night. There is a guy, and we do talk a lot. He has/does threaten to "come visit" me when I'm not expecting it. So those things were also true. And every time he makes those threats I do get excited, scared and obsessed with the thoughts of him coming to see me.

And that dream, wow!!! It was about him By far, it's not the first one I've had either.

The guilt is starting to consume me though. I know I'm not "cheating" on him with this guy, at least not in the physical sense. There is a fine line though with the emotionality of it all and I am getting dangerously close to that line. He's told me he would leave me alone, all I had to do was tell him to go and he would be gone (yea, that line was a direct quote, shoot me) and I know I should tell him to go. I just can't. Well I can. . . . I don't want to. That's the scary part.

I want more, no not in the physical aspect - although hmmm some of my dreams would be. . . . no, nevermind. I want more of the . . . I'm not sure how to explain it. For one thing I want to know him better. What makes him tick? That sort of thing. I know he had kids - he does what's right by them too; I admire that. At the same time, I regret knowing it. Knowing he's like that just brings to mind all the ways he hasn't done right by our family, which makes me feel more guilty because of this that's happening between (hmm I need to give him a name to differentiate between the two of them, how about I call him Jack - it seems fitting since he appears to be a Jack-of-all-trades)

So where was I?

Oh I know Jack has kids and he does right by them. This just reminds me of how he hasn't done right by our family. Then I start to feel the guilt because of this thing between Jack and I is getting dangerous.

I feel too much for Jack. No, I'm not in love with him. But it could very easily turn that way. I want my marriage to work. More than anything I want it to work; I know I should tell Jack to go. There are just so many things broken in my marriage and I can't be the only one working on fixing them. He's 'sposed to be getting some counseling; he hasn't gone yet and it's been nearly a year. I don't think he sees how this prevents me from trusting him. He already lost my trust with all his lies. Reassuring me he would get into counseling and then not doing it - that's just one more lie. At least to me it is. I can't believe a word he says. Yes, I know I'm not the most innocent party here now that this thing is happening with Jack. But in my defense, I'm not cheating and I don't plan on it ever. Yes, I'm getting emotionally invested in Jack - but it's not serious yet. And as long as we keep it on the flirtatious side it won't get that way. I know I said I want more; who ever gets everything they want? If that was the case my marriage wouldn't be in shambles now. Besides (time to be immature here) I'm not the one that lied . (Yes, I sank that low) I'm not the one that continued to lie; risked my job, home and the well-being of my children for a cheap thrill. And no, I can't seem to just forgive and forget.

I should get into counseling. He's my husband. I should be able to forgive him. But knowing that he doesn't trust me (this is way before Jack came into the picture so shut it! Scroll down and read all the earlier entries if you want proof); he can't talk to me - when will it end? Especially if he's not getting the help he needs?

Growing up, my father cheated on my mother in every sense of the word. I could never ever do that to my marriage. I would just end the marriage if it ever came to that point. It's just; I was already contemplating ending the marriage before Jack and I started talking. Jack gives me a sense of hope. Not the hope that he and I could become something - I'm not that kinda girl; I have to figure one relationship out before I could jump into another one. Jack gives me hope that I am trustable, that I can have a relationship that's not full of lies. Jack reminds me of how happy I used to be before my marriage went to Hell in a handbag. That's probably the attraction? I know there is definitely an attraction there. And that has me scared. I don't want to feel like I have no choice but to end my marriage because of whatever this thing is with Jack and I.

*sigh* I just need a vacation from life.