Musings

Work was on the boring side today. You'd think my first day back in 3 days and I'd be swamped with catch up work. I wasn't. I mean I had some, but about halfway through the day I was out of work.

It was nice to get in this morning and have the boss lady yell at me for being out so long. Hmmm who doesn't like to feel needed though. It's sad, I want that feeling from him so badly that I reach out for it eagerly whenever anyone else offers it. *sigh* I guess the boss man needed a file though, even boss lady couldn't find it. I was starting to get worried that maybe I'd messed up the files. So when he came in today I asked him what file was lost. Hehe turns out they're both just blind. It was right where it should have been. And I didn't mess it up. Yay me!

I decided while I was writing up the service requests; I want another tattoo. Random thought I know, when aren't my thoughts random... Seriously though, the shirt I wore today has a deep U shaped neckline and my breasts peek above the shirt a little bit so while I had my head bent over the service requests I had an eye full. No, I wasn't checking my own chest out. And it's not my fault I have a large bust. I'm not sure what exactly I want to get, just know I want a tattoo on my left breast. I'm thinking maybe a guardian angel... Whatever I get can't be gaudy as I want to be able to wear my shirts with the deep neckline's without having to cover up the tattoo. Hmmm I'm thinking maybe an angel... I know I want some filigree line thing I designed on my ankle/foot, and I want a iris on my upper thigh/hip. I can't wait to get that one. I want it to look similar to this except I want my kids first initials in the flower too. So that leaves me with wondering what to get on my breast... I was tempted to start drawing something, that's how I designed the one for my ankle/foot but I was at work so I decided against it. Yes, I was tempted to draw on my skin. Something about the milky white skin on my breast (yes, I have an olive complexion, but my breasts are whiter than the rest of me =p). I'm not sure why I like to draw on myself as much as I do but I love to.

Things between him and I are still whatever they have been. He still doesn't talk to me; I still don't trust him. I don't know what else I can do to fix things. I know I still love him; sometimes though, I wonder if I'm still in-love. Without the trust it's hard. I'm calling a "professional" Monday morning. I've come to the conclusion that while I want a divorce right now, I know I haven't tried everything in my power. This is that last ditch effort. I can't make him talk to someone like he promised me he would. I can only control what I do. That being said, talking to a professional should help me in the long run. I need to find a way to be happy again, with or without him. Boss lady told me I need to find a way to be alone again, I guess this is my first step.

I'm tired of feeling this way.

What really confuses me, no it frustrates the hell out of me... What really frustrates me is there are some really nice people in this world that make me feel the way I wish he would make me feel. How is it they can manage that? Jack, we haven't talked much lately, but he really makes me notice what I'm missing in my marriage. And, I'm dubbing him, Clark - my closet bad boy/hero, but Clark really hammers home everything that seems to be wrong. Granted I get flirty with both of them, well I get flirty with everything - it's my defense I guess, keeps things light and the distance I want to keep stays in place. Despite the flirts though, they both seem to see what he is so blind to. I don't know if he's blind or just doesn't care. The latter seems more accurate these days. While I love to talk with both Jake and Clark, they make me melancholy. I don't want to feel this way anymore...

I want it to stop... I just want everything to stop...