interested

I've been told I'm too abrasive, sometimes I'm too judgemental. Like I said, Mom told me I would end up killing any man that ever tried to control me. . . . She probably wasn't too far off. I am to independent for my own good most of the time.

I need someone who will stand up to me when I'm being too aggressive. A man that will look at me and yell back "I messed up again so effing what! Are we REALLY gonna fight about which shelf I put the beans on? Show me where they go, I'll try to remember next time." Instead, what I have is someone that says "fine, ok" or "whatever" and leaves it at that.

I need someone to stand up to me, and to be the first one to stand behind me, supporting me. Someone that will push me when I get tired and yet hold me when I fall. Someone to embrace my success and nudge me to do better when I fail. I need someone to listen to my ramblings, help me sort it all out. Someone that will stand back and let me cause a rumble with the asshole that shoved his way past our kids; or to be there, prepared and able to intervene if I've bitten off more than I could chew.

I'm the kind of lady that will stubbornly yell down at the over sized, egotistical husband of my best friend because he's an abusive prick and she can't stand up for herself. (Yes, that is a true story *sigh*) I'm the kind of stubborn, proud lady that won't tolerate an egotistical sexist man or his lame ass ideas. And when I blow my temper over such a person; I need a man that's willing to watch me dig my own grave and yet block the path to it before I'm thrown in.

I don't know if any of this makes sense. I'm still struggling with it all myself. But I do know, what I have . . . it's not what I need. Right now, I have a man that is willing to let me rule the roost. He doesn't fight for what he wants or believes in (unless I'm just not either of those). . .

*sigh* In the beginning of the year, when I told him I wanted him to move out, I wanted a separation he simply said ok. OK??? Really? When I told him this really told me that he was fine with ending the marriage, he didn't have much to say about it. I asked him what else I should think, he didn't know. So I decided to work on it. I've tried to talk to him about our issues, he won't interact in the conversations. How many one-sided convo's can a person have?

When I told him I wasn't happy, he said I needed to get in counseling. Then I told him I had a crush on someone else, that it scared me I felt this way, and that I couldn't help but have a crush on someone that made me feel important/happy; he asked me who it was and left it at that.

I know that I'm not perfect in ANY way at all. I've made plenty of mistakes myself. But if the role was reversed, if he was telling me he wasn't happy and had a crush - I'd be scared. I'd be asking what I could do to make things better. I'd ask him to get in marriage counselling with me. I'd want him to tell me what was behind the attraction, how I could improve, what we could do to get our life back. I'd want to know how serious the crush was, how worried I should be, if there was any hope. I guess I'd talk to him is what I am saying.

I think one of the reasons I'm having such a hard time is a direct result of my father's relationship with me. He never did and never will care enough about me, as his daughter, to be interested in my life, in me. He was never there for me when I was a child. Every time I've had a problem and tried to talk to him about it, I got very little response from him. I finally gave up. I figured if I had to tell my own father that he should be kicking my ass for having had sex with a boy at 14 - well then my father just wasn't meant to be a Dad. That was the pivotal moment, when I knew I'd never be enough for him. My marriage is turning out that way.

I'm sure that my relationship with my father has helped shape my outlook on life. After all, if I meant enough to him, he wouldn't have let me cut him out of my life would he? That being the case, he is letting me (if not guiding me) in cutting him out of my life now.

*sigh*

This isn't sounding the way I want it to sound. I know I can't make my father be the kind of dad I want him to be. And I know a lot of who he is is a direct result of the way his father was while he was growing up. But then I think, my father had to have known the sting of not knowing his own dad - he had to have felt the pain from not "being enough" - if this was the case, why would he be that sort of father?

OMG I'm still not conveying this the way I want to. . .

He doesn't care enough to fight for us. If he did, would he really just say OK when I said I wanted a separation? If he did, would he really be so willing to let me walk away? And why doesn't he care enough?

