I was just signing off the cpu to head to bed but I know I won't be able to sleep til I get this down. Talking with Mr. Flirt tonight he pointed out that he's noticed that I don't seem "happy" in my current condition. He is accurate in that assessment. When I tried to explain it to him my thoughts became so jumbled up that I could not sort them out in a coherent manner. He seemed to be under the impression that I am "torturing" myself by remaining in this condition and I do not want him to think that because it's so not the case.
When I entered into this condition I was a lot younger, at the time I felt everything was there. The main aspect being a friendship I had never had before this boy came into my life. And I loved this boy desperately for everything he was and meant to me. At that age I didn't stop to think about passion. Oh who am I fooling, at that age I could not even begin to describe passion and what it would bring to my life or what I would miss from its absence. As time has passed everything I already had continued to grow, deepen and strengthen.
However at this junction in life I have become almost painfully aware that something was missing. It took me a while to unravel my thoughts and process what I felt I was lacking. It's not actually me though, or that boy per se. There is just a missing piece to the puzzle. . . .
Within the last year I began to feel like I was constantly hyperventilating. At first I thought it was just the dread of turning 30, but that wasn't it. I started doing some soul searching and really examined my life. My life is actually so rich with love, examining this was what finally brought my attention what was missing. Being a mom is the most rewarding feeling in the world for me. I love my monsters with a ferocity that I could not feel towards anything else. They are what get me out of bed everyday, they keep me grounded and give my life the direction it was lacking. It was while I was exploring my love for them that I realized what it felt like to experience passion in it's fullest glory.
This discovery brought about my realization of what was missing. I am an avid reader and have read about passionate lovers many times, I used to believe it was just another glorified way of describing love. But after realizing the passion I feel for my children I have realized I was wrong and that is what I need, lack. That boy and I have grown, but as "friends" not so much lovers. I want to feel the carnal passion in the most intimate aspects of my life. I need to be more than a companion, a friend. I want to be called angel, and feel like I'm the driving force for someones existence. I crave that feeling and to reciprocate those same desires.
Anyway I'm not torturing myself, I just need some help. Someone to understand and guide me so to speak. And yet while I ache for this I know my boy will not be able to be that "someone". Here is where I am stuck and feel imprisoned. Our relationship is nearly perfect in every other aspect and I think that is what keeps me here. I doubt I could have everything I have with this boy in addition to passion. I'm not a perfectionist. I can continue as I have the past 12 years. It just makes me wonder if I could have it all, is that possible? Or would I not have to sacrifice some other aspect just to gain the passion? I am not ready for that kind of sacrifice. . . Not yet anyway.
I just wish I could trade lives with someone for a day so I could feel that passion. And then I wonder, had I waited; not been so eager to get on with life. . . Maybe had I actually taken the time to experiment, to test the waters so to say, then maybe I would have experienced this passion and it would not be such a big deal to me now. I'm just afraid I will never get the chance to know a passion like this and that terrifies me. . .
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