Here it is, another attempt to try and write down my thoughts so I can drift off to sleep: I do not understand why sleeping is such an ordeal for me. The doctor was wondering if maybe it was Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PT SD) or clinical depression that's been causing my insomnia; it's pretty sad when I was hoping it could be that simple. After being up well over 36 hrs I want nothing more than to lay upon my cozy bed and tumble into whatever dreams await me, I even tried just this - gave up on it after laying there for over an hour. She gave me a new script but I can't use them for a few more days. This is just agonizing wanting something so simple and not being able to obtain it. And believe me, it isn't a lack of tiredness. I am tired beyond belief I just can't fall asleep.
Ha ha I am so tired nothing is coming to mind; I would really like to write I just can't think of anything else to say! How pathetic. Thoughts are buzzing around my mind endlessly and yet I can't focus my energy on one specific idea. Hmmm. . .
You know there used to be a time when I would wonder if there really was such a thing as a perfect kiss? I'd kissed plenty of times in my life, and yet I wondered - could there be just one perfect kiss? I'm not meaning in the sense that every other kiss "sucks". No I'm talking about that one kiss burnt forever in your memory; the one that grabs you from the bottom of your toes, wraps around your belly and clings to your heart kind of kiss.
Ha ha I am so tired nothing is coming to mind; I would really like to write I just can't think of anything else to say! How pathetic. Thoughts are buzzing around my mind endlessly and yet I can't focus my energy on one specific idea. Hmmm. . .
You know there used to be a time when I would wonder if there really was such a thing as a perfect kiss? I'd kissed plenty of times in my life, and yet I wondered - could there be just one perfect kiss? I'm not meaning in the sense that every other kiss "sucks". No I'm talking about that one kiss burnt forever in your memory; the one that grabs you from the bottom of your toes, wraps around your belly and clings to your heart kind of kiss.
Ha now my thoughts are teeming with random memories of the kisses I've shared. Ohhh here's a very special memory: My first perfect kiss. I probably shouldn't be thinking about this and him. . . Yet I know I'll never erase the memory of that one kiss. What the hell imma succumb to it, for some reason I am supposed to dwell on it. But before I get there let me give you a bit of history.
I was a big flirt back then - way back in the day - not a slut, but I'd definitely done some kissing. Heh first there was the boy with no clue of the fact that he should swallow all the spit in his mouth prior to attempting a kiss (especially when both parties wear braces). God bless his soul, his kiss was sweet and perfect for a "first kiss" - 'specially since we didn't get our braces stuck together. :-P The only problem, I was wiping his spit off my forehead practically. I guess it was nerves as it was the first kiss either of us had shared.
Oh and there was the guy (almost old enough to be my dad) who was eager to kiss the last girl in the family - trust me had I known then that he'd already kissed my (at the time, single) mom and my older sis then the kiss never would have happened. But I was excited to noticed the desire my 13 year old self had created in him (again something I would not have allowed had I known then what I know now) and he was supposedly "all grown and experienced", wanting to show me what I should be "looking for in a kiss". Yes, this man in his early 30's actually told me he'd teach me how the boys should be kissing me since they were just boys and he was a man with plenty of experience under his belt. HA HA (What I never told him: his was the WORST kiss ever!!) His idea of the perfect kiss was compatible with a lizard he he he. His lizard like tongue darted in and out of my mouth, he was stiff lipped and had robotic motions. I don't know why or how but he firmly believed this was perfect kissing. Ick!
Anyway I've digressed, the various boys and kisses lol. They were all fun and enjoyable. However it wasn't until the end of my freshman year that I found my first perfect kiss. For this I need to divulge a bit more info:
So. There was this boy, oh boy was he there. I'd never met someone like him before. He cared about me, wanted to be a part of my life - we'd sit on the phone for hours almost every night just talking about anything and everything. He was cocky and sincere at the same time. Oh and how he could dance. His voice was like butter melting on a warm biscuit, smooth and rich. He held my heart in the palm of his hand; I only wish I would have known then how calloused his hand really was. Foolishly, I "fell in love" with this boy. This was my second big crush (can't forget Mr. Jared in sixth grade lol) but yea, I swore I was in love with this boy before my freshman year even started. And of course we kissed a lot! Kissing him was my favorite pastime back then. Until, that is, the school year came to an end. He was going off to his fathers and didn't want a long distance thing because then he wouldn't have been able to "fully enjoy" himself (wake up 14 yr old me, he just told you his intentions . . . grrrr) obviously I was devastated, heartbroken, and simply put, crushed. Boy was he good; he set it all up too. We had been in the little courtyard by the AFJrROTC classroom talking about his desire to make a clean break until he had returned for the start of the new school year. I don't know if he truly intended to steal my heart forever or if he was simply trying to help ease me out of my misery, but as the tears began to pool in my eyes he walked us to the back of the ROTC room where we were alone. I was struggling hard not to cry and show him how badly he'd just ripped my heart to pieces - even then I was a proud girl and didn't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing how deeply he hurt me. Ah but then, that one lonely tear escaped. . . .