That's still not exactly what I'm trying to say but it's close enough. It's been a long, LOOOOONG weekend. Despite wanting to converse with people I missed, I'm just going to head to bed. Maybe the beer will put me to sleep. I should take an ambien, hmmm maybe a few will do the trick. . .

surprised

I have to let you know too that I was rather surprised to see the note you left me last night. After waiting for you all day, I found it and it was comforting.

Ohhh I should warn you. I tried real hard not to ask your buddy - But I couldn't resist the temptation any longer. So I asked him if he knew where you were, thought you were gonna be there today. Haha he was no help anyway. Said he didn't know and you two hadn't talked in a few. (I hope everything if ok there.)

I work til late this week so I will be on around 5:30 pm this week. Hope to see you then ;)

~Me

Wish List

So, I lied. I put money down as my wish list item on that last blog. Well I didn't lie but I changed my mind. My wish list item is a new journal. Lol. I know, I have 500 journals. How many can one person have right? Call me lame, there's just something about putting a ball point pen to paper. Call me a romantic. . . I don't know. I just love it.

Granted I get a lot more accomplished with the PC. But there is this certain appeal of pen and paper. I love to hold the pen, watch it caress the paper and see the thoughts just flow. There's something about the smell of the paper, it reminds me of being in school as a kid - like the beginning of the school years. You know, when you were so full of excitement and wonder, nerves and anxiety, curiosity and determination, innocence and ignorance. Yea, you remember the days.

So yea, my wish list item is a new journal.

Sucker

Meh, I am a sucker for these things. Since I don't feel like doing the mass email forward thing, I thought I'd post it here. If you're not interested, don't read it. It's one of those "forward it to everyone but replace my answers with yours" kinda things.

Gotta answer with one word:

Your cell phone: Quiet

Significant other: Obligated

Your hair: Frizzy

Your mother: Broken

Your father: Cheater. . . or Dying (sigh)

Your favorite thing: Music

Your dream last night: Wild

Your favorite drink: Depends

What room are you in: Bedroom

Your hobby: Writing

Your fear: Besides failure? Quiet

Where do you want to be in 6 years? Happy

Where were you last night? Home

Something that you aren't: Secure

Muffins: Meh

Wish list item: Money

Last thing you did: Blog

What are you wearing: Reg

TV? Off

Your pets: Stinky

Friends: Mhmm

Your life: Stuck

Your mood: Contemplative

Missing someone: Terribly

Drinking: Yes

Your car: Surviving

Something you're not wearing: Smile

Your favorite store: Hastings

Your favorite color: Purple (deep/dark purple ;~} )

When is the last time you cried? Yesterday

Who will respond? idk

Where do you go to over and over? Jack

Three ppl who email you regularly: Mom, bro and Case

Favorite place to eat: Arbys

Favorite place you'd like to be right now: Secure

In another's eyes

Wow "in another's eyes" so much to be said

I'm someone who loves her enough
to walk away from you
I'd never cheat
and I would never lie
In anothers eyes

In anothers eyes
I can do no wrong
And he believes in me
and his faith is strong
I'd never fail
or even compromise
in another's eyes

In anothers eyes
I'm afraid that you can't see
This picture perfect portrait
That they paint of me
They don't realize
And I prey they never do
'Cause everytime I look
I'm seeing you
In anothers eyes

In anothers eyes
Staring back at me
I see a sinkin soul
tryin desperately
To turn the tide
beofore it turns in anothers eyes

And what they don't see
Lord it's killing me
It's a blessing and a curse
that love is blind
'cause in anothers eyes
I'm araid that I

Ok it's not the complete song, but it's close. And it's soooo close to how I feel atm

Flaws

Wow so I should figure out all Jack's flaws etc. Figure out those and it may make me realize what I really want.

Jack - tell me your flaws. Please!

School kid crush

This is just lame. I feel like a school girl with a crush. I'm waiting to hear from him. Everytime I think it'll be him my stomach tightens up UGH!

