How do I feel?? Oy vey. How do I explain; where do I begin? There's really no way to explain without feeling the tidal wave of shame and embarrassment wash over me; there's no way I can tell you. I'm going to try though. Well, I'll try to explain on here since the likelihood of you reading this, or anyone else that I may come face-to-face with, reading this isn't very high.
*sigh* How do I feel.....
Excitement courses through me when I read the words you send me. The pitiful part, we can be talking about your best friend or a favorite food you like to eat and it excites me just the same. There's no hope for me if I begin to fantasize about you. That's when I loose myself...
But on a regular day, when I'm thinking about you; my stomach tightens into a knot and that tell-tale tugging sensation begins to pull downward. Breathing becomes near impossible with my heart thudding so hard against my ribs, inhaling becomes a chore - I don't think my lungs will expand that far. I can feel the excitement as it tingles over my skin. Even my toes curl from the craziness that you cause me.
4/20/10
4/19/10
Inside my mind
hehe that was so fun.....dang I can't believe it's been over 36 hrs since I slept last, I'm so exhausted...
(These are my thoughts from this morning when I felt I was finally ready to sleep. I figured it'd be interesting to write down what happens in my head when I lay down. Granted these thoughts can be situational but the chaos is typical. Ok back to my thought process -)
i guess i should try to sleep....ugh working out isn't going to ....darn it why didn't i take my pill, i really should remember....oh we were talking about age difference that night, that's when he took my h....i wish my memories weren't so .....why can't i remember why i ended up on top of him, i wonder if i was tick....wait he never answered my question, grrrr....ok stop! breathe in...
(The breath slowly comes in as I fill my lungs steadily. I listen to my breathing and try to focus just on that.)
in.....out....in....out....in....ou....gosh his snoring is getting so loud....i wonder if he snores, i should ask him, although he's probably going to get sick of my questions real soon. who wouldn't get tired of ....clark hasn't gotten tired of my questions yet. i wonder how he's doing. i haven't heard from him in a while. hopefully i'll get to talk to him wednesday - i think that's he's next day off....oh miles is off weds too, i wonder what his days off are like, i probably won't hear from him much while he's off....ugh stop! breathe, just breathe.
in....out...in....out....in....ou....i wonder if miles is asleep yet? i should ask him about his insomnia. not that it matters. no what matters is you're not breathing (sigh).
in....out....in....out....in....out...i...i should have just kissed him! i should have. so what if (insert brother's name here) had come in and seen - i don't think he would have told. he was such an ass that night too, coming in every 30 fricken seconds. gosh i should call him and yell at him again for doing that hehe. stop obsessing, just breathe!
in....out....in....out....in....ou....i wonder if i'll have a lot of work today. i hope so, otherwise i'll pass out. yea right, like you're passing out now (sigh)...in....out.....in....ou...i liked sitting in his arms didn't i? i did. it felt safe. although i was so wound up wanting him to kiss me. dang it he should have kissed me!....this year is gonna take forever to pass by. i just want it to be december already....
(I started to doze off a little bit here and woke up again, not sure how long I was dozing for)
hmmm what should i wear? haha he's not going to be happy i'm gonna go meet up with him. oh well, i've known him longer. besides if he was so unhap....he has had chances to fix things....(sigh) i want a divorce, i'm sure i do. i just don't want to put the kids through that. and what if he does wanna fix things? no, you've given him ample time to do what needs being done. you've even tried to do it yourself. how long are you going to stay unhappy? when do you get to be happy? but a marriage is supposed to be forever....forever....anyway....i bet clark doesn't have sleeping problems, lucky....(sigh)....where should we meet? i should probably bring (insert bff's name here) with me haha. just her being there will make me behave. oh but what if he has his buddies over? i don't know any of them. hmm
(I began imagining what it'd be like to go meet up with Miles again this Dec. At some point I finally fell asleep.)
(These are my thoughts from this morning when I felt I was finally ready to sleep. I figured it'd be interesting to write down what happens in my head when I lay down. Granted these thoughts can be situational but the chaos is typical. Ok back to my thought process -)
i guess i should try to sleep....ugh working out isn't going to ....darn it why didn't i take my pill, i really should remember....oh we were talking about age difference that night, that's when he took my h....i wish my memories weren't so .....why can't i remember why i ended up on top of him, i wonder if i was tick....wait he never answered my question, grrrr....ok stop! breathe in...
(The breath slowly comes in as I fill my lungs steadily. I listen to my breathing and try to focus just on that.)
in.....out....in....out....in....ou....gosh his snoring is getting so loud....i wonder if he snores, i should ask him, although he's probably going to get sick of my questions real soon. who wouldn't get tired of ....clark hasn't gotten tired of my questions yet. i wonder how he's doing. i haven't heard from him in a while. hopefully i'll get to talk to him wednesday - i think that's he's next day off....oh miles is off weds too, i wonder what his days off are like, i probably won't hear from him much while he's off....ugh stop! breathe, just breathe.
in....out...in....out....in....ou....i wonder if miles is asleep yet? i should ask him about his insomnia. not that it matters. no what matters is you're not breathing (sigh).
in....out....in....out....in....out...i...i should have just kissed him! i should have. so what if (insert brother's name here) had come in and seen - i don't think he would have told. he was such an ass that night too, coming in every 30 fricken seconds. gosh i should call him and yell at him again for doing that hehe. stop obsessing, just breathe!
in....out....in....out....in....ou....i wonder if i'll have a lot of work today. i hope so, otherwise i'll pass out. yea right, like you're passing out now (sigh)...in....out.....in....ou...i liked sitting in his arms didn't i? i did. it felt safe. although i was so wound up wanting him to kiss me. dang it he should have kissed me!....this year is gonna take forever to pass by. i just want it to be december already....
