interested

I've been told I'm too abrasive, sometimes I'm too judgemental. Like I said, Mom told me I would end up killing any man that ever tried to control me. . . . She probably wasn't too far off. I am to independent for my own good most of the time.

I need someone who will stand up to me when I'm being too aggressive. A man that will look at me and yell back "I messed up again so effing what! Are we REALLY gonna fight about which shelf I put the beans on? Show me where they go, I'll try to remember next time." Instead, what I have is someone that says "fine, ok" or "whatever" and leaves it at that.

I need someone to stand up to me, and to be the first one to stand behind me, supporting me. Someone that will push me when I get tired and yet hold me when I fall. Someone to embrace my success and nudge me to do better when I fail. I need someone to listen to my ramblings, help me sort it all out. Someone that will stand back and let me cause a rumble with the asshole that shoved his way past our kids; or to be there, prepared and able to intervene if I've bitten off more than I could chew.

I'm the kind of lady that will stubbornly yell down at the over sized, egotistical husband of my best friend because he's an abusive prick and she can't stand up for herself. (Yes, that is a true story *sigh*) I'm the kind of stubborn, proud lady that won't tolerate an egotistical sexist man or his lame ass ideas. And when I blow my temper over such a person; I need a man that's willing to watch me dig my own grave and yet block the path to it before I'm thrown in.

I don't know if any of this makes sense. I'm still struggling with it all myself. But I do know, what I have . . . it's not what I need. Right now, I have a man that is willing to let me rule the roost. He doesn't fight for what he wants or believes in (unless I'm just not either of those). . .

*sigh* In the beginning of the year, when I told him I wanted him to move out, I wanted a separation he simply said ok. OK??? Really? When I told him this really told me that he was fine with ending the marriage, he didn't have much to say about it. I asked him what else I should think, he didn't know. So I decided to work on it. I've tried to talk to him about our issues, he won't interact in the conversations. How many one-sided convo's can a person have?

When I told him I wasn't happy, he said I needed to get in counseling. Then I told him I had a crush on someone else, that it scared me I felt this way, and that I couldn't help but have a crush on someone that made me feel important/happy; he asked me who it was and left it at that.

I know that I'm not perfect in ANY way at all. I've made plenty of mistakes myself. But if the role was reversed, if he was telling me he wasn't happy and had a crush - I'd be scared. I'd be asking what I could do to make things better. I'd ask him to get in marriage counselling with me. I'd want him to tell me what was behind the attraction, how I could improve, what we could do to get our life back. I'd want to know how serious the crush was, how worried I should be, if there was any hope. I guess I'd talk to him is what I am saying.

I think one of the reasons I'm having such a hard time is a direct result of my father's relationship with me. He never did and never will care enough about me, as his daughter, to be interested in my life, in me. He was never there for me when I was a child. Every time I've had a problem and tried to talk to him about it, I got very little response from him. I finally gave up. I figured if I had to tell my own father that he should be kicking my ass for having had sex with a boy at 14 - well then my father just wasn't meant to be a Dad. That was the pivotal moment, when I knew I'd never be enough for him. My marriage is turning out that way.

I'm sure that my relationship with my father has helped shape my outlook on life. After all, if I meant enough to him, he wouldn't have let me cut him out of my life would he? That being the case, he is letting me (if not guiding me) in cutting him out of my life now.

*sigh*

This isn't sounding the way I want it to sound. I know I can't make my father be the kind of dad I want him to be. And I know a lot of who he is is a direct result of the way his father was while he was growing up. But then I think, my father had to have known the sting of not knowing his own dad - he had to have felt the pain from not "being enough" - if this was the case, why would he be that sort of father?

OMG I'm still not conveying this the way I want to. . .

He doesn't care enough to fight for us. If he did, would he really just say OK when I said I wanted a separation? If he did, would he really be so willing to let me walk away? And why doesn't he care enough?

That's still not exactly what I'm trying to say but it's close enough. It's been a long, LOOOOONG weekend. Despite wanting to converse with people I missed, I'm just going to head to bed. Maybe the beer will put me to sleep. I should take an ambien, hmmm maybe a few will do the trick. . .