Contemplating

Since I made that last entry in here, I can't seem to get it out of my mind. Being here at work, alone, makes it even worse. And in all fairness, it's not just that entry I can't get out of my mind. It's him. Yes I know I said that last entry was fictional and it was/is for the most part. Hmmm maybe that's why it's stuck with me so much- it has a base of reality to it.

The dream I had in that entry, well the entire entry, was an actual day dream I had had while I worked late that night. There is a guy, and we do talk a lot. He has/does threaten to "come visit" me when I'm not expecting it. So those things were also true. And every time he makes those threats I do get excited, scared and obsessed with the thoughts of him coming to see me.

And that dream, wow!!! It was about him By far, it's not the first one I've had either.

The guilt is starting to consume me though. I know I'm not "cheating" on him with this guy, at least not in the physical sense. There is a fine line though with the emotionality of it all and I am getting dangerously close to that line. He's told me he would leave me alone, all I had to do was tell him to go and he would be gone (yea, that line was a direct quote, shoot me) and I know I should tell him to go. I just can't. Well I can. . . . I don't want to. That's the scary part.

I want more, no not in the physical aspect - although hmmm some of my dreams would be. . . . no, nevermind. I want more of the . . . I'm not sure how to explain it. For one thing I want to know him better. What makes him tick? That sort of thing. I know he had kids - he does what's right by them too; I admire that. At the same time, I regret knowing it. Knowing he's like that just brings to mind all the ways he hasn't done right by our family, which makes me feel more guilty because of this that's happening between (hmm I need to give him a name to differentiate between the two of them, how about I call him Jack - it seems fitting since he appears to be a Jack-of-all-trades)

So where was I?

Oh I know Jack has kids and he does right by them. This just reminds me of how he hasn't done right by our family. Then I start to feel the guilt because of this thing between Jack and I is getting dangerous.

I feel too much for Jack. No, I'm not in love with him. But it could very easily turn that way. I want my marriage to work. More than anything I want it to work; I know I should tell Jack to go. There are just so many things broken in my marriage and I can't be the only one working on fixing them. He's 'sposed to be getting some counseling; he hasn't gone yet and it's been nearly a year. I don't think he sees how this prevents me from trusting him. He already lost my trust with all his lies. Reassuring me he would get into counseling and then not doing it - that's just one more lie. At least to me it is. I can't believe a word he says. Yes, I know I'm not the most innocent party here now that this thing is happening with Jack. But in my defense, I'm not cheating and I don't plan on it ever. Yes, I'm getting emotionally invested in Jack - but it's not serious yet. And as long as we keep it on the flirtatious side it won't get that way. I know I said I want more; who ever gets everything they want? If that was the case my marriage wouldn't be in shambles now. Besides (time to be immature here) I'm not the one that lied . (Yes, I sank that low) I'm not the one that continued to lie; risked my job, home and the well-being of my children for a cheap thrill. And no, I can't seem to just forgive and forget.

I should get into counseling. He's my husband. I should be able to forgive him. But knowing that he doesn't trust me (this is way before Jack came into the picture so shut it! Scroll down and read all the earlier entries if you want proof); he can't talk to me - when will it end? Especially if he's not getting the help he needs?

Growing up, my father cheated on my mother in every sense of the word. I could never ever do that to my marriage. I would just end the marriage if it ever came to that point. It's just; I was already contemplating ending the marriage before Jack and I started talking. Jack gives me a sense of hope. Not the hope that he and I could become something - I'm not that kinda girl; I have to figure one relationship out before I could jump into another one. Jack gives me hope that I am trustable, that I can have a relationship that's not full of lies. Jack reminds me of how happy I used to be before my marriage went to Hell in a handbag. That's probably the attraction? I know there is definitely an attraction there. And that has me scared. I don't want to feel like I have no choice but to end my marriage because of whatever this thing is with Jack and I.

*sigh* I just need a vacation from life.