(I started to doze off a little bit here and woke up again, not sure how long I was dozing for)
hmmm what should i wear? haha he's not going to be happy i'm gonna go meet up with him. oh well, i've known him longer. besides if he was so unhap....he has had chances to fix things....(sigh) i want a divorce, i'm sure i do. i just don't want to put the kids through that. and what if he does wanna fix things? no, you've given him ample time to do what needs being done. you've even tried to do it yourself. how long are you going to stay unhappy? when do you get to be happy? but a marriage is supposed to be forever....forever....anyway....i bet clark doesn't have sleeping problems, lucky....(sigh)....where should we meet? i should probably bring (insert bff's name here) with me haha. just her being there will make me behave. oh but what if he has his buddies over? i don't know any of them. hmm
(I began imagining what it'd be like to go meet up with Miles again this Dec. At some point I finally fell asleep.)
4/18/10
Confession
It was the night before second grade started; I was 7 years old and my father called a "family meeting". Curious I perched next to my siblings on the big coffee table about 2 feet across from him on the couch. I don't recall where Mom was in the room anymore. He was visibly upset which scared me, I'd never seen him so upset before in fact I don't think I'd ever seen him cry before that night.
"Your mom and I have been talking," he started to explain. "Things are going to change just a little bit. I'm going to go stay with (insert random friends name here when what he really meant was his newest girlfriend in a string of 13 yrs worth of girlfriends) because your mom and I need to sort some stuff out." Mom gasped while he was explaining this to us.
I'm certain my brother had asked if he could go with our father because he continued to explain "You guys are going to live with your mom here and I'll come visit as much as I can. But for right now, while I'm figuring things out, I need to stay with so-and-so."
Confused and hurt I started to cry when I asked him "Why do you have to leave us Daddy?"
"It's hard to explain honey" was his lame answer.
"But don't you love us anymore? We'll be good so you and Mommy don't have to fight anymore" I promised.
"Oh honey, it has nothing to do with something you kids did. It's not even something your mom did. It's me baby girl. I love you guys, and I even love your mom. I think I'm just falling out-of-love with her" was his excuse for leaving us.
That was the first time I recall ever hearing that term "falling out-of-love". I was terrified if he could fall out of love with my mom then surely he fell out of love with us since we were a big cause of their many fights. In my 7 yr old mind we were the main reason they fought; he wasn't ever around enough (according to Mom), he was too gruff with us, he didn't know what was going on with our schools, he didn't participate in the family etc. So surely, if he fell out of love because they were always fighting he must have stopped loving us since we caused the fights I reasoned. *Years later I discovered he left because he'd fallen in love with the woman he'd had an affair with, I'd also discovered my mom had no clue he was going to tell us that as he hadn't even told her yet.*
That was also the first night I can recall laying in bed awake all night, waiting and begging for sleep to take me from the reality - my family would never be the same again. It was the first night I began to detest my father. It was the first time I questioned his ability to love me and be a Dad. I hated the saying "fell out of love" and I knew as much as I could in my 7 yr old mind that that was a lie - how could he fall out of love with Mom after all? They'd been together all my life, mommies and daddies were supposed to love each other forever.
It's funny that I can still remember that night as clearly as I do when I have a hard time just trying to remember last week.
Now, I'm beginning to question my dark feelings towards my father. I'm beginning to feel like a hypocrite and I fear I'm destined to repeat the cycle, complete the circle, follow in his footsteps....
Thirteen years ago next month I vowed to love him until death did we part; I vowed to honor and cherish him forever, to be faithful and honest with him. I don't think I can do that anymore. I've sworn I could never cheat but I suppose in all honesty I already have. Not in a physical sense, no I've cheated emotionally. Now I wonder how my father began all of his affairs. Were they a heat of the moment thing or did he have an emotional investment? It really doesn't matter in the end, I'm just curious by nature I suppose.
Emotional cheater....
I didn't start off with this intent. I've fought tooth and nail, tried until I was physically exhausted and emotionally worn out. I never wanted to follow in my father's footsteps. I didn't even realize it was happening until it was too late. What's worse it's happened more than once....
I'm sure it's apparent but I'll get into the nitty gritty.
The first time I felt an emotional tug towards another man was with Jack. I still think about him, but we haven't spoken in months which is probably a good thing anyway. Most of the attraction to him was based on the simple fact that he was going through similar things in his relationship as I was. We connected through our frustrations I suppose.
Hot on his heels, Clark finally became brave enough to talk to me. Things were fun and flirty between us at first. But soon he started asking me personal questions and I began opening up to him. He wasn't connecting with me, he wouldn't talk to me about the important things and hadn't been talking to me for a few years by then. I felt like the need to have that connection with someone was suffocating me. Clark gave me that. I feel guilty about our relationship, I know it's wrong; I'm too attached to him and we're both married. I doubt Clark feels half the way I do and that's fine with me. I know I shouldn't feel the way I do about Clark.
Sadly, there's also Miles. The last few times I saw Miles he endeared himself to my heart. At that party; he stuck up for me, he wanted me there, he wanted to share his party with me. He was hero-ish to me. And a few years later when I saw him that last time, not only was I infatuated with him but he talked to me like I was his equal. Clearly I didn't feel equal to him. He made me feel special.
Unfortunately, I wasn't very confident at that time of my life. My breasts were already well beyond a triple-D bra size which brought a lot of extra male attention my way. I'd given everything I had to give to a boy, A (he doesn't deserve a name, not even if it's a faux name). I gave my heart, body, everything I could offer at that age to A just to have him quite literally rip it apart the very next morning. Now don't get me wrong, I didn't just hand myself over to A on a whim. No. A and I had had a relationship for quite some time. I'd thought I'd fallen in love with A, I thought I knew him and could trust him.
After A had tossed me away like yesterday's old newspaper I didn't trust anyone after that, quite justifiably I felt like a piece of garbage. I'd been used and discarded in the most physical way possible. When Miles came by almost a year later, I still felt like that piece of garbage. I didn't feel worthy enough for Miles' attention let alone his affection. That doesn't mean I didn't want it. Boy I wanted him to kiss me, I wanted him to want me the way I wanted him. But I didn't think it was possible.
