Ever since I can remember, I've been a very guarded person. I've always had a problem letting my guard down. Each and every time I've ever let someone get close to me, they've let me down.
First example, and probably the I've built walls around myself, my father. We've always had a rocky relationship. One minute he wants to be a dad, the next he doesn't even acknowledge my existence. Yea that makes for a real secure girl. But so what boo hoo right. I just learned not to trust people with things that matter the most to me. And that worked for a long time.
Until I finally let him close to me. He was my best friend, he promised he'd never break my heart, I would never have a reason not to trust him. When I said "I do", I did. I gave him my all. I trusted him, talked to him and loved him with every ounce I had. Now I feel like he took all that I gave and slapped me in the face with it.
I almost wish he would've just cheated on me. At least then I'd have a reason to feel this resentment. At least then I could understand why he was being so distant. I don't think I could forgive it, but I don't know. . . it's at least something concrete. But all this, what we've turned into. . .
Since March of last year, I can count the "serious" talks/heart-to-hearts we've had on my fingers. And even before then, things weren't the best. I can't handle the lies. With every lie he's told me I've felt myself build another layer around my heart. Now, we don't even talk anymore. I come home from work and put on my iPod. I mean, I've tried to talk to him. About 2 weeks ago I tried for the last time. We were in bed and I told him I wasn't happy, that I hadn't been happy in a very long time. I said other things to, explained how I thought my depression was coming back and I had ben having suicidal thoughts again along with a few other things, and that it all scared me tremendously. I explained that the only thing keeping me holding on was my own selfish, stubborn streak - I couldn't walk out on my kids like that, I'd never do that to them. After all this talking (by talking I mean I was doing the talking) he simply told me "maybe you should see a counselor then you'll feel better."
For fuck's sake! I understand these are very good reasons someone should go see a counselor, and I get that he's not qualified to "shrink me" but don't I at least get the right to have some genuine concern. Some honest talking. Is it too much to ask for? Who doesn't try to ask their wife why they aren't happy? Who just says ok go talk to someone else and leave the convo at that?? And this is supposed to reassure me that he's still invested in the marriage.
*Sigh* I know that sounds like I was just trying to get some attention. That's not what the case was. It's just . . . wow, yet again I laid my heart on the floor and it was stomped on. After that, I can't even bring myself to talk to him, at least not about the important stuff. Well actually we really don't talk at all anymore. And he seems to be ok with that. =( He stopped talking to me about the important things in the end of 2008, I'm so tired of having one-sided conversations. I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to be let down again. And yes, I know life isn't perfect - I get that I'm going to be let down time and again. But I don't have to expect that on a daily basis from the one person that's supposed to cherish me. I shouldn't have to wonder if I'm being fed a lie once again or not. And that's what I'm getting at.
I've started wishing I could go back and tell him no rather than "I do". For over a year now, when I've tried to have a serious convo with him all I get are mhmm's and ok's; I want someone to interact with me and not just on an intimate level. Is that too much to ask for?
I was talking to my boss earlier today about this, she told me I should just file the paperwork. And I know it's going to come to that, I'm scared and sad. I go through this constant battle in my head every hour of everyday "is this really what I want?" "is there really no other way?" "what about the kids?" "have I really tried everything?" "can it ever get better?" Even sitting here now, crying once again - after I said I didn't want to cry anymore - he looks at me and then looks away. Is that really love?
I mean, is that really a healthy relationship? And how do I make it better when he won't talk to me, won't give me what I need? And it's not a matter of being to needful or unreasonable expectations. I just need him to be interested, involved with me more than just for sex. I need to feel like I mean more than that to him. I need him to be an active part in all aspects. Is that really too much???
I'm so tired. . . .
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