Random day dream

I didn't think his threats were serious. Never in a million years would I have expected it. Granted his threats had me nervous. Only I was more nervous of the aftermath; how would life continue as it had been, you know, that sort of thing. I mean just the thought of his threats had me trembling. And that's how he found me. . . .


It had been a long, exhausting week. The kids were more demanding then usual, my workload heavier then ever due to the office closure - yea, the one I had to work through. I hadn't been sleeping well. Whenever it was time to sleep, thoughts of his threats would creep into my mind. I wanted to talk to someone about it, but what would I say? And why should I have taken the threats seriously anyway?

After everyone else had gone home for the holiday break, I breathed a sigh of relief. It would be nice to have some quiet time, alone. Still his threats were in my head. Hoping to drive them out, I flicked on my speakers. That was a mistake. Music has always been a catalyst to my moods and my mood was already in a dark place. For once, I was actual welcomed the quiet so I switched the speakers off again. Only . . . it wasn't quiet that met my ears.

Music was coming from the backroom. Too exhausted to take the extra 5 steps to flip on the lights; I walked down the dark hallway to turn off whoever's speakers were left on.

"Of course the music is in the last office. Why would it be in a closer office" I thought to myself. Without turning on the lights, I entered the office and crossed the room. As I reached out to turn off the radio the blood in my veins turned to ice.

"Aww don't do that" he whispered.

Quietly I cursed myself for not taking those extra steps, the last couple of seconds to turn on the lights and for leaving the back door unlocked. He must have heard me because he chuckled.

Slowly I turned around to face him. As sure as the sun was setting, he stood not 3 feet in front of me.

"Well" he said expectantly. I didn't know how to respond or even if I could.

"Hey, are you OK?" he asked. No! I wasn't OK. My knees were buckling, my breath was screaming to be released and my heart felt like it was pounding its way out of my rib cage. I knew I had to sit down or I'd collapse and I couldn't let that happen with him here. Taking a step back to put more space between us, I bumped into the desk. He must have sensed my insecurities.

"It's me. You're all right, I promise." He coaxed as he closed the gap between us in two strides.


All day I had fought against the cold yet as soon as he was before me I felt as though I were in an inferno. My skin tingled, his scent singed my lungs and my mouth was parched.

I closed my eyes as he reached his hand toward me.

Lowering his forehead to mine, he gently pushed the hair that had strayed from my clip behind my ear. I could feel his breath against my lips as he whispered "I'll leave, just tell me to go and I am gone."

I knew he was being sincere. "Just say the damn word" I heard my brain scream. "Just two little letters, one small word, come on say it. Tell him to go. . . . "

A hot tear slid down my cheek as I opened my eyes to look in his. Defeated, I knew with a certainty that I couldn't utter the word. He must have known it to.

All that bantering, all those moments stole to share with him, all the hopes; ideas; threats; encouragement; desire - it was all there consuming the six inches between us. It pulled at me, yanked at my heart and quickened my breath.

I closed my eyes to try and slow my racing heart when I felt his lips press against mine. Instantly my hands were pulling at his broad shoulders. I needed him closer. My breasts became swollen with desire and that tell-tale warmth spread from my center. My body was ready, it had been waiting for this exact moment for what seemed an eternity. Although my mind was protesting, my body was on auto-pilot.

He pulled me against his chest as his tongue tickled the insides of my lips. His hand pressed me tighter to him and his knee eased its way between my thighs. Briefly I became aware of the dampness I knew he'd soon discover. He quickly drove that thought far from my mind as his hand sought out my breast and began to caress it.

Gasping for air, I threw my head back. He trailed wet kisses down my throat, tracing the edge of my V-necked top. Desire had me riding higher on his thigh while he pulled my neckline further down. After he freed my full breast from my shirt, he lifted his head to meet my stare. Slowly he peeled back my bra all the while daring me to stop him with his eyes.