Miles had to rush out before we had a chance. Time passed. He and I began to date, I was still recovering from A, he was recovering from his ex; we were best friends. Eventually I (thought) I fell in love with him. (Now I question if I was in love or just loved him. Looking back I wonder if I rushed into the marriage. I desperately wanted to start my family. He loved me and I felt safe with him. He was my best friend! I didn't think I'd find someone else that would want to marry me, in fact I couldn't believe he wanted to marry me.) So when he proposed I accepted and here I am 13 yrs after saying "I do".
Miles has come back into my life. Somehow I still question his motives though... Lord knows he should be the one questioning mine. I still question if I'm really "good" enough for him. I don't know why. Although he's definitely had cause to be untrusting of people. I don't know what this all has to do with it. Short version, in a very short time he's made all those emotions I felt as a teenager resurface. Still jaded, especially after A and now that things between him and I have gone so horribly wrong; I'm just trying to get to know Miles again. Not because I want to have the same emotions I had as a teen; I want to know him again, I don't want to loose contact with him again. I'm trying to figure him out. Oh but he can be frustrating....
Before I go any further; Clark, I'm sorry. I say that because Clark's told me I'm like a puzzle to him. Just when he thinks he's figured me out I change things up with something he didn't expect. I thought it was cute and funny, until that is Miles came back into my life. Miles does to me what I do to Clark in that respect. It's not cute. It's not funny. It's very frustrating.
All of that being said, let me see if I can get back on topic. Hmmm....
Oh yea, so I've become emotionally attached to Clark and Jack. So much so that I feel as though I'm emotionally cheating with Clark and Jack. What happened to me? Where did I go wrong in this marriage of mine? I guess it was wrong from the get go. But now what do I do? How do I fix this without putting my children through the same turmoil I went through?
Well I've been awake for over 36 hrs now. All of this sounded much better in my mind this morning while I took a hot shower, by now it's a jumbled mess. It's incoherent to me. I'll try to clarify it all after I finally get some sleep.
"Your mom and I have been talking," he started to explain. "Things are going to change just a little bit. I'm going to go stay with (insert random friends name here when what he really meant was his newest girlfriend in a string of 13 yrs worth of girlfriends) because your mom and I need to sort some stuff out." Mom gasped while he was explaining this to us.
I'm certain my brother had asked if he could go with our father because he continued to explain "You guys are going to live with your mom here and I'll come visit as much as I can. But for right now, while I'm figuring things out, I need to stay with so-and-so."
Confused and hurt I started to cry when I asked him "Why do you have to leave us Daddy?"
"It's hard to explain honey" was his lame answer.
"But don't you love us anymore? We'll be good so you and Mommy don't have to fight anymore" I promised.
"Oh honey, it has nothing to do with something you kids did. It's not even something your mom did. It's me baby girl. I love you guys, and I even love your mom. I think I'm just falling out-of-love with her" was his excuse for leaving us.
That was the first time I recall ever hearing that term "falling out-of-love". I was terrified if he could fall out of love with my mom then surely he fell out of love with us since we were a big cause of their many fights. In my 7 yr old mind we were the main reason they fought; he wasn't ever around enough (according to Mom), he was too gruff with us, he didn't know what was going on with our schools, he didn't participate in the family etc. So surely, if he fell out of love because they were always fighting he must have stopped loving us since we caused the fights I reasoned. *Years later I discovered he left because he'd fallen in love with the woman he'd had an affair with, I'd also discovered my mom had no clue he was going to tell us that as he hadn't even told her yet.*
That was also the first night I can recall laying in bed awake all night, waiting and begging for sleep to take me from the reality - my family would never be the same again. It was the first night I began to detest my father. It was the first time I questioned his ability to love me and be a Dad. I hated the saying "fell out of love" and I knew as much as I could in my 7 yr old mind that that was a lie - how could he fall out of love with Mom after all? They'd been together all my life, mommies and daddies were supposed to love each other forever.
It's funny that I can still remember that night as clearly as I do when I have a hard time just trying to remember last week.
Now, I'm beginning to question my dark feelings towards my father. I'm beginning to feel like a hypocrite and I fear I'm destined to repeat the cycle, complete the circle, follow in his footsteps....
Thirteen years ago next month I vowed to love him until death did we part; I vowed to honor and cherish him forever, to be faithful and honest with him. I don't think I can do that anymore. I've sworn I could never cheat but I suppose in all honesty I already have. Not in a physical sense, no I've cheated emotionally. Now I wonder how my father began all of his affairs. Were they a heat of the moment thing or did he have an emotional investment? It really doesn't matter in the end, I'm just curious by nature I suppose.
Emotional cheater....
I didn't start off with this intent. I've fought tooth and nail, tried until I was physically exhausted and emotionally worn out. I never wanted to follow in my father's footsteps. I didn't even realize it was happening until it was too late. What's worse it's happened more than once....
I'm sure it's apparent but I'll get into the nitty gritty.
The first time I felt an emotional tug towards another man was with Jack. I still think about him, but we haven't spoken in months which is probably a good thing anyway. Most of the attraction to him was based on the simple fact that he was going through similar things in his relationship as I was. We connected through our frustrations I suppose.
Hot on his heels, Clark finally became brave enough to talk to me. Things were fun and flirty between us at first. But soon he started asking me personal questions and I began opening up to him. He wasn't connecting with me, he wouldn't talk to me about the important things and hadn't been talking to me for a few years by then. I felt like the need to have that connection with someone was suffocating me. Clark gave me that. I feel guilty about our relationship, I know it's wrong; I'm too attached to him and we're both married. I doubt Clark feels half the way I do and that's fine with me. I know I shouldn't feel the way I do about Clark.
