Fantasy...

Stood up, for the second time, with any means of contact cut off - I've had too much time to think about things.

First, I'm ashamed to admit it, but I hear that's the first step to "recovery"; I'm ok with being the "side-dish". I know I deserve more, and I will be more when I'm ready for it. For now though, I am content with the way things were, I can't say "are" because this no contact thing is killing me. With that being said...

I know there is a prior attachment, I hate to be that "other one"... There's nothing to say that will justify or make it right. I know it's wrong. I'll have to answer to someone, hell maybe even everyone, at some point; I'm ok with it. Why, you might be asking. Why or how could I be ok with it...

Simply put, I'm in love.

Haha ok nothing is ever black and white - even you should know that! How do I explain? . . .

I'm in love with the fantasy. I still believe in happily-ever after, in that perfect someone for everyone. Do I think Jack fits that bill? I don't know. But...after much contemplation...

Jack and I were friends, close friends (at least as far as I am concerned). I trusted in his friendship/companionship. I got to know the sort of person he is - the way he provides, cares for, loves... Jack's the sort of person I'd always envisioned for me. He is the kind of man I thought he was. Granted we all have our faults and I'm certain Jack has his, in fact I know of a few. But if we were perfect we'd be saints. Lord knows I'm far from perfect...

Where was I? Ah, yea... I realized he's the sort of man I hope to find someday. And, as far as I'm concerned, there is an abundance of chemistry between us. Honest to God, that man can look at me and I feel it in places I shouldn't feel anything from an attached man! His touch sets me on fire in a way I thought only existed in romance novels. It's been five months since I've last seen him and his touch is still the first and last thing I think about everyday. But it's not just the lust or a lack of sexual activities either; there has been some activity but I still keep going back to five months ago.

So, why am I content with being the side-dish? My marriage was passionless. He was far from the kind of man I wanted as a partner. After 17 years, I'm in no rush to "settle (back) down". Does it mean I'll always feel this way? No. I know I need to stay away from Jack. I could easily fall in love with him, way to easily. But I'm a moth and he's the flame....

I guess I take safety in the fact that I am a bit jaded too. Like I said, I know no one is perfect. I don't want to feel the pain of disappointment any time soon. I felt that pain all too often in my marriage. And I know Jack's not willing or even wanting to walk away from his current situation. Just as I know it's unreasonable to expect that of him. Plus, I don't want to be the gullible girl from all the stories... you know the one, she falls in love with the guy that promises her the moon and to eventually walk away from his current relationship to be in her arms forever after. Yea, no! I'm not that naive...

But, I can't deny how happy Jack makes me feel (nor how much his silence gnaws at me). And it's been way too long since I've felt this happy. I quit believing in the fantasy long ago; gave up on thinking I'd ever find the sort of passion Jack ignites in me. And now that I've found it, found the sort of man I've always wanted, all tied up with the friendship bow... I want to enjoy it a while.

I'll admit it, I am a selfish person! I want the fantasy, even if it's just for a little while.

I guess that's why his silence hurts so much... I know he won't leave his current situation. I accept it. I know I'm playing with fire - I get that my heart is on the line, along with so much more. I can't help it though, I still want the fantasy. That's why I'm so willing to be the "side-dish".

Yea, it'd be great to be the one and only - again no one's perfect. I don't want perfection anyway. I just want the fantasy for however long it lasts. I'm even willing to pay the price; hell it wouldn't be the first time my heart's been broken...