His thumb slid over my nipple a few times before he began pulling at it with his forefinger and thumb. Barely able to restrain myself I gasped again. He seemed to take this as a sign of encouragement because his tugs got harder. His pinching drove my hips to reaction - the harder he pinched, the more my hips would grind down on his thigh.

Chuckling he pushed his leg further between my thighs. My skirt had risen to the bottom of my ass. He took no time pulling it up over my hips with his free hand. The flimsy panties I had on were soaked. I knew I had to have him in me.

Frantically I pulled at his belt. "Damn him for wearing so much" I thought as I finally yanked his buttons apart.

His hot mouth soon covered my breast as he shoved me back further on the desk. Then his fingers were pulling at my panties, ripping them down my legs. He nibbled at my taut nipple and fumbled with his own jeans.

I felt his hand slide up my thigh as he licked his way back to my mouth. Softly he kissed my lips while his fingers explored my damp center. His tongue gently pressed it's way into my mouth as his fingers eased into me. This drove me to the brink of insanity. Soon his fingers were pumping in and out of me. His tongue darted in and out of my mouth, matching the rhythm of his fingers.

Wrapping my legs around his wait I pulled him closer to me. I couldn't take the aching between my legs any longer. I had to have him in me. Arching my back I pushed his head toward my breast.

Gripping my waist, he thrust himself deep within me. With every thrust into me he bit at my nipple and sucked on it as he withdrew. Waves of pleasure crashed over me as he drove inside harder and faster.

Just as I began to climax he looked up at me and said "I love. . . "


BEEEEEEP, BEEEEEEEP

A car was frantically blasting its horn outside my office window, startling me awake.

While I had slept it had gotten dark outside. Once again my wild thoughts got the better of me. Now I had to go home; whining kids, demanding husband, throbbing ache deep inside of me and absolutely no work to show for it.




*this is purely a fictional work - something that came to me while I worked late tonight*

Trust. . .

He claims I am overbearing and yell at him too much. I barely talk to him, at least not about the important stuff.

He claims he's working on his "issues". All I ever see is him playing a game. Hmph I used to love to play that same game. Lately I've gotten so sick of him only ever playing it that I am loosing interest in it.

He swears he loves us and wants to remain in the mix. His actions tell me otherwise. . .

Is it really too much to ask that I come first? That our children and I are the first things he thinks about when he gets up and the last thing he thinks about before he goes to sleep. Is it really that unreasonable to expect him to stop and think "Hmm playing this game while she's at work and not getting the house cleaned up, not interacting with the munchkin - that's a bad thing."

Am I really that overbearing and furious? I mean I know I am pissed off. I'm pissed off a lot lately. And yea, I know that makes for bad mojo, bad harmony and all that other stuff. But isn't it time I get the respect I deserve? If I don't stand up for my beliefs who will?

Should I really just lay down and let the marriage take it's own course? That's not me. That's not the kind of person I am.

I should go see a shrink. *Sigh* Too often I know I need to have the control. I know that's not how a marriage is supposed to work. But for over 10 years we did the dual control, equal shares blah blah blah. Look where that got us. He's lied to me I don't even know how many times. (Mostly about stupid little things but still. . . he's lied too many times, I don't know if I can believe a word that comes out of his mouth now.) He clearly doesn't trust me - and not in a "she is gonna cheat on me" kind of way. No this is a "I don't know how she's going to react so I'm not going to tell her." or "I don't know how to explain this and she's gonna want out of the relationship so I will lie to her"

Oh my God, that's it. He doesn't trust me! And . . . maybe I am the reason why. Maybe I am too overbearing for him? Mom told me once "God help the man that ever tries to take charge in your life, I think you'll kill the s.o.b." Did I cause this? I mean I know he's a grown man and he knows right from wrong blah blah blah. But if he is afraid to talk to me. . . that has to be acknowledged too doesn't it. And I haven't I always been this way? I mean I'm not that mentally/emotionally different from when we met; I don't think. When did this happen???