Sadly, there's also Miles. The last few times I saw Miles he endeared himself to my heart. At that party; he stuck up for me, he wanted me there, he wanted to share his party with me. He was hero-ish to me. And a few years later when I saw him that last time, not only was I infatuated with him but he talked to me like I was his equal. Clearly I didn't feel equal to him. He made me feel special.
Unfortunately, I wasn't very confident at that time of my life. My breasts were already well beyond a triple-D bra size which brought a lot of extra male attention my way. I'd given everything I had to give to a boy, A (he doesn't deserve a name, not even if it's a faux name). I gave my heart, body, everything I could offer at that age to A just to have him quite literally rip it apart the very next morning. Now don't get me wrong, I didn't just hand myself over to A on a whim. No. A and I had had a relationship for quite some time. I'd thought I'd fallen in love with A, I thought I knew him and could trust him.
After A had tossed me away like yesterday's old newspaper I didn't trust anyone after that, quite justifiably I felt like a piece of garbage. I'd been used and discarded in the most physical way possible. When Miles came by almost a year later, I still felt like that piece of garbage. I didn't feel worthy enough for Miles' attention let alone his affection. That doesn't mean I didn't want it. Boy I wanted him to kiss me, I wanted him to want me the way I wanted him. But I didn't think it was possible.
Miles had to rush out before we had a chance. Time passed. He and I began to date, I was still recovering from A, he was recovering from his ex; we were best friends. Eventually I (thought) I fell in love with him. (Now I question if I was in love or just loved him. Looking back I wonder if I rushed into the marriage. I desperately wanted to start my family. He loved me and I felt safe with him. He was my best friend! I didn't think I'd find someone else that would want to marry me, in fact I couldn't believe he wanted to marry me.) So when he proposed I accepted and here I am 13 yrs after saying "I do".
Miles has come back into my life. Somehow I still question his motives though... Lord knows he should be the one questioning mine. I still question if I'm really "good" enough for him. I don't know why. Although he's definitely had cause to be untrusting of people. I don't know what this all has to do with it. Short version, in a very short time he's made all those emotions I felt as a teenager resurface. Still jaded, especially after A and now that things between him and I have gone so horribly wrong; I'm just trying to get to know Miles again. Not because I want to have the same emotions I had as a teen; I want to know him again, I don't want to loose contact with him again. I'm trying to figure him out. Oh but he can be frustrating....
Before I go any further; Clark, I'm sorry. I say that because Clark's told me I'm like a puzzle to him. Just when he thinks he's figured me out I change things up with something he didn't expect. I thought it was cute and funny, until that is Miles came back into my life. Miles does to me what I do to Clark in that respect. It's not cute. It's not funny. It's very frustrating.
All of that being said, let me see if I can get back on topic. Hmmm....
Oh yea, so I've become emotionally attached to Clark and Jack. So much so that I feel as though I'm emotionally cheating with Clark and Jack. What happened to me? Where did I go wrong in this marriage of mine? I guess it was wrong from the get go. But now what do I do? How do I fix this without putting my children through the same turmoil I went through?
Well I've been awake for over 36 hrs now. All of this sounded much better in my mind this morning while I took a hot shower, by now it's a jumbled mess. It's incoherent to me. I'll try to clarify it all after I finally get some sleep.
4/17/10
Revelation
I was thinking about things between him and I earlier this week; I figured out a big part of the wedge between us. As petty and childish it is, I just can't get "over" or past that last lie of his. At least not until he finally tells me why he did it - honestly tells me that is. See and that just puts a kink in things too; nothing he says seems like the truth to me anymore so if he does finally confess as to why he did it, how am I supposed to know if he's being honest with me about it or not.
I feel like there's constantly this lie between us. It eats at me everyday. I hate it. And I've really tried to get past it, to forgive and forget
I feel like there's constantly this lie between us. It eats at me everyday. I hate it. And I've really tried to get past it, to forgive and forget
4/16/10
It fits him so well....
Alrighty, I finally figured out what to call the guy I share a birthday with. (Yes I know I could just call him by his real name but I don't like to use real names on here.) I was stuck for a while - none of the names I thought of, or he suggested, seemed to fit. While sitting at my desk today, bored out of my mind, I decided to fish around on the name-finder websites. I was looking for a name that meant or conveyed a mysteriousness (not sure if that's a real word but it works for me) because he's very protective about what he shares with me - not sure how he is with his friends as we haven't been in contact in ohhh almost 20 years now. *Wow now I feel old* Since I do know some of his background; I can understand completely why he doesn't rush to open up with just anybody. And it's not like we were the best of friends back when we did know each other. We had maybe a handful of encounters throughout my childhood/teen years. He shared a lot about himself with me, I only wish now that I would have thought enough about myself to know he was sharing those things for more reasons then just "getting to know each other". Alas I was young and had next to no self-esteem. I figured he was talking to me knowing I wouldn't tell anyone and he didn't have anyone else to talk to. Almost as though he had to get it off his chest at that moment and knew he wouldn't see me again so I was a safe listener.
I mean we talk now - we talk a lot. I wish we'd never lost contact with each other. But I've noticed when things start to get a little too personal for him he'll play the flirt card. It's almost like looking in a mirror lol. Seriously though. I know I do this myself, and I'm worse in person. I can open up more with people I've never seen (i.e. on the internet) then I can irl. Flirting is my way around subjects I don't want to discuss. It's a natural "defense" of mine. When I feel myself getting too involved, emotional, attached whatever the case may be; I just flirt my way out of it. Granted, I'm not nearly as blunt as he is. And I never realized how frustrating it can be until we started talking again. I try not to pry into his life too much. Regardless, I've lost sight of my original topic....
Where was I?
Oh yea... So I didn't find any names that meant mysterious. Soon though I saw Alexander which means protector of mankind. That somewhat worked. He's pretty "protective" of his friends and such. I almost went with it; something made me keep looking at the web page though. About 1/2 way through the list I found the perfect name for him!
