Confusion

Where do we go from here? I know the only fair thing to do is let go but I'm afraid to. What if I'm doing the "wrong" thing, making the wrong choice? How do I know for certain it's over? It's not as though I stopped loving him. In fact, I still love him, a lot. But the love is different. It's changed. I'm trying to make it what it once was....I don't know how to do that.

I'm afraid I won't find someone that will love me the way I want and need to be loved. I'm afraid to be alone. I know these are the wrong reasons to stay. I know it's wrong to keep giving him hope. I'm sorry it's gone so awry; I'm sorry.

I wish I was stronger. I wish I could repair the broken pieces. There's been too many half-truths and too many out right lies. I don't want the monsters growing up in a broken family but I'm doing exactly what I told myself I'd never do. I'm staying because of them - and in essence isn't that already a broken home? I'm staying because I don't want them to have a split family. I'm staying because I'm afraid of being alone. I'm staying because he's my best friend or at least he was once upon a time. And finally, I'm staying because I don't want to hurt him. I'm staying for all the wrong reasons this I know.

So what do I do? If I leave, it's over for good. There is no turning back - no more chances; no starting over again. And what if that's the wrong choice?

I said "for better or worse; in sickness and health..." this is my "worse". Maybe he lies because there's something "off" in his head (besides the ability to see lying is the worst he could do to us). If I walk away then I lied when I said my vows. But how much is "enough"? If he won't get help and can't seem to stop the lies then what? I can't live like this; not trusting him, not believing him....

And what about the inability or unwillingness to openly communicate with me? I've tried endlessly to get him to open up and talk to me, he won't. I mean we talk about the inconsequential everyday BS but that's about it. We don't "connect" and we haven't in over a year - probably a few years now. I need more than this....