Sigh

Last night was a bad, bad, BAAAAD night. I'm still numb. A good portion of me wants to just end it all. But then I look at my children and know I just have to keep trucking on. I'm just so tired of it. . . everything.


Too many times my sleeping pills are too much of a temptation. =(

Vacation musings

The slight friction of hands easing up my thighs, over my hips and the cool fingertips on my skin as they began to dip below the waistband of my jeans turned my legs to Jell-o. My heart thundered in anticipation. I know I shouldn’t be here, shouldn’t be doing this but I can't make my voice work to put an end to it all; can't make my legs move me away from these hands. His scent wafts up from the shirt I am wearing, swirls through my head and muddles my thoughts further. I am not sure if I really want to go this far but the moistened breath on my tummy begs me to forget all boundaries.

My skin tingles where those cool fingers brush against me; they work their way to the button on my jeans by the time I find the strength to make my legs move. Desperate to clear my mind, hesitant to go any further with this; I take half a step back. I gasp as I feel the button on my jeans pop open. I look down and see sandy hair fall forward as a hand wraps behind my right thigh to urge me closer still. The hand caresses as it slides up my back. As that cool hand finds it, my bra is unclasped and drops halfway down my arms as the full weight of my breasts falls free. Swollen with desire, they ache to be suckled.

The smooth cool hands on my abdomen leave a trail of fire on my skin as they work their way up to my breasts. Somehow my bra is MIA; this is going to fast – I can’t breathe, I am so confounded. Do I stop this? Do I want to stop? Ever persistent, the hands cup my breasts, roll my nipples between a thumb and finger and I can feel the desire swell, pulling deep in my abdomen; while my mind is torn between right and wrong, my body can’t figure out the difference.

I have to do something. The silence is closing in while the passion is fighting to burst out of me.
I look down at the sandy hair again as the hands burn a trail slowly back down to my waistband. My breath catches in my throat; I have to figure this out. In an attempt to make eye contact, I try to lift the head up. My effort is short lived as I feel the zipper on my jeans being tugged down. Ever so softly, warm lips pressed against the skin just above my panties. There is no way I can stop this now.

The soft kisses feel exquisite. Any hesitation I had felt disappears as my jeans are guided down. Kisses trace along my panties; the hands are so cool and yet they leave a fiery trail up my legs as they glide back up to my waist. I rest my hand in the sandy hair as I feel my panties fall down. Fire burns where the hands touch my thighs. They’re coaxing my legs apart and I can feel the dampness give away my body’s eagerness. As a finger slithers in me I grab at the hair. Waves of desire rake my body as the finger slips in and out. Gasping for a breath, I arch my back and rise up on my tiptoes as I climax. It is over too soon.

As my heart slows to a normal rhythm I can feel the hands circle around my thighs. I make no sudden movements as I’m not sure how to proceed from here so I just hold the head against me.

The door bursting open with Joe’s calls for me stops my heart and freezes me in place. Oh my God! What is he going to say?

“Babe, where are you? Everyone is looking. . .” he was saying. His face surprises me as he begins to smile instead of yelling. He actually laughs at us! I can’t believe it, he is laughing?

“Well hell you finally tried it and I missed it! Why didn’t you girls tell me?” he says as he walks out.

* this is a creative piece I wrote while on vacation

Reflective

While we were at Bee's place, Bee got extremely angry with my youngest for knocking (Bees) drink over. My youngest tried to walk between a chair and a table, she is 2 and does not quite have the spacial concepts as an adult. When she tried to get between the table her belly knocked Bee's cups over and spilled the contents all over the floor. I attempted to explain the fact that my child doesn't quite grasp spacial concepts as say a 6 year old might and Bee argued the point with me - claiming my child knew what she was doing and knew better. Yes, my child knew she was pushing between the furniture; however I doubt she recognized that she was risking spilling the cup by doing so. Bee scolded my child which angered me considerably so after immediately cleaning up the meal mess I packed up the family and we left. I was so angry I did not want to be in the house with Bee anymore. I think had I have gotten up and brought my child over to explain to her not to walk between that chair and table before Bee had the opportunity to scold her then Bee might not have scolded as she did. In addition, it might have been better for me to calm down before trying to discuss with Bee why I felt she was over-reacting. I will try to use reflective listening skills, and empathy more often when in those situations. However it is hard for me to not over-react myself when I feel an injustice is being done to my child(ren).