Miles. Yes, I said Miles. Lol I know it's a little unusual but it works for me. It's a Greek name that means soldier, among a few other meanings. Soldier... This fits him. The most obvious reason of course being the fact that he was active duty the last time we saw each other. Then there's the name itself, Miles. There has always been miles between us both literally and figuratively. (sigh) So that's that. My long lost friend's, for the purpose of this blog, his name is Miles.
4/13/10
Disappointment
About 20 minutes prior to my alarm clock waking me to start my 3rd day prior to surgery, my phone rang and woke me. Not recognizing the number, I sluggishly answered it with a mumbled "Hello?" It happened to be the gal from the Dr.'s office which woke me up instantly. She explained that she still hadn't heard from the insurance company (IC) and was going to reschedule my pre-op for tomorrow, silly lady my appointment was already scheduled for tomorrow. So she told me she'd call the IC and get back to me to let me know what the word was - remember I mentioned the IC could still deny me. I was prepared for a denial.
About 15 minutes later the Dr.'s office called me back to let me know that while the IC was going to approve me the Dr.'s office itself wasn't contracted with the IC so they couldn't approve my surgery. *GASP* I was shocked! How could they have put me through nearly 3 months of wait and see, schedule my surgery just to turn around and tell me they weren't contracted. Why in the world didn't they think of mentioning this when I first asked them about insurance?
Needless to say I've been a mess all day. To be denied for something out of my control, for something I can't fix or try to fix; I don't even know where to begin to explain the turmoil this caused. I've spent the morning and afternoon crying, making phone call after phone call, researching doctor after doctor. It seemed to be getting me no where fast. Finally about an hour ago I found 2 different doctors that accept my insurance; the big problem is most plastic surgeons don't even bother with IC's since the majority of plastic surgery is considered cosmetic which most IC's won't cover. However, I successfully found 2 new Dr.'s that will charge the IC and ARE contracted with my IC in particular. (Yes, I physically called the different Dr.'s offices and asked them specifically if they accepted insurance and if they were contracted with mine in more particularly.) I was informed that my IC was one they accepted and all I had to do was have my regular physician send a referral down. I then called my regular physician's office and left a message for her assistant.
After about 2 hours I started to become impatient and called my physician's office again this time asking to speak to him directly. He's so sweet let me add right now. I explained to him what was going on, that I had personally called offices and had found the 2 Dr.'s that would take my insurance. We agreed to go with the closest office so he assured me he would call them, fax my referral and call me back with an appointment time/day within the hour. We'd just barely hung up, I was explaining the situation to him when the phone rang. The Dr.'s assistant was returning my call to let me know that while the first office does contract with my IC, as of yesterday they stopped accepting new patients. My heart broke again; why didn't they tell me this when I had called this morning to see if they accepted my insurance grrr. Nonetheless I gave the assistant the number to the other office I had located - this one is about 100 miles from my town which is why I picked him last. The assistant and I hung up, I explained the situation to him then sat and cried, contemplating whether I should call the first office to beg them to accept my case since I missed the cut off by 1 day. My anger at the initial plastic surgeon's office resurfaced once again.
Thankfully my Dr.'s assistant called me back before I finished building my resolve to call that other office to beg them to accept me. I almost didn't answer because I didn't think I could handle the let down once again. (Keep in mind, I've been trying to get this surgery done for over 13 yrs.) Bless the assistant's heart! He happily informed me that the office is accepting new cases, he'd already faxed my referral up to them AND he had the appointment time/day already made for me.
I'm not looking forward to starting the process all over again and I REALLY REALLY hope and pray it won't take another nearly 3 months to find out if I'm approved or denied. But I'm slowly getting beyond the hurt and disappointment. I know Friday is going to be a painful day, I was so looking forward to having surgery on Friday. As it is every time I think about it all I start to get teary eyed all over again. Yes, I'm a big baby and emotional - I never thought I would get so emotional over something like this but after 13 yrs of waiting, fighting and physically hurting the end was so close then it was yanked away; I have to start all over again.
My appointment is the 29th of this month. Hopefully I'll know more about another surgery date soon.
About 15 minutes later the Dr.'s office called me back to let me know that while the IC was going to approve me the Dr.'s office itself wasn't contracted with the IC so they couldn't approve my surgery. *GASP* I was shocked! How could they have put me through nearly 3 months of wait and see, schedule my surgery just to turn around and tell me they weren't contracted. Why in the world didn't they think of mentioning this when I first asked them about insurance?
Needless to say I've been a mess all day. To be denied for something out of my control, for something I can't fix or try to fix; I don't even know where to begin to explain the turmoil this caused. I've spent the morning and afternoon crying, making phone call after phone call, researching doctor after doctor. It seemed to be getting me no where fast. Finally about an hour ago I found 2 different doctors that accept my insurance; the big problem is most plastic surgeons don't even bother with IC's since the majority of plastic surgery is considered cosmetic which most IC's won't cover. However, I successfully found 2 new Dr.'s that will charge the IC and ARE contracted with my IC in particular. (Yes, I physically called the different Dr.'s offices and asked them specifically if they accepted insurance and if they were contracted with mine in more particularly.) I was informed that my IC was one they accepted and all I had to do was have my regular physician send a referral down. I then called my regular physician's office and left a message for her assistant.
After about 2 hours I started to become impatient and called my physician's office again this time asking to speak to him directly. He's so sweet let me add right now. I explained to him what was going on, that I had personally called offices and had found the 2 Dr.'s that would take my insurance. We agreed to go with the closest office so he assured me he would call them, fax my referral and call me back with an appointment time/day within the hour. We'd just barely hung up, I was explaining the situation to him when the phone rang. The Dr.'s assistant was returning my call to let me know that while the first office does contract with my IC, as of yesterday they stopped accepting new patients. My heart broke again; why didn't they tell me this when I had called this morning to see if they accepted my insurance grrr. Nonetheless I gave the assistant the number to the other office I had located - this one is about 100 miles from my town which is why I picked him last. The assistant and I hung up, I explained the situation to him then sat and cried, contemplating whether I should call the first office to beg them to accept my case since I missed the cut off by 1 day. My anger at the initial plastic surgeon's office resurfaced once again.
