Confession

It was the night before second grade started; I was 7 years old and my father called a "family meeting". Curious I perched next to my siblings on the big coffee table about 2 feet across from him on the couch. I don't recall where Mom was in the room anymore. He was visibly upset which scared me, I'd never seen him so upset before in fact I don't think I'd ever seen him cry before that night.

"Your mom and I have been talking," he started to explain. "Things are going to change just a little bit. I'm going to go stay with (insert random friends name here when what he really meant was his newest girlfriend in a string of 13 yrs worth of girlfriends) because your mom and I need to sort some stuff out." Mom gasped while he was explaining this to us.

I'm certain my brother had asked if he could go with our father because he continued to explain "You guys are going to live with your mom here and I'll come visit as much as I can. But for right now, while I'm figuring things out, I need to stay with so-and-so."

Confused and hurt I started to cry when I asked him "Why do you have to leave us Daddy?"

"It's hard to explain honey" was his lame answer.

"But don't you love us anymore? We'll be good so you and Mommy don't have to fight anymore" I promised.

"Oh honey, it has nothing to do with something you kids did. It's not even something your mom did. It's me baby girl. I love you guys, and I even love your mom. I think I'm just falling out-of-love with her" was his excuse for leaving us.

That was the first time I recall ever hearing that term "falling out-of-love". I was terrified if he could fall out of love with my mom then surely he fell out of love with us since we were a big cause of their many fights. In my 7 yr old mind we were the main reason they fought; he wasn't ever around enough (according to Mom), he was too gruff with us, he didn't know what was going on with our schools, he didn't participate in the family etc. So surely, if he fell out of love because they were always fighting he must have stopped loving us since we caused the fights I reasoned. *Years later I discovered he left because he'd fallen in love with the woman he'd had an affair with, I'd also discovered my mom had no clue he was going to tell us that as he hadn't even told her yet.*

That was also the first night I can recall laying in bed awake all night, waiting and begging for sleep to take me from the reality - my family would never be the same again. It was the first night I began to detest my father. It was the first time I questioned his ability to love me and be a Dad. I hated the saying "fell out of love" and I knew as much as I could in my 7 yr old mind that that was a lie - how could he fall out of love with Mom after all? They'd been together all my life, mommies and daddies were supposed to love each other forever.

It's funny that I can still remember that night as clearly as I do when I have a hard time just trying to remember last week.

Now, I'm beginning to question my dark feelings towards my father. I'm beginning to feel like a hypocrite and I fear I'm destined to repeat the cycle, complete the circle, follow in his footsteps....

Thirteen years ago next month I vowed to love him until death did we part; I vowed to honor and cherish him forever, to be faithful and honest with him. I don't think I can do that anymore. I've sworn I could never cheat but I suppose in all honesty I already have. Not in a physical sense, no I've cheated emotionally. Now I wonder how my father began all of his affairs. Were they a heat of the moment thing or did he have an emotional investment? It really doesn't matter in the end, I'm just curious by nature I suppose.

Emotional cheater....

I didn't start off with this intent. I've fought tooth and nail, tried until I was physically exhausted and emotionally worn out. I never wanted to follow in my father's footsteps. I didn't even realize it was happening until it was too late. What's worse it's happened more than once....

I'm sure it's apparent but I'll get into the nitty gritty.

The first time I felt an emotional tug towards another man was with Jack. I still think about him, but we haven't spoken in months which is probably a good thing anyway. Most of the attraction to him was based on the simple fact that he was going through similar things in his relationship as I was. We connected through our frustrations I suppose.

Hot on his heels, Clark finally became brave enough to talk to me. Things were fun and flirty between us at first. But soon he started asking me personal questions and I began opening up to him. He wasn't connecting with me, he wouldn't talk to me about the important things and hadn't been talking to me for a few years by then. I felt like the need to have that connection with someone was suffocating me. Clark gave me that. I feel guilty about our relationship, I know it's wrong; I'm too attached to him and we're both married. I doubt Clark feels half the way I do and that's fine with me. I know I shouldn't feel the way I do about Clark.

Sadly, there's also Miles. The last few times I saw Miles he endeared himself to my heart. At that party; he stuck up for me, he wanted me there, he wanted to share his party with me. He was hero-ish to me. And a few years later when I saw him that last time, not only was I infatuated with him but he talked to me like I was his equal. Clearly I didn't feel equal to him. He made me feel special.

Unfortunately, I wasn't very confident at that time of my life. My breasts were already well beyond a triple-D bra size which brought a lot of extra male attention my way. I'd given everything I had to give to a boy, A (he doesn't deserve a name, not even if it's a faux name). I gave my heart, body, everything I could offer at that age to A just to have him quite literally rip it apart the very next morning. Now don't get me wrong, I didn't just hand myself over to A on a whim. No. A and I had had a relationship for quite some time. I'd thought I'd fallen in love with A, I thought I knew him and could trust him.

After A had tossed me away like yesterday's old newspaper I didn't trust anyone after that, quite justifiably I felt like a piece of garbage. I'd been used and discarded in the most physical way possible. When Miles came by almost a year later, I still felt like that piece of garbage. I didn't feel worthy enough for Miles' attention let alone his affection. That doesn't mean I didn't want it. Boy I wanted him to kiss me, I wanted him to want me the way I wanted him. But I didn't think it was possible.

Miles had to rush out before we had a chance. Time passed. He and I began to date, I was still recovering from A, he was recovering from his ex; we were best friends. Eventually I (thought) I fell in love with him. (Now I question if I was in love or just loved him. Looking back I wonder if I rushed into the marriage. I desperately wanted to start my family. He loved me and I felt safe with him. He was my best friend! I didn't think I'd find someone else that would want to marry me, in fact I couldn't believe he wanted to marry me.) So when he proposed I accepted and here I am 13 yrs after saying "I do".

Miles has come back into my life. Somehow I still question his motives though... Lord knows he should be the one questioning mine. I still question if I'm really "good" enough for him. I don't know why. Although he's definitely had cause to be untrusting of people. I don't know what this all has to do with it. Short version, in a very short time he's made all those emotions I felt as a teenager resurface. Still jaded, especially after A and now that things between him and I have gone so horribly wrong; I'm just trying to get to know Miles again. Not because I want to have the same emotions I had as a teen; I want to know him again, I don't want to loose contact with him again. I'm trying to figure him out. Oh but he can be frustrating....

Before I go any further; Clark, I'm sorry. I say that because Clark's told me I'm like a puzzle to him. Just when he thinks he's figured me out I change things up with something he didn't expect. I thought it was cute and funny, until that is Miles came back into my life. Miles does to me what I do to Clark in that respect. It's not cute. It's not funny. It's very frustrating.

All of that being said, let me see if I can get back on topic. Hmmm....

Oh yea, so I've become emotionally attached to Clark and Jack. So much so that I feel as though I'm emotionally cheating with Clark and Jack. What happened to me? Where did I go wrong in this marriage of mine? I guess it was wrong from the get go. But now what do I do? How do I fix this without putting my children through the same turmoil I went through?

Well I've been awake for over 36 hrs now. All of this sounded much better in my mind this morning while I took a hot shower, by now it's a jumbled mess. It's incoherent to me. I'll try to clarify it all after I finally get some sleep.