Choice of words

This is another task for my course work. The point is to cause the writer to consider the effect of the choice of words.

"List all the words you can think of to refer to a woman. These may be commonly used terms, offensive or derogatory words, slang, or complimentary terms. The words should be synonyms or substitutes for the word "woman," not descriptions, so you might choose "lady" but not "pretty." Choose five of the words you listed and write a paragraph on each one, specifying what image the terms conjure up for you, when you think this term may be appropriate or inappropriate, and how the word makes you feel. Repeat the exercise using the word doctor.
When you review your lists of words, and your thoughts on what emotions and associations you have with each word, what conclusions can you make about the power of language to convey very different ideas about the same basic subject?"

Woman:
Lady*Woman*Girl*Mom*Mother*Mommy*Momma*Madre*Bitch*Whore*Female*She*Her*
Gal*Chick*Chicca*Babe*Bimbo*Dame*Fox*Hottie*Lesbo*Dyke*Hooker*Slut*Ma'am*Pris*
Miss*Skank*Mrs*Ms*Bride*Wife*Dominatrix*Tomboy

1. Girl: The word girl conjures up a school age youthful image in my mind. I do not think of a pregnant woman, let alone someone physically capable of even becoming pregnant. The use of this word would be appropriate when indeed talking about a female youth, not when referring to a client. When I hear the word girl I immediately think of my young daughters.

2. Bitch: The word bitch conjures up images of immature teenagers/young adults or of hostile situations. This word is not endearing nor professional to use in any sense and I do not feel it is appropriate to use this word at all. When I hear someone refer to a woman in this sense I feel hostile and aggressive towards the offender as this is a derogatory word.

3. Female: The word female conjures up images of a medical setting. I also think of cold and impersonal documentations. This term is too impersonal to use regarding my client, in my opinion, I might use it when referring to her unborn child but that is all.

4. Gal: While this word is not very professional, I do feel it would be acceptable to use with my clients however not referring to the client. The word gal is a bit too impersonal for my taste however it is also warmer than referring the "female I spoke to regarding (the clients) inquiries."

5. Wife: The use of the word wife is acceptable when talking about a non-present party or inquiring as to who someones wife is. I do not feel it is acceptable to assume my client is married so I would (hope) never to ask the clients partner "where is your wife". In addition, referring to someone as "wife" is very cold and impersonal.

Doctor:
Doc*Doctor*Professional*Quack*MD*Medic*Surgeon*Specialist*Caregiver*OB*Pedi*Dentist*
Ortho*

1. Doc: The use of the word Doc would be acceptable in a situation where the patient and doctor have an established "friendly" relationship. It's personal and endearing, yet acknowledges the fact that the doctor is the professional. I'm not sure if I would ask my clients "oh and what'd your doc say about that" as that does not seem professional at all.

2. Quack: Most times the word quack is used to refer to a doctor that doesn't seem to know what they are talking about in addition to mental health doctors. It is a derogatory or slang word. There is no place in the doula field for the use of this word.

3. Specialist: Most often the word specialist refers to a medical professional that took extra courses dedicated toward a specific field of study rather then general medical education. For example the cardiologist, oncologist, and heart surgeon are all "specialists". Sometimes using this word brings fears as the client might assume there is something wrong if they need a specialist. If I used this word with my client it would be after great thought as I wouldn't want to toss it out there lightly and chance my pregnant, emotional client becoming more stressed or worried. I feel it would be more appropriate to call the specialist by the designated specialty - "Well Doctor so-and-so is an oncologist and may be able to better answer your questions then I can"

4. Pedi: More often than not pedi is used to refer to a pediatrician. I do not feel this word should be used 100% of the time, however I feel after already discussing the pediatrician with my client it might be acceptable to use this word on occasion.