I was a big flirt back then - way back in the day - not a slut, but I'd definitely done some kissing. Heh first there was the boy with no clue of the fact that he should swallow all the spit in his mouth prior to attempting a kiss (especially when both parties wear braces). God bless his soul, his kiss was sweet and perfect for a "first kiss" - 'specially since we didn't get our braces stuck together. :-P The only problem, I was wiping his spit off my forehead practically. I guess it was nerves as it was the first kiss either of us had shared.
Oh and there was the guy (almost old enough to be my dad) who was eager to kiss the last girl in the family - trust me had I known then that he'd already kissed my (at the time, single) mom and my older sis then the kiss never would have happened. But I was excited to noticed the desire my 13 year old self had created in him (again something I would not have allowed had I known then what I know now) and he was supposedly "all grown and experienced", wanting to show me what I should be "looking for in a kiss". Yes, this man in his early 30's actually told me he'd teach me how the boys should be kissing me since they were just boys and he was a man with plenty of experience under his belt. HA HA (What I never told him: his was the WORST kiss ever!!) His idea of the perfect kiss was compatible with a lizard he he he. His lizard like tongue darted in and out of my mouth, he was stiff lipped and had robotic motions. I don't know why or how but he firmly believed this was perfect kissing. Ick!
Anyway I've digressed, the various boys and kisses lol. They were all fun and enjoyable. However it wasn't until the end of my freshman year that I found my first perfect kiss. For this I need to divulge a bit more info:
So. There was this boy, oh boy was he there. I'd never met someone like him before. He cared about me, wanted to be a part of my life - we'd sit on the phone for hours almost every night just talking about anything and everything. He was cocky and sincere at the same time. Oh and how he could dance. His voice was like butter melting on a warm biscuit, smooth and rich. He held my heart in the palm of his hand; I only wish I would have known then how calloused his hand really was. Foolishly, I "fell in love" with this boy. This was my second big crush (can't forget Mr. Jared in sixth grade lol) but yea, I swore I was in love with this boy before my freshman year even started. And of course we kissed a lot! Kissing him was my favorite pastime back then. Until, that is, the school year came to an end. He was going off to his fathers and didn't want a long distance thing because then he wouldn't have been able to "fully enjoy" himself (wake up 14 yr old me, he just told you his intentions . . . grrrr) obviously I was devastated, heartbroken, and simply put, crushed. Boy was he good; he set it all up too. We had been in the little courtyard by the AFJrROTC classroom talking about his desire to make a clean break until he had returned for the start of the new school year. I don't know if he truly intended to steal my heart forever or if he was simply trying to help ease me out of my misery, but as the tears began to pool in my eyes he walked us to the back of the ROTC room where we were alone. I was struggling hard not to cry and show him how badly he'd just ripped my heart to pieces - even then I was a proud girl and didn't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing how deeply he hurt me. Ah but then, that one lonely tear escaped. . . .
This is the moment; hold your breath - it's gonna get quite detailed. . .
He slid his right arm around my waist and gently pulled me up against him, the warm breeze acted like a blanket - wrapping me in his embrace, trying to keep us secret from the world. His left hand went to my cheek where he wiped my tear away on his thumb; then he tangled his fingers lightly in my hair and ever so slightly pulled my head back. Slowly he bent his face to mine and whispered against my temple that "everything will be perfect once I get back to you." And then it happened. Staring me in the eyes he twisted his head down to meet my parted lips. First he dusted each of my lips with a few feathery kisses, then he firmly pressed his thick lips to mine. (breathe) Smoothly his tongue slid through my lips, softly passed along the ridge of my teeth, slipped in a bit further to lightly caress the roof of my mouth then eased it out to tickled the inside of my lips. All the while my hands lay splayed over his chest, and my hips involuntarily pressed closer to his. As he explored my mouth I massaged his tongue with mine. Occasionally he would suck on my lower lip, teasingly nipping at my lip with his teeth. I could feel him stiffen with the same desire that coursed through my own body, from the bottom of my toes to my tingling scalp. The desire wriggled in my belly, clung to my heart and shot through my hardened nipples.
I am telling you, this was a perfect kiss. There was no extra spit, no lizard tongue darting in and out, no abrasive movements. . . No it was a perfect, weak-kneed, heart thudding in your throat, toe curling kind of kiss. His tongue was soft and explorative; he let me reciprocate the favor. It was a kiss full of unbridled passion!