Thankfully my Dr.'s assistant called me back before I finished building my resolve to call that other office to beg them to accept me. I almost didn't answer because I didn't think I could handle the let down once again. (Keep in mind, I've been trying to get this surgery done for over 13 yrs.) Bless the assistant's heart! He happily informed me that the office is accepting new cases, he'd already faxed my referral up to them AND he had the appointment time/day already made for me.
I'm not looking forward to starting the process all over again and I REALLY REALLY hope and pray it won't take another nearly 3 months to find out if I'm approved or denied. But I'm slowly getting beyond the hurt and disappointment. I know Friday is going to be a painful day, I was so looking forward to having surgery on Friday. As it is every time I think about it all I start to get teary eyed all over again. Yes, I'm a big baby and emotional - I never thought I would get so emotional over something like this but after 13 yrs of waiting, fighting and physically hurting the end was so close then it was yanked away; I have to start all over again.
My appointment is the 29th of this month. Hopefully I'll know more about another surgery date soon.
4/10/10
Hmm
I saw this today and it just; it fits:
"You should have had the courage to tell me the truth and face the consequences than lie to me and make me doubt you forever."
He never learned that lesson. He wonders why I still doubt him, how can I not doubt him? There has been too many lies, lies on top of lies. lies about not lying to me again. I don't know if I'll ever stop doubting everything he says. Lord knows I've tried to believe in him. But at what point will the lies stop? And really, the lies are so lame. Why lie to me about playing a video game?
*sigh* oh well enough about that. I got some really good news the other day, wanted to post about it then but I was kinda holding out until I could chat with a couple people about it first. And I was able to talk to everyone about it except one person. He's just not available at the moment so I'll have to tell him next time I talk to him, hope it's soon as I miss him.
Anyway, I heard back from the Dr.'s office and they scheduled me for the surgery I've been needing for some time now. They were trying to get authorization from the insurance company but the company wouldn't approve/deny without a surgery date. The Dr. only comes to town once a month as he works out of a bigger city so I had the option to have the surgery either this Friday or next month. Of course I said this month! Insurance still has the option to deny the surgery but I'm really hoping since they had the Dr. schedule the surgery that that means they will approve it. I am assuming I have until Thursday night before I know for certain if I'm getting it or not. Well I'll be getting the surgery regardless, it's just a matter of whether or not I have to appeal the decision and when I get it done.
I've been wanting this surgery for over 13 yrs now and it's really exciting that I'm so close. But now I'm starting to become a little scared. What if the end results aren't what I'm expecting? What if I end up looking mangled? (Yes I know that's a selfish and vain fear but seriously... Fine I'll spill the beans. I'm trying to get a breast reduction. Before anyone starts claiming that's not needed or anything like that, consider for a moment that I've been in physical pain for 20 yrs now; I get migraines from the pain that will last up to 4 days, totally debilitating me; really they're a curse not a blessing so please don't go there.) I'm told I'll loose nipple sensation - doesn't seem like a big loss in light of the fact that I'll be without all the pain, migraines and such, I'll have an easier time getting clothes that fit me properly etc. But to be quite honest, my nipples are a very sensual spot for me and I'm not looking forward to loosing sensation. Blah I wish I could have my cake and eat it too so to speak.
"You should have had the courage to tell me the truth and face the consequences than lie to me and make me doubt you forever."
He never learned that lesson. He wonders why I still doubt him, how can I not doubt him? There has been too many lies, lies on top of lies. lies about not lying to me again. I don't know if I'll ever stop doubting everything he says. Lord knows I've tried to believe in him. But at what point will the lies stop? And really, the lies are so lame. Why lie to me about playing a video game?
*sigh* oh well enough about that. I got some really good news the other day, wanted to post about it then but I was kinda holding out until I could chat with a couple people about it first. And I was able to talk to everyone about it except one person. He's just not available at the moment so I'll have to tell him next time I talk to him, hope it's soon as I miss him.
Anyway, I heard back from the Dr.'s office and they scheduled me for the surgery I've been needing for some time now. They were trying to get authorization from the insurance company but the company wouldn't approve/deny without a surgery date. The Dr. only comes to town once a month as he works out of a bigger city so I had the option to have the surgery either this Friday or next month. Of course I said this month! Insurance still has the option to deny the surgery but I'm really hoping since they had the Dr. schedule the surgery that that means they will approve it. I am assuming I have until Thursday night before I know for certain if I'm getting it or not. Well I'll be getting the surgery regardless, it's just a matter of whether or not I have to appeal the decision and when I get it done.
I've been wanting this surgery for over 13 yrs now and it's really exciting that I'm so close. But now I'm starting to become a little scared. What if the end results aren't what I'm expecting? What if I end up looking mangled? (Yes I know that's a selfish and vain fear but seriously... Fine I'll spill the beans. I'm trying to get a breast reduction. Before anyone starts claiming that's not needed or anything like that, consider for a moment that I've been in physical pain for 20 yrs now; I get migraines from the pain that will last up to 4 days, totally debilitating me; really they're a curse not a blessing so please don't go there.) I'm told I'll loose nipple sensation - doesn't seem like a big loss in light of the fact that I'll be without all the pain, migraines and such, I'll have an easier time getting clothes that fit me properly etc. But to be quite honest, my nipples are a very sensual spot for me and I'm not looking forward to loosing sensation. Blah I wish I could have my cake and eat it too so to speak.
Random Questions
So I've always had this curiosity about me, I love to ask questions and discover new things about people. I've got a ton of questions to ask many of my readers so I'm just going to throw some of the questions out here. If you feel compelled to answer please do. You can either do it as a post on here or if you communicate with me in a different way feel free to do it that way. And I'll answer a few of these myself. =) Of course I'll pick which I want to answer but if you want to know the answer to a question I pose and didn't answer just ask.