5. Caregiver: The word caregiver is used to refer to doctors and health professionals that care for patients. I personally do not think I would use this as it brings images of an invalid needing constant care to my mind. As a doula I want to help empower my clients and I feel this word might do the opposite.

The power of language can be extreme on both ends. It can make a person feel fearful, empowered, dejected, neglected, accepted, loved and disrespected both intentionally and unintentionally.

True empathy

"After you have read Andrew LeCompte's article on "true" empathy, above, write a short passage explaining, in your own words, what empathy is and why it is an important skill to have as a birth doula or a childbirth educator or a postpartum doula."

True empathy is the ability to identify with another persons feelings and help them begin to have positive possibilities come from those feelings/situation. This is an important skill as a birth doula because it is part of my duties to help the mom realize her birth plan and have that type of birth. I am there to support and assist the mom in anyway I can. By simply empathizing with her when something negative comes around I won't be helping her to reach her goals - nor would I be helping her reach those positive outcomes. Whereas if I were to use true empathy I would be validating her feelings, and helping her to realize positive outcomes so she is enabled to work around the situation and still reach her goals.

'Write down all the ways that you can think of that people communicate through non-verbal means. Are there unique non-verbal cues used in your community that you don't see elsewhere? Consider which of these methods you feel is the most effective in getting the message across."

* Facial expressions
* Body language (posture, hand gestures etc)
* Appearance
* Tone of voice
* Signs and pictures

No, there aren't any unique non-verbal cues used in my community that I don't see elsewhere.

I personally feel that body language and facial expressions are the most effective in getting the message across.

Frame of Reference

"List people you may have to communicate with who may have a different frame of reference from yours, and how that may lead to communication problems. "

1. Doctors/Nurses - While they have the medical education and training; I will be focusing primarily on the parent(s) so communication might become an issue.

2. Extended family - Depending on the birthing plans, and the expectations of certain family members there may be communication problems there.

3. Language barriers might cause a communication problem

4. The mom and I might even have communication problems.

Communication

After looking around for the "perfect" notebook to record my course activities in; I decided this will do. Apparently I need to list my communication strengths and weaknesses, here goes.

Strengths:
1. I speak my mind
2. I'm not afraid to be honest
3. I speak clearly


Weakness:
1. I can be too aggressive with those closest to me
2. If I am extremely angry or frustrated I tend to get tongue-tied
3. I cannot speak up for myself towards my birth father
4. I hate having to tell those closest to me what "I need" emotionally - I feel they should know by now
5. I speak my mind a bit too freely ;)

As I think of more I will list them.

I now need to describe how well I communicate when I am experiencing certain emotions.

Excitement: I feel I communitcate this well. Repeatedly I will state "I am so excited ______" My speach tends to be a bit faster but not hard to understand, it is also a bit higher in my opinion.

Joy: When I feel joy I tend to laugh a lot and I talk lightly - I don't talk about distressing topics, my voice is higher, sometimes I say "oh my god" or laugh a bit too much.

Anger/frustration: I tend to speak in short clipped statements as the anger/frustration begins to build. As I get more angry/frustrated my voice gets deeper; I want short and direct answers/comments rather than the long drawn out explanations - closed answers rather than open answers. ;)

Saddness: I tend to be quiet when I am feeling saddened. I like to contemplate what I am feeling and why, then as the saddness lifts I open up more. Usually I am withdrawn while I feel sad.

Fear: Hmm I'm honestly not sure how I communicate when I am afraid. I guess I repeat myself often. I like to talk things out to try to reassure myself. I am direct in why I am feeling fear, and my voice tends to be lower than normal - close to a whisper.