Damn 16 years later and I can still recall it like it was yesterday. . .So my point in the matter was as I first contemplated the concept of a once in a lifetime perfect kiss I began to get worried - 'specially as that was our last kiss ever. I couldn't live thinking I'd never be kissed in an orgasmic way again. No WAY! So I set out on a mission to find another perfect kiss, I kissed many others and I couldn't find it anywhere. Damn it, I knew what I liked and how I liked it done so why couldn't I find someone else that could kiss me like he did. That thought made me try to explain how I wanted to be kissed. True enough it took some time for me to explain and demonstrate my needs, but yay I finally found a kisser that worked for me. I mean it wasn't "perfect" like his kiss had been but they were pleasureful. Sorry, I know this all sounds snooty when in fact it's quite different.
Hmm ok let me try another way - I know how I want/love to be kissed. I want it to be passion filled, supple lips brushing against each other, tongues tasting and experimenting in each others warm mouths; mix in a quick suck/nibble on a lip here or there and it's perfect.I'd finally reserved myself that it just wasn't meant to happen. Until a few yrs ago, when it happened for the second time.
Really soon after one of the worst tragedies I've known, I began to feel lost. I felt disconnected, alone and like I was swirling out of control. I needed physical contact to bring me back. So I sought out the contact I needed and found it. He wrapped me in his arms and let me crumble to pieces. Then began trying to put me back together again.He gave me the contact I needed, and when I started crying again he did it. (This is how I came to the realization that the perfect kiss does repeat itself regardless of the kisser.) That night I experienced my second perfect, grab me from the bottom of my toes, wrap around my belly, cling to my heart kind of kiss. And now for the secret anatomy of the perfect kiss.
The kiss has to be given completely, from the heart and soul - to the heart and soul. Not only that, it has to happen under some form of duress. And it should be done between lovers. If you've made it this far, wow - you're either a real perv, liking to read about a poor broken-hearted teen, or you really care about me and what I have to say. Lol.
So here it is!
I urge you all to be on the look out as this perfect kiss is elusive. Watch for the signs and signals. Then Carpe Diem!! If you do know what I'm talking about feel free to comment so I don't feel like such a dork. ;~)
Well the random thoughts are becoming harder to come by so I'm hoping that means my mind is shutting off. Time to hopefully sleep. Enjoy your night!
He slid his right arm around my waist and gently pulled me up against him, the warm breeze acted like a blanket - wrapping me in his embrace, trying to keep us secret from the world. His left hand went to my cheek where he wiped my tear away on his thumb; then he tangled his fingers lightly in my hair and ever so slightly pulled my head back. Slowly he bent his face to mine and whispered against my temple that "everything will be perfect once I get back to you." And then it happened. Staring me in the eyes he twisted his head down to meet my parted lips. First he dusted each of my lips with a few feathery kisses, then he firmly pressed his thick lips to mine. (breathe) Smoothly his tongue slid through my lips, softly passed along the ridge of my teeth, slipped in a bit further to lightly caress the roof of my mouth then eased it out to tickled the inside of my lips. All the while my hands lay splayed over his chest, and my hips involuntarily pressed closer to his. As he explored my mouth I massaged his tongue with mine. Occasionally he would suck on my lower lip, teasingly nipping at my lip with his teeth. I could feel him stiffen with the same desire that coursed through my own body, from the bottom of my toes to my tingling scalp. The desire wriggled in my belly, clung to my heart and shot through my hardened nipples.
I am telling you, this was a perfect kiss. There was no extra spit, no lizard tongue darting in and out, no abrasive movements. . . No it was a perfect, weak-kneed, heart thudding in your throat, toe curling kind of kiss. His tongue was soft and explorative; he let me reciprocate the favor. It was a kiss full of unbridled passion!
Damn 16 years later and I can still recall it like it was yesterday. . .
Hmm ok let me try another way - I know how I want/love to be kissed. I want it to be passion filled, supple lips brushing against each other, tongues tasting and experimenting in each others warm mouths; mix in a quick suck/nibble on a lip here or there and it's perfect.
Really soon after one of the worst tragedies I've known, I began to feel lost. I felt disconnected, alone and like I was swirling out of control. I needed physical contact to bring me back. So I sought out the contact I needed and found it. He wrapped me in his arms and let me crumble to pieces. Then began trying to put me back together again.
The kiss has to be given completely, from the heart and soul - to the heart and soul. Not only that, it has to happen under some form of duress. And it should be done between lovers. If you've made it this far, wow - you're either a real perv, liking to read about a poor broken-hearted teen, or you really care about me and what I have to say. Lol.
So here it is!
I urge you all to be on the look out as this perfect kiss is elusive. Watch for the signs and signals. Then Carpe Diem!! If you do know what I'm talking about feel free to comment so I don't feel like such a dork. ;~)
Well the random thoughts are becoming harder to come by so I'm hoping that means my mind is shutting off. Time to hopefully sleep. Enjoy your night!
No comments:
Post a Comment