Questions:
1. Name two things you consider yourself to be very good at.
2. Name two things you consider yourself to be very bad at.
3. Name one thing not many people know about you.
4. When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?
5. What is your favorite childhood injury?
6. What is your worst dating experience?
7. Who is the most important person in your life?
8. If your house was on fire and you could only grab 3 things (assuming family and pets are already out) before leaving, what would they be?
9. What is the craziest thing you've ever done?
10. If you could have any superpower, what would it be?
11. Name one thing you miss as a child.
12. In life, who has had the most influence on you?
13. Do you have any phobias? What are they?
14. What is the most embarrassing thing to ever happen to you?
15. What goal do you most want to achieve in your lifetime?
16. What extremely difficult life situation have you overcome and how did you do it?
17. Apart from the obvious ones, which of your body parts is most sensitive and responsive?
18. What is the worst sin you have committed?
19. What do you usually think about right before falling asleep?
20. Where is your favorite vacation spot?
My Answers: (I'm not answering them all, the answers will match the question # though)
1. Writing - I believe I'm a good writer, especially when it comes to my creative writing - and photography.
2. Revealing my emotions/thoughts to those closest to me (been burned one too many times so I'm a bit guarded now, it's easier to open up to people I don't see) and going to the doctors - I hate going.
5. My favorite childhood injury was probably when I broke my ankle because it was the first time I could say "See I told you so" to my mom. =) Yea, I'm that childish =p
7. My children are the most important people in my life, plain and simple.
8. My laptop - all my pictures are on it, hairbrush - I don't do tangled hair, and my wallet - my bank card and id are in there.
10. My superpower would be to snap my finger and have the laundry done =p Fine, I guess that doesn't count. Super speed.
11. I miss that first kiss feeling to be honest. Not so much the feeling of the kiss but the anticipation of it. Hmm but the question was as a child.....not having to worry about all the complications life offers us adults.
12. My mom has had the most influence on me. Generic I know, but it's true.
13. I am claustrophobic.
16. My little brother's death. I'm not sure if I "overcame" it per se. But I pulled through the depression that took hold of me. As far as how I did it; I wrote a lot and finally decided to focus on his life rather than his death. I don't want to remember him for dying so I don't think about it I guess.
17. My neck for sure. Simply drawing a fingertip lightly on my neck can do wonders.
19. Oh man I think about anything and everything before I fall asleep. That's why I had to get on the Ambien, I can't shut my brain off.
Questions:
1. Name two things you consider yourself to be very good at.
2. Name two things you consider yourself to be very bad at.
3. Name one thing not many people know about you.
4. When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?
5. What is your favorite childhood injury?
6. What is your worst dating experience?
7. Who is the most important person in your life?
8. If your house was on fire and you could only grab 3 things (assuming family and pets are already out) before leaving, what would they be?
9. What is the craziest thing you've ever done?
10. If you could have any superpower, what would it be?
11. Name one thing you miss as a child.
12. In life, who has had the most influence on you?
13. Do you have any phobias? What are they?
14. What is the most embarrassing thing to ever happen to you?
15. What goal do you most want to achieve in your lifetime?
16. What extremely difficult life situation have you overcome and how did you do it?
17. Apart from the obvious ones, which of your body parts is most sensitive and responsive?
18. What is the worst sin you have committed?
19. What do you usually think about right before falling asleep?
20. Where is your favorite vacation spot?
My Answers: (I'm not answering them all, the answers will match the question # though)
1. Writing - I believe I'm a good writer, especially when it comes to my creative writing - and photography.
2. Revealing my emotions/thoughts to those closest to me (been burned one too many times so I'm a bit guarded now, it's easier to open up to people I don't see) and going to the doctors - I hate going.
5. My favorite childhood injury was probably when I broke my ankle because it was the first time I could say "See I told you so" to my mom. =) Yea, I'm that childish =p
7. My children are the most important people in my life, plain and simple.
8. My laptop - all my pictures are on it, hairbrush - I don't do tangled hair, and my wallet - my bank card and id are in there.
10. My superpower would be to snap my finger and have the laundry done =p Fine, I guess that doesn't count. Super speed.
11. I miss that first kiss feeling to be honest. Not so much the feeling of the kiss but the anticipation of it. Hmm but the question was as a child.....not having to worry about all the complications life offers us adults.
12. My mom has had the most influence on me. Generic I know, but it's true.
13. I am claustrophobic.
16. My little brother's death. I'm not sure if I "overcame" it per se. But I pulled through the depression that took hold of me. As far as how I did it; I wrote a lot and finally decided to focus on his life rather than his death. I don't want to remember him for dying so I don't think about it I guess.
17. My neck for sure. Simply drawing a fingertip lightly on my neck can do wonders.
19. Oh man I think about anything and everything before I fall asleep. That's why I had to get on the Ambien, I can't shut my brain off.
Blast from my past
Wow so I ran into a few people from my past - people I'd lost touch with decades ago. It's always fun meeting up with people from my past. And tonight was no exception, it was very fun. Hmm almost too fun.
There's this guy, yea I need to name him I just can't think of one at the moment so I'll tell my story and name him later. Ok there's this guy I knew as an adolescent into my teenage years. We saw each other a few times while I was an adolescent, I remember he sort of annoyed me at the time. (He had a crush on a neighbor and I was bored with the "crush" thing.) We didn't interact much then. At some time my family moved to a neighboring city and I didn't see the boy again for a while, in fact I believe I forgot about him.
Well a few years later I was hanging with my older sis at her friends place. I'm not sure why I was there to begin with as she didn't really want me there. Plus it was my 13th birthday, I'm not sure why I wasn't home with my family. I can only assume the rents were at work? Anyway, that boy from my earlier years was there too only he wasn't really a "boy" anymore, at least not in my eyes. I soon discovered it was also his bday also. I no longer recall how or why it came about but he and I took off for a walk; he was really soft spoken, fun yet serious - he stole a corner of my heart right then I think. When we got back to the party my sis was as mad as a Hatter. She wanted to take me home right away. That guy stopped her though. He insisted it was a party for me too since we shared a bday and made her let me stay for cake. I can remember him taking his time before he got to the cake part of the party. Then he had me sit on his lap and blow the candles out with him. Not long after I was taken home. Later that night, thinking about our talk, I cried for him and the situation he was in. I cried because I didn't think we'd get to be "friends" and just because I was the kind of girl that cried over things.
What can I say, I was 13 and that night soon faded from the forefront of my mind. Every birthday I've had since then I've thought of him when I'd blow out candles.
A few years later he found my sister while he was home on leave from the military. She brought him by the house and somehow he and I had snuck off to talk like we had at that party. I clearly recall talking with him in my room. However I don't really remember what we talked about. What I do remember was how hard I was wishing he would reach over, cup my cheek and kiss me. Butterflies swirled in my tummy, my heart raced and it took everything I had to concentrate yet I still couldn't think about anything else for too long. I really wanted him to kiss me. My older brother ensured that never happened. The guy shipped back out the next day and I never heard from him again - until tonight.
I was fishing around on the internet and saw a page with his name and birthday on it. I wasn't sure on the last name but the picture, first name and bday all matched. Curious, I sent him an email and asked if it was him by any chance. Lo and behold - it was the one and only!
We started talking after that and to be honest, at first all I remembered about him was sitting in his lap to blow out the candles on his cake. He'd mentioned we'd taken a walk and the memories came trickling in. I remembered he was so soft spoken, kind, sad and yet fun. Later he brought up the night in my room, he claimed he had wanted to kiss me damn those interruptions! And then I finally pieced it together that he was the annoying boy my sis promised would be my boyfriend if I just wouldn't tell on her. Wow!
Now my mind is muddled with all these memories, wishes; I'm wondering what could have been, might have happened. Don't get me wrong, I love my children and know without him I never would've had them so I'm not wishing we'd never gotten together - I'm just curious. What other cards were in my deck? Did I fold too soon or should I have kept on betting? And I wonder about him. How much has he changed? How'd he ever sort out those issues from long ago? Or has he.... Was he really interested or is he just saying that now? Will I ever get the chance to have that kiss I so desperately wanted??? Life can be too cruel sometimes!
My Ambien is making it harder and harder for me to organize my thoughts into something coherent. So I shall sign off for now. I hope you all have a great night, sweet dreams when you get there!
There's this guy, yea I need to name him I just can't think of one at the moment so I'll tell my story and name him later. Ok there's this guy I knew as an adolescent into my teenage years. We saw each other a few times while I was an adolescent, I remember he sort of annoyed me at the time. (He had a crush on a neighbor and I was bored with the "crush" thing.) We didn't interact much then. At some time my family moved to a neighboring city and I didn't see the boy again for a while, in fact I believe I forgot about him.
Well a few years later I was hanging with my older sis at her friends place. I'm not sure why I was there to begin with as she didn't really want me there. Plus it was my 13th birthday, I'm not sure why I wasn't home with my family. I can only assume the rents were at work? Anyway, that boy from my earlier years was there too only he wasn't really a "boy" anymore, at least not in my eyes. I soon discovered it was also his bday also. I no longer recall how or why it came about but he and I took off for a walk; he was really soft spoken, fun yet serious - he stole a corner of my heart right then I think. When we got back to the party my sis was as mad as a Hatter. She wanted to take me home right away. That guy stopped her though. He insisted it was a party for me too since we shared a bday and made her let me stay for cake. I can remember him taking his time before he got to the cake part of the party. Then he had me sit on his lap and blow the candles out with him. Not long after I was taken home. Later that night, thinking about our talk, I cried for him and the situation he was in. I cried because I didn't think we'd get to be "friends" and just because I was the kind of girl that cried over things.
What can I say, I was 13 and that night soon faded from the forefront of my mind. Every birthday I've had since then I've thought of him when I'd blow out candles.
A few years later he found my sister while he was home on leave from the military. She brought him by the house and somehow he and I had snuck off to talk like we had at that party. I clearly recall talking with him in my room. However I don't really remember what we talked about. What I do remember was how hard I was wishing he would reach over, cup my cheek and kiss me. Butterflies swirled in my tummy, my heart raced and it took everything I had to concentrate yet I still couldn't think about anything else for too long. I really wanted him to kiss me. My older brother ensured that never happened. The guy shipped back out the next day and I never heard from him again - until tonight.
I was fishing around on the internet and saw a page with his name and birthday on it. I wasn't sure on the last name but the picture, first name and bday all matched. Curious, I sent him an email and asked if it was him by any chance. Lo and behold - it was the one and only!
We started talking after that and to be honest, at first all I remembered about him was sitting in his lap to blow out the candles on his cake. He'd mentioned we'd taken a walk and the memories came trickling in. I remembered he was so soft spoken, kind, sad and yet fun. Later he brought up the night in my room, he claimed he had wanted to kiss me damn those interruptions! And then I finally pieced it together that he was the annoying boy my sis promised would be my boyfriend if I just wouldn't tell on her. Wow!
Now my mind is muddled with all these memories, wishes; I'm wondering what could have been, might have happened. Don't get me wrong, I love my children and know without him I never would've had them so I'm not wishing we'd never gotten together - I'm just curious. What other cards were in my deck? Did I fold too soon or should I have kept on betting? And I wonder about him. How much has he changed? How'd he ever sort out those issues from long ago? Or has he.... Was he really interested or is he just saying that now? Will I ever get the chance to have that kiss I so desperately wanted??? Life can be too cruel sometimes!
My Ambien is making it harder and harder for me to organize my thoughts into something coherent. So I shall sign off for now. I hope you all have a great night, sweet dreams when you get there!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)